Autism and being a good parent

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I was curious to find out about those of you who have children in real life, and if yes, how good or bad of a parent have you been to them and did your autism of any type had any effect on your ability to be a parent.

Basically, as a parent, did you do your responsibilities normally and give your children the normal, expected treatment and grow them up like all other parents do, or the disability, you have, had effect of any kind, on your parenting ability?

Is your son / daughter doing okay at home / at school, or are they sad about their parent having a type of autism or disability, did they sometimes feel you dont treat them right, or cry alot more often, etc?

Are you still able to help your child with normal daily things at home like cleaning their room, cooking food for them, or helping them take a shower or put clothes on / off?

It would also be nice if you share your child's age, so we understand better, thanks.

Even if you dont have any children yet, its okay to generally respond what you think about the subject of autistic people and their ability to take care of their children. I personally think they're definitely able to do a good job, but there might be difficulties.

Small children are one of my special interests.

Mine are adults now.

The hardest thing was supporting their social lives because when they were small it meant I had to spend time with other parents. Even when they got bigger I had to go to places full of people a lot. They were sad that I didn’t want to go to any of their sporting events etc. (I still went, but probably not enough, and they knew I didn’t like it.)

I sometimes put myself in “time out” when they were young.

I think they had a lot more responsibility/independence than their peers, but fewer priveledges(?) = uneccesary/expensive/time wasting social trappings (examples: they got phones “late”, curfews never, and very little screen time. I did not buy trendy items.) they actually got phones at 14, because at 14 I stopped going places with them if I could avoid it and realized they might need to call me. They did not get smart phones until college. I did not do things for them they could do for themselves - example: pack lunch for elementary school.

I have gotten both praise and criticism from them for my parenting (like any parent who isn’t awful) dd1 once said to me “you pick the weirdest times to try to be a parent.” They call me “the truth troll” because I have never sugarcoated things and I will lay out all the possible consequences of their actions/situations even if they are unlikely and awful(I will categorize them as unlikely, but still say it.) They have tried to explain to me that there might be better approaches. So they will often call their dad or my mother instead of me. (My youngest struggles with her dating life and when she calls my mom after a break up my mom says nice things about her and assures her she will find someone. I am more likely to attempt to help her analyze her contributions to the problem so she can do better.)

But we are still close, so I guess I did ok. My dgs adores me

There are two free pdf books that might be helpful;

Aspergers - An Intentional Life
http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... e_2017.pdf

Asperger Parenting
http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... g%20v2.pdf

I have three grown kids.
One was adopted.
They're all Neurodivergent.
I've raised them as a single parent for over 25 years.
For a time I also had three stepsons.

I'm an amazing parent, if I do say so myself.
I understand my kids like no one else would take the time to do.
We may not look and act like a normal nuclear family but we're tight.

Everyone is extremely successful in school and work, and even their social lives.

(1) Me. As the primary parent (more demands), ASD impacts me BIG TIME. I parent in a non-traditional way: low-demand, respectful, at times benign or beneficial neglect. Like most of my ASD experience, I am really really good, or I am really really bad at something. At good times, I give my 2e children (now 9 and 11) space and support at home to be themselves, I provide specific guidance and direction. I empower them and trust them. They tolerate the outside world well and return my trust. They mask as well as I do - which is good and bad. At bad times, I have pulled over the car and cursed, I've yelled and swatted, at events my husband has had to come pick up the kids, I have excused myself to hide under the covers... etc. I really try to monitor myself to ask for help or take breaks prior to meltdown or shutdown. - but --- you know.

Asides learning from my ASD mom (who struggled and was unwell but tried her best), I took parenting classes with my husband and read tons of parenting books. I am also in FB mom's and parenting groups.

I can't even brush my own teeth or make the bed (when stressed, which is often), so I have a hard time having my son brush his teeth (my daughter does), or having the kids make their beds. I did baths, but my husband handles showers. I am the income-earner while my husband does most of the cooking, shopping and laundry. Previously I did all the disciplining (gently) and have asked my husband to step up and develop these skills. I have guided him away from his authoritative, demanding style to a more accommodating balanced one. He finally understands that if the kids could, they would. (He used to take it all personally.)

I am told I am an amazing parent, by my relatives, friends and my kids' support persons. I ask my children for parenting reviews every 6 months or so and I receive good marks (7.5 out of 10). I make adjustments such as less fixing and more comforting. My non-ASD husband is trying to improve his reviews (6 out of 10). My daughter wrote in my birthday card something along the lines: You are improving as a parent, keep up the good work.

(2) My ASD mom. She was not parented well and she tried to conform to NT ways of life and parenting and it did not go well. She eventually burnt out, withdrew and neglected us. She also did that thing where ASD folks suppress their feelings and become narcissistic to protect themselves. Luckily there were good years (when I was young) and good moments (on and off when I was older), just enough. Later when we were out of the house and demands were down, she recovered some and it was clear she cared for us and meant well.

My son is now 40 years old, and seems to be doing quite well. He's got a partner, a "good" job, his own home, a few friends and some rewarding leisure pursuits. I have a few misgivings about my parenting days, but they're of the kind that many parents tend to feel, the biggest one being that I feel guilty about not giving him more attention than I did, though I certainly didn't ignore him.

It's very hard to self-assess such a thing, because of the danger of pride unconsciously getting in the way, but for what it's worth I think I did a good job. I provided some things that his mother seemed unable to provide, such as caring a bit more about what he wanted, refraining from rubbishing his declared needs, giving him more freedom to make his own choices when he wanted to, and generally empathising with him. He was a relatively easy and responsible kid to bring up so there was rarely any need to lay down the law with him. I didn't know anything about ASD in those days, but I don't think I did significantly worse for not knowing.

@Sharon,

I have to admit I envy anyone who has a partner for child-raising, especially if they're a committed biological parent. I had the same burnouts and shortcomings as you Sharon, but had zero help. You're so lucky to have another warm body in the house especially when the kids are young. I had to be mum and dad from the time my daughter was six months old and I was working full-time about 40-50 hours a week, juggling different nannies / daycare for each of them according to their needs. Not only was their dad absent but he went on to attack and abuse our kids from afar with stalking, slander, legal action, and financial abuse.

He disowned my daughter in court three years ago after calling her a liar about being autistic. He tried to sue her medical doctors. He turned his entire family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) against my kids such that they lost their sense of identity with hostile accusations and lies. My kids have gone no-contact but it's very hard to deal with the emotional fallout on top of my autism and their mental health / autism / ADHD / trauma needs.

I did a pretty good job but that's on them, because my kids are amazing human beings. I'm not sure where they got it from because it sure as hell wasn't their dad.

Hugs to your hubby for being so supportive, and to you for busting your arse to keep everyone happy and well.

@Issy, do you wonder that all this past stress might be impacting you now? Cumulative burnout? Long recovery?

Yes, upsides and downsides to having a partnership: I can do more of some things, but it's a burden also (how can his EQ be so much lower than mine, I'm Autistic!). I often fantasize about being rid of him (the harder parts), but ultimately we're Benny and Joon. My two best mom-friends are single parents. Oh, wait, one is married but caretaking an ailing older husband along with her child. Tough stuff.

So sorry for the awfulness (to say the least) of your kids' obsessive malevolent father. I'm glad your kids had the nature that you could nurture with a good outcome even in the face of direct outside hostility. Wishing they have the space now to thrive. Hugs for you all!! !

^^ Ugh for hardship. Wishing more room for you to breathe.