Do you use disclaimers to forewarn people?

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Wondering if anyone here has incorporated disclaimers into their speech so as to soften the "impact" of our oddness to others in social interactions, or to forewarn them that you're trying but may not succeed in "accommodating" them?

Things like:

"It's not due to lack of effort or lack of concern - just the opposite - I sometimes need people to elaborate on what they're trying to tell me."

"I should tell you that if I don't acknowledge a certain pervasive issue right away, it's because I'm maybe a little too absorbed in what I'm doing, and so in that case you need to TELL me what the issue is so I can effectively address it."

"If I'm going on (and on) about topic X, feel free to jump in and stop me anytime, sometimes I get carried away..."

"I just wanna put it out there that if something I do or say doesn't resonate with you, it's best to TELL me sooner rather than later, so I can deal with it."

The danger is, these can sound passive-aggressive, even sarcastic (e.g. "I don't mean to sound cynical | clueless | skeptical, BUT..."), and may invite more hostility or contempt OR at best they'll just cause others to get the impression that you lack confidence. Basically, the sort of thing that can perpetuate young Aspie men as "incels", or conjure up some very negative stereotypes or archetypes of them, even to those who aren't familiar with ASD/HFA or NT labels.

Sometimes. It depends on the situation.

not as a rule no - there's no need to apologize constantly before you've done or said something that requires one. People get tired of hearing endless apologies anyway. It makes the meaningless after a while and can be just as bad in the end listening to someone do that as it is to make a faux pas.

And saying, "I'm not trying to be rude BUT..." Is in fact, rude. (the "but" in the sentence negates anything you are trying to excuse)

Instead of saying "I'm sorry for going on and on about this". or "I'm sorry I'm late" Try Saying "thanks for letting me talk about this" or "Thank you for waiting". It complements the other person and allows them to be gracious.

Sometimes I will if I am writing an email.

Just because I write long emails and people do not always seem to.understand that I am trying to ensure that they understand what I am trying to say by being as detailed possible.

Had a supervisor ages ago who had a knack for....NON communication when he talked. Maybe its just me being dense. I dunno.

We are an inventory service that retail chains hire to go into their store and physically count everything they stock.

We were in a Pier One store.

This supervisor guy asked me "have you counted this before", and was flapping his arm and pointing the direction of a stack of wicker baskets displayed on the floor. I couldnt figure what the word "this" in his sentence meant. So I tried to guess. He got angry.

It looked like he meant the baskets (like the procedure for counting baskets was different from that of counting everything else...could be.

Turned out that he meant the store chain itself (he had forgotten that we had already worked together another Pier One a couple days before).

If I had it to do over again I would have been pre emptive, and said "DUDE...I would LOVE to answer your question, but I cant answer it because...I dont know WTF Heck you're asking me! I dont know WHAT 'counted this before' means. Counted WHAT before?"

Then I wouldve said "OHHH...you mean this STORE CHAIN before. WELLLL this store chain has a NAME. Its 'Pier One;. You coulda said 'have you counted Pier One before'?".

Well, you know what... although it's virtually impossible to verify without anecdotal evidence, I've got a feeling that many NTs would have fudged that too, or maybe answered it with a question, e.g. "sorry, counted what before?"
Why he was pointing at the baskets, rather than making a sweeping gesture indicating the entirety of the store, is beyond me. It seems that HE was off in his non-verbal communication...big time!!

I miss Pier One. ^

I would have thought the same thing.

If I feel what I'm about to say might offend someone in the room, I usually say something like "I'm not being mean or anything but..." or "I don't mean it in that way but..." (By saying "...in that way" usually gives other people the impression that I don't mean it in a nasty way or any way to upset them). Even if it still does offend them to a degree, they don't get as offended if I have used a disclaimer first.

I understand these social nuances but it's so hard to explain in text but easy to do in everyday interaction.

I'm never around more than one or two people at a time so it's not really an issue.

The only example I can think of would be a wedding last autumn.

I told the people I sat with for dinner that I was autistic and not to be offended if I didn't make eye contact or speak very much. They already knew that but it seemed to break the ice, almost too much actually. Then they had questions for me about it.

I might do something a bit like that, but I don't see it as a disclaimer. What I tend to do is acknowledge the merit of (part of) what somebody is saying or doing, and then go on to point out a different and potentially unwelcome angle that would run a greater risk of putting their backs up if I expressed that different angle on its own. But I try to ensure everything I say is true.

It can arouse my suspicion if anybody starts with a palpable disclaimer. I remember a guy starting with "You're going to say I'm just x but......." and I immediately felt he was trying to inhibit me from replying critically to his main statement. It wouldn't have been too hard for me to work around it, but I just felt he was pre-labelling the reply he was anticipating as somewhat unkind.

I also think that disclaimers can sometimes be counterproductive - they risk building the very thing the speaker is anxious to avoid - e.g. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but....." - you kind of know that what follows might carry a sting, so you get tense and more sensitive to any sting it does carry, perhaps even feeling stung about something that was otherwise quite harmless. If it's spoken word rather than written, the tone of voice and body language can do a lot to defuse or ignite the potential bomb.

yes...communication...and the lack thereof can be fascinating.


Years ago I was with friend on the phone. He was a jazz musician in a family of jazz musicians. Im non musician music lover.

Somehow we got to talking about some old pre rocknroll pop standard Sinatra type song (cant remember what song was now). So I said "oh yeah... I started to sing it...but then asked 'how does the rest go?'". He answered "like this.." and hummed it...to which I said "NO...how does it GO?" and sang the same words until I got to the roadblock in question...to which he replied by humming the same tune..and saying "well thats pretty much it...you just repeat it from there"...to which I replied "HOW DOES IT GOOOOO" and then we went in a round robin... of me singing it... ...and him humming it...and saying "thats pretty much it". So I just dropped it.

Later that day I thought about it...and thought "its MY fault.I am such a flawed person. I shoulda gotten into his head and realized that he is musician ...used to talking to other musicians about how to play stuff on instruments...and it was up to me to politely explain to him that 'I am talking about the WORDS...not the melody...how do you sing the lyrics?'".

But years later it would drift into my mind again and it would occur to me that HE coulda done the same for ME.

Gotten into my head with some empathy and theory of mind.

Nowadays I wish I had said "dude... are you mentally impaired, or what?". I am obviously asking about the lyrics, and not about the melody. I am asking you what the f*****g words are. Not about the what the f*****g notes you play on a f*****g instrument are."

I'm trying to do more of it. I would say it's to set expectations, rather than to warn them.

To sound less passive-aggressive, try turning the concept around. When I think "I know this [ASD thing], but [really]" I turn it around ---- [Really], so [ASD thing]. Example: Rather than "I know I look stone faced, but I care." I would try "I am very concerned right now. So concerned that I'm without words and expression." -- of course we have to think of it beforehand b/c many of us really are without words also... myself included. With practice...

Just yesterday at work I mentioned how very energetic (or intense) I can be and my director said I seemed to be within norms. So either he was being generous or else I'm masking too much. LOL-cry. I don't want to be giving disclaimers too frequently or repeatedly to the same audience, but given I haven't done any up until now a have a ways to go to find balance.

Where's the book for these disclaimers / setting of expectations?