Either can't or wont speak when upset?

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Hi all, I'm posting this question here because I thought I would get a better idea as to whats going on with my 11 year old AS,GAD,ADHD,OCD,touettes son.

When he is upset more often than not he will internalize. He has become pretty good at not outwardly showing how upset he is, this is causing a problem. People cant tell that he is upset (I can). He even with me will shut down and not talk. He has a good vocab and is a really good talker always has been. As I said when he is upset he wont talk, not sure if its because he can't talk or because he just doesn't want to. I have asked him when things aren't so bad and all I get is "I don't know". If he is pushed to talk sometimes he will make little gestures, or noises. If people get frustrated with him for doing this and treat him like they don't believe him (like he is just attention seeking) he explodes- he will scream yell punch himself or fall to the floor.

Can anyone shed some light on this?

thanks in advance aurea

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism

Sounds like selective mutism due to anxiety.

It's hard to talk when upset. I know I can't (not literally) when I am really really upset. I need to be left alone and have my pity party. That's what my mom calls my meltdowns.

It's best to wait till he is more calm before you can talk to him.

Luckily people can tell when I am upset because I cry or yell and I stim more sometimes. Who can't pick up on that?

I would guess it's sorta can't. Also guessing that the emotions are too hard for him to process words effectively, I sometimes need a while to sort my words out when I'm really emotional. Words and emotions are seperate languages in my view.

I know that if someone trys to push me into talking when I'm really emotional, I'll get annoyed at them. I've learned to avoid being around people when I start being really emotional, so that I have the space to think about it before talking to someone about it.

Although, bear in mind that I'm talking about me, your son may be experiencing things differently than I do.

im not like this but i would like offer u a suggestion, ever tried teaching him sign language? or have him use pecs or antoher communication device? some kids who lose their speech at certian times benefit from other communication things so he can still get his frustration across jus not verbally, might help. if not i still wish ya the best of luck

This is something that happens with me too. I don't know exactly what it is myself - it isn't something that is usually mentioned in criteria for ASD/AS, but it is the most disabling thing that happens to me.

When I was a teenager (maybe not before, but I am not sure) I was extremely shy, and part of it was shyness, but it is far more than that because when I am feeling really depressed I can't speak even to people that I know well. To me it seems to be an energy thing - when I feel depressed, speaking requires a huge amount of energy (even more than doing some exercise) and it just becomes too difficult to even try. I do find writing easier, so maybe you could ask him to write his replies down instead. However, even with writing I find my responses are shorter and terser.

For years, my inability to speak at times made me really unhappy - it escalated things, so I would be feeling slightly unhappy and unable to speak, which would make me feel worse and more unable to speak etc. I would see everyone else carrying on conversations without obvious effort or discomfort and it would make me very unhappy. Now, finally, after over 30 years, I have stopped caring and it no longer hurts me. But this is a position that I have only reached after a lot of suffering.

I think the most important thing, is that when your son doesn't speak, don't exclude him and start to ignore him, but don't force him to speak either - you say he makes noises and I have often found that physically I can't speak properly and my voice doesn't even work, which embarasses me even more. Maybe try written communication, but this may not work. Try to speak to him as though you are having a conversation, but don't expect replies - if you need replies, then yes and no replies are a lot easier to make than anything complicated (I often give up and say nothing if more than a short word is needed), although often when I cannot speak, making decisions is also difficult. Leave him alone when he needs to be, but don't ignore him - being ignored was always the worst thing for me. Just try to treat him like normal. If it goes on for a long time there may be a problem, but for me it is usually a fairly short term thing. When I lived in France, I spent the first couple of years unable to speak a word of French to any of my coworkers (even though I could speak it to strangers and to myself fairly well). I still don't know why, and in the end it is best to try and accept it (and to get him to accept it) than to try and force things or blame him for it.

I do this because my brain cannot process fast enough under pressure and emotional duress to respond to a dialogue. I feel out maneuvered and outgunned, as though nothing I can say will make any difference anyhow, so I shut down, say nothing and wait for the attacker (that's how I perceive them at that moment) to go away. The more times this occurs over any one issue, the more convinced I am that even bringing it up is going to cause a hopeless conflict, so I cease to attempt talking about it at all. That's when it becomes an "I don't know" topic.

"I don't know", meaning "I don't (believe you'll actually listen and hear me anyway and I don't want to be cornered and yelled at about it, so you just don't need to) know"

One of the most frustrating things in my life has always been that while I communicate very well verbally and on paper when it pertains to rational issues, the more emotional the discussion becomes, the slower my brain processes (outgoing) verbal data and it's like pushing mud through a funnel to try to talk about what I'm feeling in a way that I think the other person will understand. Frankly, once things become emotional, they only care about what they're saying anyway.

And its that defenseless feeling of being backed into a corner and browbeaten mercilessly that lends itself to physical lashing out, against oneself or the assaulting party.

I hate this.
I've had it mildly all my life, but there are rare moments of profound agony where my mouth is moving but I can't form words or vocalize. The inability to speak is a lesser concern compared to its cause.

I've always been like that.

It's no big deal, and it's a part of AS/HFA (well, that's what Wing says).

I have no cognitive thought process to explain it, as it just is.

Having a good working vocabulary doesn't mean you are necessarily able to communicate around personal needs, etc. and when there is a strong need for it, and coupled with an inability, it is profoundly distressing to say the least. I don't know if this is accurate for your son but maybe something you can consider trying to find ways to explore with him or help him with.

When I'm really upset I have trouble speaking and stim a lot.

Shutdown? Yeah. Doesn't usually last very long before I can do minimal communication again, but for the most part it's just a matter of too much demand on my resources to spare any for speech. The cure is simple--time alone in a quiet place, and I'm fine. Sometimes when things get that bad it can take a while to recover fully; but to the point where I can speak again, doesn't take long. I've never had a huge problem with not being able to access words. The problem is when I can't access the right ones and say something other than what I meant to communicate.

It's easier to talk about upsetting things when you've calmed down from them. I think is on the right track waiting until her son is a bit more relaxed before having conversations about difficult topics, so he can have more of his brain free to talk to her. It might be more a matter of teaching him how to communicate about feelings and experiences, so that he can use those skills when explaining things. But asking when he's relaxed is definitely a good thing.

I'm worried I'm becoming selectively mute. I can barely talk to certain people, mostly people my age. Luckily I can talk to my teachers though.

I pretty much can't talk when I'm upset. It's not internalising, it's that at that moment, communication is too difficult for me. At the most, if I'm pushed to tell people what's wrong, they will get a response of "I don't know" or "Leave me alone", which translate as "I can't communicate right now, but if you stop asking the impossible of me, I might calm down enough to be able to talk."

If people act like I'm being stupid for this, I am lucky enough that I have enough self control to be able to remove myself from the situation if possible (and usually throw things at my bedroom walls), or to shut them out completely and act as though they aren't on the planet. It's very tempting to just hit them.

The inability to talk is due to an overloaded brain. It's not wilful rudeness.

hi aurea,

i am not able to talk when particularly anxious, upset, depressed, or fatigued... and it would seem that my habit of responding to questions with a blanket "i don't know" in these types of situations is not at all unique.

reading the above posts i am able to identify with a lot of what has already been posted; more often than not i will remove myself (as far as possible) from my misguided (albeit good intentioned*) interrogators and have some time out with minimal sensory input.

*benefit of the doubt, no?

This pretty much sums me up. There are also times when I am sleep-deprived and over-socialized that I go nonverbal and my balance gets so bad that I have trouble walking. This doesn't happen too often, though.

Re: OP - the only person who can consistantly get an accurate emotional read off of me is nearly blind... go figure.