Manipulation vs disability

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How do you know when you're being manipulated and when your child is coming from their disability and how do you avoid temper tantrums when they don't get their wish?

Sorry, I don't know the answer, but I'm guessing the answer comes with experience. I'm sure there are ways of telling the difference but I don't know them.

With a non-autistic child and a tantrum I'd just let them safely get bored with there tantrum and ignore it , I found this the best way.

I'm not a parent so I don't know the answer, but I remember when I was a kid I would sometimes cry and wail over something and it might have looked like crocodile tears to get my way, but it never was. To this day I'm incapable of being manipulative, I certainly wouldn't have known how when I was a little kid.

I remember twice at school when I was 4-5 I had a tantrum that were manipulative whilst also genuinely feeling anxious. Like when I was late for school one time because I had been to the dentist, and when a teacher came out to take me inside I suddenly didn't want to go and I pulled away and screamed. She picked me up but I screamed even louder, hoping it'd make her put me down and let my mum take me home. But I figured out that screaming wasn't changing her mind so I soon calmed down and accepted that I had to go to school that day so didn't feel anxious any more as soon as I was in the building.

Side with your child first. If something is wrong, they need to feel safe in coming to you when they have a situation or emotions they can't handle on their own. The more secure they feel, the less likely it is there will be manipulation down the road.

At the same time, use your best judgement. If the world is going to end because they don't get a new something now...that's probably not true.

Even if your are reasonably sure that your are being manipulated into doing something, there is usually an underlying truth to whatever is going on. A child might feel that its the only way to resolve the issue - either way there is a real problem underneath it all.

I assume my child is honest and needs help. And if not, they generally relent their deceptive ways when they've received more attention than they can bear. I had a foster son who didn't want to go to school and said he was severely injured. I knew he had a minor injury, but had my doubts it was severe. To save himself from my creative solutions and a visit to the Urgent Care, he choose to go to school. Later we explored his school concern and straightened that out. It really bugs me when my husband would say "[child] just wants attention" - my response was always "then give it them --- duh!" My husband is NT and assumed manipulation first (which is self-protective), I am ASD and assume honesty and need first (b/c that's my basis). It works for me, even with manipulators since I don't mind being "taken advantage of" as long as I stick to my personal boundaries. I get along quite well with "bad" folks who are in need of understanding and compassion and can bring out the best in them. Although my children are beasts at home, I am told they are both the kindest, most caring kids (my ASD child included) outside the home, so it pays off that way.

If your child is Autistic, do not make your first assumption manipulation. It is true that manipulative Autistics do exist but it's not as common as people think.

First, you need to understand what a tantrum is. Two things have to exist in the scenario for it to be a tantrum. First, there has to be a target object, the object of desire, (not always a physical object, like it could be attention or something like that). Second, there has to be an audience. If your child is manipulating you to get something he wants, the manipulation tactics will escalate until he gets what he wants or until you discipline him.

If your child is having an Autistic meltdown, he is not trying to get something he wants. There is no object of desire and there doesn't need to be an audience. He is having a neurological response to something that is triggering it, to something that is overwhelming and frying his brain circuits. It will stop when the trigger is no longer affecting it. And a meltdown should not be disciplined because it is not voluntary and it is not a behavioral issue.

A tantrum is 100% voluntary and it is 100% a behavioral issue and it should always be disciplined. That is why these two words should never be used interchangeably.

So you have to be able to identify which one it is. If your child is verbal, it's much easier because you can have a conversation about it. Once the situation has deescalated, you can find out what was going on by asking your child why he did what he did. If it turns out it was a tantrum, you can then discipline him appropriately. If it was a meltdown, try to find out what triggered it so that you can give help and support.

It's difficult to respond appropriately in the heat of the moment. During that time, do your best to stay calm and collected and to not let your emotions take over. If you believe your child is having a meltdown, not a tantrum, try reducing as much sensory stimuli as possible. If it's obvious that your child is having a tantrum, stand your ground and never give in to the demands. Children need to learn that if they want something and the answer is no, a tantrum is not going to work. It doesn't matter how disabled they are. If I say no cookie until after you have eaten your meal, that means no cookie until after you have eaten your meal. And if you throw a tantrum, you don't get a cookie at all.

I asked my daughter about something she did. She was probably about 9 though.

She used be having a tantrum with me, arguing and moaning, yet the minute someone she knew walked by, she was all smiles and laughter. The person would say 'what a happy, lovely child she is' when she'd been bitching, complaining, moaning the millisecond before. So I looked like the grumpy mother of a happy child.

So I asked her why she did that and she said she didn't want to involve other people in her problems. I said that it wasn't fair on me as it made me look grumpy for no reason and it was like lying.

I can't remember the exact conversation but she did stop behaving like that after our talk.

KitLily's post about her daughter is a great example of being able to communicate with your child once the situation has deescalated and being able to come to mutual understanding. If you have fostered an atmosphere of respect and trust and safety in your relationship, you can much more easily communicate with your child and learn to understand each other's perspectives. That is really fantastic as it helps both parties develop their theory of mind skills and that is a very good thing. And it also strengthens the relationship very deeply.

Oh gosh, I feel tearful now.

I've tried so, so hard to create a family which talks about feelings and helps each other. I've tried so, so hard to be a consistent and supportive mother and wife, not taking out my feelings on other family members. I've tried so, so hard to treat my daughter the opposite way to how my mother treated me. She was/is always angry, offended, manipulative, cruel, while maintaining a friendly, perfect, fun persona in public so no one could believe what she was like in private.

I was determined not to be like that with my own child but instead be loving, kind, supportive, consistent and not be two faced. I'm probably cold and distant in public but kind and loving in private!

Even though my physical and mental health are weak and it's been a struggle, mostly on my own with no friends and family to help. One husband is not enough, he can't possibly support me 24/7.

Even having one person such as Skibum giving me a tiny bit of praise and support helps more than you can possibly know.

You are an awesome mom KitLily, it is already apparent that your hard work is creating a beautiful young woman with a magnificent heart just like yours.

To answer your second question, you can't avoid temper tantrums. That's part of growing up. You need to discipline them as they occur. You have to be consistent every single time. Consistency is key and eventually your child will learn that they don't pay off and they will stop. If you are absolutely 100% consistent and all of the parent figures are on the same page with that, it will not take long at all. You can do it.