Is it because of autism that life is too hard?

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I've been a fortunate person. I haven't had any real hardships or traumas or tragedies, except a few relatively ordinary ones that more or less everyone has. I had a nice family growing up, if a bit rigid. I've traveled, I went to a nice college. But all of my life has been a struggle. I've never had many friends, and even now I am friends with a very few oddballs who chose to befriend me, since I would have had no clue how to befriend them. I have never been able to do any of the things I wanted to, mainly because I couldn't figure out how they worked and it just didn't seem possible. And it actually wasn't, it's not an issue of confidence or self-worth. Life just has been mysterious and hard, just hard, a constant struggle just to get through the day every day, not because of trying to do things and finding them hard but just the opposite, trying to cope with the nothingness. Trying to deal with being alone, and not having any of my wishes even be within the realm of possibility, let alone fulfilled. And I mean ordinary things like having a laugh with some friends.

I wanted to have friends, but couldn't; I want to have a permanent relationship, and I can't. But also other things: I can't drive, dance, do sports, play a musical instrument, dive, swim very well, and not for not trying, they were all just a mystery to me. All the while throughout my life I tried to just go along. I never had the option to choose something I wanted and then pursue it. I just didn't know how, and still don't. (Which is impossible to explain, which is why I always get therapists trying to encourage me to do things I can't do and want things I can't have. Maybe I can't explain why, but I do have 59 years of evidence that it's so.) My life has been really small. I have always just tried to go along and not be a bother (while at the same time being a big bother because I would get angry easily) (or sad, but that was easier to hide) and never ask for anything or want anything. The few times I tried for something I wanted it didn't just not work out, it was a disaster.

I also hid how painful my life was, especially from my parents, who would have been distraught. They have passed now, but my inability to create a life for myself has remained. I just look back at so much pain and sacrifice and sorrow, and it's still going on. But why, given that I've been lucky overall. Is this what comes from being autistic, that you are just cut off from participating in the normal things in life? And for some I think it's fine, but for me it's unbearable. Or maybe this has nothing to do with autism?

My theory is that in this scenario, life is hard due to neurodiversity relative to today's culture. Some cultures celebrate(d) neurodiversity, but in today's "survival of the fittest" not so much. BTW That is misinterpretation, "fit" would be a collaborative, compassionate community, not a narcissistic or bully individual. Albeit: look at the movie heroes, they all seem neurodiverse. I also learned to hide by differences and needs long ago. Even today when I ask I often do not receive the help I need; I seem too capable, my asking is informed by past trauma.

I have a big life and it's hard. My (ASD) BFF lives a small life more similar to yours. We both have areas we feel fulfilled in and we have areas we don't (they are the opposite areas). At 50, I'm learning to advocate for myself and set emotional boundaries. It's scary but good.

It's possible to change your social profile. Previously I studied communication and psychology and coincidentally or not have lots of friends, but do not cultivate the friendships as an NT would so that they are not frequent. My BFF on the other hand values friendship and went out of her way to maintain ours. I in return have encouraged her to live life a little bigger (and she encourages me to live smaller). She had kept to herself. She choose to make herself available (physically-increase her public exposure- and emotionally-adjust her mannerisms) and has increased her relationships. Still we both struggle, but the loneliness is infrequent and life is generally bearable.

There are still moments when something unexpected happens and I am reminded: Yep, still very Autistic. (happened Sunday) --- hugs to our hyper nervous systems and ourselves.

Its funny cause that last paragraph of the first post was my exact feelings as I mentioned my depression to my parents (which, years later, after much trial and error, was also compounded by autism). I am the same for the most part: no apparent life changing struggle, pretty average middle-class, but no friends or close relationships. (If we are being honest however I do think just having autism is a “life changing struggle.” Struggles do not have to be physical to change your life.) Autism is both a blessing and not because it makes me feel things much deeper, but then I also am destined to lie on the outskirts of society. I think many of those most pensive sit and think about rules of the game on the bleachers while everyone else plays it. Sometimes it really is just about accepting that the game is not for everyone.

My life has been really small. I have always just tried to go along and not be a bother (while at the same time being a big bother because I would get angry easily) (or sad, but that was easier to hide) and never ask for anything or want anything.

^Just to say this really resonated with me.

I know I'm lucky? to have got married and had a child, but the day I found I was pregnant, my life as an individual stopped. I became 'the MumWife', the creature that existed only to serve others.

I became desperately ill for the whole pregnancy, I was a sad creature shambling about, alone most of the day, then I had to give birth and get over it all. I managed that, but being a mother is almost impossible for an autistic person with the bare minimum support.

Because it is GO GO GO! 24/7. You don't get time to relax quietly after stressful activities. Or time to stim if you need to. Or time to enjoy your special interests. Or even time to sleep or go to the toilet in private. You have to be ONNNNNN!

You have to be sociable and go to baby and toddler groups so your child gets social experience and makes friends. I just couldn't connect with the other mothers, but I HAD to keep going, torturing myself weekly because I didn't want my child to be lonely and not meet other children.

It was such a relief when she went to school and they took care of her socialising.

But I feel like I've lived a life to serve others, a small, dull life with no friends or family to spend time with or even to like me. I can't give up or resign or get a 'new job' because my family would suffer without me. On and on and on.

All I wanted was a small group of friends and family who liked me. But no one does like me, I'm too weird.

I think life is too hard for everyone these days. The demands on people to multi-task and be independent are overwhelming, everything from checking out our own purchases (self-scanners) to living without extended family, raising kids alone, paying bills alone, being separated from real relationships because of the internet, etc. No person was ever expected to take on so much responsibility. It doesn't help that we're getting crap food (GMOs), bad water, lots of pollution, and the cost-of-living is causing even NT senior citizens to become homeless.

Add Autism and yeah, life is incredibly difficult to navigate. Just the sensory alone is enough to do my head in. Everything is so fast-paced and expects us to have quick processing skills for listening, speaking, and making decisions. Our social relationships are strained because no one has time or interest to help us.

I relate to you a lot. I also have a small, simple sort of life, and compared to a lot of people I haven't had many terrible things happen to me- and yet I feel like existing is difficult and often painful.

I'm not depressed, and I hope this doesn't come across as too morbid, but I take comfort in the fact that one day I won't exist anymore. There are a lot of things about life that I enjoy, and I have loved ones who are very dear to me, so I wouldn't want it to happen sooner than it needs to. But sometimes I think about my eventual death the same way I think about the inevitability of climbing into a cozy bed at the end of an overwhelming day.

What I learned recently is to prioritise myself more.

Don't go through life thinking 'I mustn't be a burden, I must try and fit in and not upset the apple cart.'

Instead, think 'what do IIII want to do? How do IIII feel about this situation?' It does really help because you start making your own plans in life, and never mind other people. I don't mean that you hurt other people, you just prioritise yourself more.

I'm more or less at the same boat...
Except, well, I'm half your age. My parents are still alive.

And not as privileged. I don't have serious responsibilities, I don't have serious problems or anything tragic.

Like you, on the paper, it just doesn't make sense.


My pride wants to do more than just fit in.
It's also a part of me who really wants to prove that I can contribute -- I'm not a useless burden.

Doesn't help that I grew up very mistrustful. So I choose to try and make a life on my own.

But what I really want?...
I want to explore.
I want to trust the world and just live.
I don't care if I'm doing it alone or not.

I don't like to work full time and live my life playing by my weaknesses.

I don't want to be stuck coping.
I don't want to be stuck with complexes and internal distractions.
If the reason for that is autism, so be it.

I know which part of autism is a blessing, which part of autism fits ME, and which part of autism is a curse to me.

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