Dealing with betrayal

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I'd like to explore the topic of betrayal and Aspergers some more. I know that nobody is immune to betrayal, as it has happened to many NTs, but as with many other things us folks with Aspergers seem to be more vulnerable to it.

I see two types of betrayal; long-term and short-term. The short-term isn't nearly as bad, this mostly involves us not picking up on emotional clues that somebody is uncomfortable doing or accepting what we ask or tell them - I've had plenty of instances of such "betrayal" when I asked somebody if they could help with such-and-such, they replied in the affirmative - but that was just the 7% of communication, the other signals were saying "no" but I didn't pick up on them (in hindsight, I realize this).

The long-term betrayal is more painful, and involves (former) friends, co-workers or girlfriends/boyfriends. I had such a betrayal from a former friend who wrecked my car, costing me a lot of money and ended up splitting me from my girlfriend shortly after by making false statements about me - I did nothing wrong, but he was just a very artful schemer and manipulator whom I trusted more than I should have, trying to be the good guy and cherishing what few friendships I had - and I would rather not get into the painful details. That was just over a decade ago.

The same a***ole accused me of betraying him when I did actions that were perfectly legitimate (as verified by family and people who are true friends to this day), so you kind of get an idea as to why he's a former friend.

Betrayal and getting screwed over should in essence help you become more comfortable with who you are once you have decided to stop beating yourself up over it and move on. I believe the people that screw us over try and do everything they can to manipulate us into believing it was all our fault they did what they did. Aspies may be more susceptible to actually believing it. If there any time to renew your faith or become more spiritual, that is a good time.

I thought that being an aspie would make it easier to spot traitors. At lease for me it is. In fact. it so easy that I can prepare a counter attack and have it ready to deploy before things go down.

I've been subject to some betrayal incidents that were pretty hurtful (long-term as you would put it), and I realized later that the writing was on the wall but I just didn't see it for various reasons (mostly aspie-related, but some not). It has taught me to be more careful, it has taught me to be more honest with myself, and it has taught me how to deal with betrayal. I expect to be betrayed in the future no matter how much I try to avoid it; it's just a part of life that some people (us) have to deal with more than others. I try to see such incidents purely as learning experiences now, but I can't say it always works. I have learned to spot it sooner though, and what helps is watching how a person interacts with others--if they are dishonest with other people or don't seem to care about them, they probably will be that way with you too.

Sorry my typing is off this is without my dragon program

I am dealing with a similar situation to those described in the above posts. Betrayal is defined by me as something harmful, intentionally done that can cause tangible long term harm. I try to realize that despite repetitive thoughts of shock and regret that cause distress, focusing strongly on a fascinating distraction is helpful. It is like a muscle that gets stronger so the sadness is able to reduce. First day tho was surprising that I had such demoralization.

I just got betrayed along with a group of people at a job. It exposed some to physical danger and destroyed people's ability to work. The nts are gossiping so much so maliciously I can't take it anymore. I actually fear listening to the gossip and endless exacerbation of a problem that can be easily deescalated.this prevents being able to analyse the problem because when I start reading and hear how many others got the same tx I just freeze but want to talk about it I just freeze up and yet not knowing makes it worse. I just freeze body and mind, did not even drink liquid for a day it was like I forgot.

The people affected are also stigmatized because it involved a type of obvious infraction and I am so confused and need to do something but if I say anything I will get punished. Nts will assume I was involved but what I'm actually angry about is the way it destroyed my work performance by being offered and then the person was vindictive.to other coworkers so I tried to wait for him to be in a good mood. It was just one person that was a huge huge liar and used favoritism in a sneaky way to transform something excellent into something trashy. I need to talk to somebody about this. I tried to tell someone privately the they didn't get back to me, I started to regret that but I had to let it go. Now the same people are taking it seriously and those the least harmed are the only ones that are considered harmed. Others were just starting at the job and could get sacked if we complain. At first I dint think that but a lot of details have come out about what transpired.

I called a psych office and they told me that they could not help me because my speech wasn't making sense. I am just confused but I'm scared to get locked up. I'm not harming anyone or myself I just can't answer without sounding weird I can't describe my feeling. My last chance of a job was destroyed and I have no future. The details are to long but I promise this was my last chance. I have already met the criteria for human euthanasia in europe. If I go into detail I will be too depressing for this forum. I got a post removed from the suicide forum of all places from it being too extreme. When I remember how he used pity to get a new job ( the business he just messed up) by saying he had a disabled spouse and then destroying that person over a long period of time I just freak out!! ! When I told my sister my voice froze I could not say what happened.

I am scared. This betrayal was not impactful on the part of the perpetrator. I nearly died from a neuro disease that required me to be on some extraordinary measured to survive. I got thru that and was asked to work a the job I am referring to. I knew something was wrong when the betrayal coworker asked me to do something and then all of a sudden started hating employees one by one. I was confused as the betrayer said he was an aspiie. Worst he did was ignore me...but I later found out the things he said to others put me and my friends as bait. This caused us to waste two years of our lives. He Turned out to be the most fake and harmful nt I have ever seen. The situation was made much worse by his involvement. We almost had the original problem solved, and fortunately I have some friends that are similarly situated so there is educational value in that. But there accounts get hacked at least weekly, so it is scary because I thought the betrayer was aware of the risks we were under after talking about it so convincingly. So hopeless, our fear of retaliation is massive and constant because of a bad choice of ten ppl to trust a con artist disguised as a legitimate person. Thankfully I never had physical proximity to him so harm could have been worse.

Then the work quality went real low when the betrayer got confident. All people he didn't like either got, ignored, got occasional one word answers, or if the person followed up on the task he asked, they got lashed out at. I think he has a brain tumor I have never seen such a behavior change so fast and severe. There were people exposed to danger, universities could have got hacked, and a business over 100 years old got a terrible rep after the same person brought it to new heights. What a waste!! !!

If somebody friends you on Facebook and it is an authority figure NO MATTER WHAT make them call you before you accept the request even if it's a job offer. Make sure they don't offer you a favor or gift before you do a task. That is a big sign to watch for, my friends and I learn the hard way. I feel better organizing this info, betrayal is rare but bad

People's houses were guarded by police and this loser thought it was funny. Never again

I deal with it simply by thinking "I know that person was going to betray me".
I expect betrayal from pretty much everyone (exept parents). I know people are going to exploit me, use me, harm me, no matter how much I love them or how much they (pretend to) love me. I am suspicious of everybody. I think that the people who smile at me or compliment me are usually thinking how much they hate me and they'd want me to die. I think that they are going to smile and be gentle to my face and then insult me or say bad things about me with other people when I'm not listening. I am suspicious of everybody and never trust anyone, neither friends or relatives that are not my parents.
If I were in a relationship I'd be thinking that the other person is being unfaithful to me or is going to exploit me and then abandon me. This would make me overcontrolling.

I sometimes think that betrayal for is is sometimes a matter of our own perception working against us. Sure, betrayal does happen, but I think we have a tendency to make it seem like it's more than it really is. I don't say this to be disparaging, but from experience I've taken something like someone not showing up at a place at the time they said they would as a betrayal. When in reality, they were late probably due to traffic. And that informs our perception of how we will interact with that person in the future. So I think in my life, I've cut people off for really no reason at all.

I was betrayed. Many times.
No matter if it was a minor betrayal, I sent them to hell (broke off all relationship with them). That's why I can't have "friends".

I also tend to deal with betrayal by cutting people off. I was trying to do it today, but this time they were not letting me do it. I felt betrayed by a former friend who took everything that I told her in confidence and attacked me with it, for example one thing she said was about my relationship with the father of my kids, we split up a few years ago and she said that I had just "got knocked up and made the best of a bad situation" I was obviously very upset by this and today I find out that she regularly posts on his facebook posts (she has blocked me so I cant see this) I felt very out of control as even though the things she said were about 6 months ago I have no idea why she would want to be friends with my ex (they only met once through me) and I feel that her being friends with him must in some way be to get more ammunition in order to attack me. I also feel betrayed by him for staying friends with her (he says she has done nothing to him, so he doesn't see why he should unfriend her) and the only way I feel I can get control in this situation is to cut him out of my life (as much as I can with him being the kids father, I told him it was back to handing the kids over at the door and no friendliness, trips out together etc) I also threatened to cut a few more people out who she was close to in order to distance myself from her and her betrayal.
BUT since I have self diagnosed and told people about my issue with cutting people out when I feel out of control/ betrayed / overwhelmed people have just told me that they are not letting me disappear. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about this, disappearing for a while or cutting people out is my coping strategy, though I guess I should just be happy that they care.

Look, Aspies can be betrayed it’s true they can be taken advantage of, bullied and betrayed. But on the flip side Aspies can be the one doing the betraying too. I know it’s hard to understand neurotypicals, but why don’t you guys ever seem to stop to think it’s equally as hard for NT’s to understand you all?

Like take “masking” for instance, after hours of research, I finally understand why you all do it, however, when you are masking and the person you are masking for thinks that your masking behavior is a true representative or accurate reflection of you are (especially, if they don’t know that you’re on the spectrum), they can feel tricked, disillusioned, exploited, betrayed and disrespected and manipulated, just like an Aspie does when he or she feels that someone has tried to take advantage of them. That’s a point of commonality you all should wake up to that ties you in with the rest of the population.

I know there is a lot of people in the world who might judge or abuse you and that’s something you want to protect yourself from, but so do NT’s the sad part is you all or so busy trying to differentiate yourselves from the rest of humanity, you all seem utterly blind to all the similarities between us and things NT’s and Aspies have in common.

If I might be the type of person who would accept you as you are and not judge, you run the risk of ruining a chance to get what you all crave, unconditional acceptance, on the other hand, if I am not that type of person who would accept you as you are you run the risk of being shunned. So, I get it and it’s a rather peculiar dilemma to be sure. All I know is that things like mirroring, and being deferential to others might not be as much of a protection as it seems.

In selecting this as a method of self protection, you might actually end up promoting the circumspection, hostility and aggression you fear, because it can cause an NT to see you as manipulative, deceptive and hypocritical, consequently when they see the difference between what you showed them in the beginning (unbeknownst to them to keep them from shunning you) and what your true desires and appetites are and how you go about achieving their satisfaction, they feel deceived and that you have kinda painted a false picture on their mental TV screens, they may be expecting one thing from you based upon your mirroring behavior only to feel terribly let down and disappointed later.

What you all fail to realize is that you all are just as capable of inflicting the same kind of pain, damage and vitriol as you complain about from others. And that’s where empathy comes into play, you all appear driven by satisfaction of your appetites, are you all really that surprised then, that sometimes you all draw people or are drawn to people who are merely doing the same? There actions towards you are painful and have devastating consequences for you. So too is it when you all do it to the NT, the only real difference when you all do it is that intent is often times not malicious but the result of a rather extreme neurological difference. So when it comes to understanding it’s just as hard for NT as it as it is for you. If you want some sympathy, try having a little for
The NT’s cause just like it’s not easy for you all to deal with them, on the other side of things it’s not so easy for the NT to deal with you.

Well, that was quite a rant for a first-time poster.

Welcome to WP.

I didn't read your blurb in its entirety because this is a necrobumped thread from nine years ago. Normally we don't reply to threads which are that old and especially if it's been bumped by someone we don't even know. I'll take a swing at this anyway. It seems you're suggesting that because ND's "mask", it means we are partially to blame for relationship issues which present with NTs. I don't mask at all, and many people here don't either. You get what you see. I don't know how to mask because I can't copy NT social behaviours and make them intuitive. They will always seem fake and obvious if I try, therefore perpetuating my state of "otherness". Rather than looking like a masked ND I will look like a ridiculous, rigid, and wooden ND who is too self-conscious about her every movement to engage in conversation with that NT person in the first place. So, in that respect, I totally disagree with you.

I also disagree at least from my own POV because I don't spend time around NTs enough to want to impress them, deceive them, win their approval, or really even give a darn what they think of me.

All NTs that I've met in my life are capable of just as much "masking" and deception as you seem to expect from NDs. Not all NTs are phony, but they're much better actors than any autistic or neurodivergent people I know.

Welcome to WP

Double empathy, explained