Dealing with internalized ableism

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It's been a while since I posted here and I thought this was the time to bring up this topic as I've now realized what I've struggling with for some time and I need to, at the very least, put it out there.

There's a bit of history here. I was diagnosed with autism when I was younger than I can remember but my parents didn't acknowledge it and hid this diagnosis from me until I was 18 when, during a vulnerable moment of my life, my father decided to just spill the beans. Given my interests, my behaviors, and my divergence from the "norm" of my peers throughout my early years, I guess it was sort of obvious. However ... I was still unaware of my diagnosis until around my 18th birthday. During that time ... my parents did not, of course, help me understand my identity as an autistic person and, in fact, tried to "disabuse me" of certain behaviors as conservatives often do.

Since that time, I basically created a personality of masks that was far removed from what I would classify as my primary identity: my identity where I lived with my autism. I tried to be as NT as possible for so many years and it came to the point where I was so lost in being this person that I was not, I practically didn't even acknowledge I was on the spectrum, let alone remember ... until I started burning out more and more and more.

It turns out that when I faced the central issue, I discovered why I felt so broken up by this idea of a need to have a sense of your own identity. I'm dealing with internalized ableism and I think I've spent so much time hating myself for being autistic at my core and now I'm trying to undo the damage I've done to myself by repressing my true identity. I don't know what to do. I'm scared ... I'm trying to be the real me for the first time and I don't know where to begin.

Can someone relate or point me in the right direction?

You have taken the first huge step by recognizing the problem.

When you think you are broken and have little to no self-esteem you are always expecting the worst. What I eventually realized and it was not until after I was 40 that the worst outcome did not always happen. That helped.

When I was first diagnosed at age 55 I was tearing my brain out trying to figure out what parts of me is the real Autistic me, and what part was me faking out myself. I finally realized that both parts are so fused together at this late stage that trying to figure it out is pointless, it is just me.

I can totally relate.

I have spent a lot of time thinking that I am broken but I'm starting to see that isn't true.

Being autistic isn't good or bad It's just different.

For me It's difficult to figure out where the mask ends and I begin.

I think the first step is where you are now seeing that there is an issue. You can't unravel the problem if you don't know it's there. Maybe getting some help in the form of therapist could help you work through the messages you've internalized over the years. Personally therapy has helped me alot. Also being here and talking to other autistic people will help.

I am sorry for the hardship and pain. That is beautifully written. I relate.

I am trying to have my children diagnosed. But not only are they masking, but I am masking them! (e.g. saying things are easy that are actually hard so as not to "upset" anyone) Ugh. I have told the evaluators that I have ASD but haven't been clear how they can help me express myself "correctly" and they don't know either.

That said, I have made progress. At my new job, I am open with my co-workers that I am ND at least. I'm better about setting expectations and expressing my needs. I have a long way to go.