Being unable to do normal things

Post Reply New Topic

Is this an autistic thing?

I find that I am unable to do normal things that people think of as completely ordinary. I had an argument today with a relationship therapist because she kept saying no to everything I was saying about myself. My relationship is done and it's by leaps and bounds the most painful experience of my life (including three deaths in recent years of three of the people closest to me), and when I told her it was the end of the line for me and there was no possibility I could ever be in another relationship (both because I am now just broken and also because it would be a challenge even if I were at my best), so she said, "For now..." And I insisted no, not for now, forever, and it's like I'm the fool for predicting the future, when it's based on 59 years of evidence and it's not a prediction, it's a fact about myself.

I told her I had to stop making serious art (I went to art school and it's a serious thing for me) because my ex was my only audience (he's a great artist), and she said "Can't you get another audience?" And I said no. Because it's a sad but just true fact. (Partly because I can't get to know other people, so who in the world would I get, even if there was someone who understood my art in the way that he does.) And again she didn't take me seriously.

Then my ex actually had to intervene to defend me. He has known me for 40 years and he said it's true that there are all these things that seem perfectly ordinary and I inexplicably can't do them, but I really can't do them, it's not just some idea or worry. He said that when we were young (in our 20s) we were both baffled by it, but nevertheless it was an inescapable fact. For instance, I got a job teaching at a community college, and when I went in for the first day I couldn't bring myself to go into the office and I hid in the hallway and cried, and my (same now-ex) had to come pick me up, and I never went back or spoke to any of them. When they called he had to talk to them for me.

I currently have a house that needs extensive clean up work in the yard, and that I want to sell. It's been almost a year and I haven't been able to bring myself to do it (meaning hiring someone to do it). It's not about executive function, which I don't think I have any issue with, it really is like an immovable stone. And it's not that I am afraid to do these things or have some anxiety about them, I just actually can't do them. It would be like walking vertically on a wall. Equally impossible.

That sounds like it's just stubbornness and intransigence, especially to these therapist types who are always trying to offer solutions, even if they are wildly inappropriate for you. I cannot get through to them that this is just my life. I'm just really limited in what I can do.

I understand somewhat... the therapists I saw, often I found that all 3 of them at some point or another would offer some advice that I just could not follow through on. I also can understand how you, having gone through what you have, would not feel like doing anything. That said, what are some things you DO want to do? And why should anyone else have any right telling you what THEY think you should do?

It's not that I don't feel like doing anything, I actually can't, because many things are just too difficult for me to do. I am not able to participate in society in a normal way. Everything is too hard. Some are general things, like talking to people is very hard, not as much if it's just a conversation but if I want or need something from them, like to get my tax bill straightened out (have been putting it off for almost a year) or if I have to go see a doctor and actually try to explain what my issue is so they can try to help. They always stress me out by bringing up things I could do, like screening tests, or changing medications for no real reason, and I have to navigate not showing myself getting annoyed with them but trying to continue to be polite, and navigate that space between pretending to agree but not actually agreeing to something I don't want to or can't do. And it's so hard that most of the time I just can't do it and I don't go at all. And if I do do it I often leave practically hysterical and crying (trying not to break down until I'm outside). Same with calling repair persons. I just don't do it.

I have a friend who thought I acted this way because I was indecisive. I'm not, I just have all these things I have to do and I can't do them. He was baffled by this.

I appreciate you being supportive. The problem is there are lots of things I would like to do but can't.

You can't do them or you won't do them?

If your house caught on fire, could you call the fire company and ask them to come there?

As I mentioned in my post, there are things that are very hard but I do them because I have to, like going to the doctor sometimes. But they are so hard that they come at a great cost, to the point that I sometimes become hysterical, though I try not to show it until I'm out of sight. It's very very difficult to bring myself to do them at all, because I know how much it will take out of me (and I'm also afraid of how I might react, if I can't hold in my distress until it's over). It's not a practically functional way to exist.