autism and changes to routine

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When I was asked if I tended to get upset about routine changes, all I could think about were the things I don't get upset about. I don't have a daily routine and I don't care too much if it gets disrupted.... some things are -supposed- to be flexible, is how I feel.

But tonight at work, I realized that I was getting irrationally upset because the manager and general happenings were forcing my usual work routine to upend itself. (While I was pulling reports off the machines the manager was like "hey, come out here and help get these carts off the lot before you do that". I did it, but I was pissed the whole time and just got even more upset the more things kept happening to throw the Correct Order off.)

I do have routines but I find that it's unexpected change that flips me out. If I think I know what's happening next, whether that's because it's part of a routine or because it's just what's been planned that day, and it changes suddenly then I get upset about it.

I didn't really understand this about myself until a couple of incidents early in my relationship. One I specifically remember was that I was doing something in the garden, can't remember what some sort of project, and my partner dropped a massive piece of wood on her foot and she needed to go to the hospital. And I was just furious because I couldn't finish what I was doing.

And later on, thinking over it, wondering why I wasn't more concerned about the fact my partner had hurt herself and needed help, why my response was intense irritation at her for disrupting what I was doing. It's not that I don't care about her, but in that moment I wasn't able to behave the way I feel I should have done.

That was a big flag for me.

Give me enough time and I can change plans though.

I only don't like change at work if I don't like the task. But I don't think that's about not liking change with me, it's just about...not liking the task.

It's like when I worked at a care home, there were some wings I liked and others I didn't. There were reasons for this, like some wings were easier than others and I don't mean less work but I mean mentally easier; less stressful, more friendly, etc. So when I was put on a wing I didn't like the boss knew I had ASD so she just kept saying "I know you don't like change so we're getting you used to change". But it was nothing to do with change, in fact I'd get bored being on the same wing every day, but I just wished I was put on the less stressful wings. All the staff had their favourite and worst wings. The extroverted staff preferred the stressful wings, while staff like me preferred the less stressful things. But because they knew I had ASD they just assumed that everything I did was autism and didn't listen to my personal reasons.

I don't really follow a routine but at the same time I am sort of in a rut and gets worried if I have to leave my comfort zone. Like tomorrow I'm going to a party, and I'm feeling nervous about it for some reason, and part of me wishes I can just stay indoors and watch TV, in my own home comforts. Even though I knew about the party for weeks, it's not something I need to mentally prepare for, in fact if I only heard about it the day before I'd probably be less stressed about it. I do like surprises. But because I've known about it for weeks, I actually feel more nervous.

Unexpected changes to my routine can be very awkward. I think it's because I often design and execute my plans in a rather robotic, rigid way so that I don't have to think much at the time. I'm a slow thinker. I can't always think quickly enough to compensate well for changes that have to be dealt with on the hoof. When I have to, I feel anxious and I think I'm often in real danger of screwing up.

I suppose I've partly solved the problem by adopting a less rigid approach to things that don't really have to be so carefully controlled, and by learning to deal better with anxiety.

But sometimes it's hard to see what could have helped - I was fairly used to navigating around a building until they repainted the walls and doors. I guess my internal map had been dependent on certain cues from the original colours. But it only slowed me down for a while, it didn't cause any great trouble, and I was barely anxious about it.

Having ADHD on top of it makes it really tough. I crave having routines to cover the things that need to get done regularly, but I absolutely cannot stand being stuck with routines because boredom. Still, the worse is having set up a routine and then having it get derailed by something unexpected.

I think a lot of it has to do with just how fragile the routines are and the fact that without the routines, I get very little done.

I have to map out every step one must take to do anything, because there is (usually) only one way to do a specific thing, and so, anywhere I've ended up that has me "on my own", I've developed a routine. When these routines are going well, I thrive. When they don't, or I'm not allowed to have "my" routines, I suffer greatly. Like I am currently.

I don't have routines, and my sleep schedule is so unpredictable that I couldn't if I wanted to. On the other hand, I do find myself doing the same things in the same way pretty much all the time. I always eat the same foods, for instance, and only a very narrow range of foods. I don't really do anything, though, so I'm not sure what my routine would consist of if I had one. I have chronic fatigue (ME/CFS) so I have to rest most of the time.

My preference for routine manifests in several ways, but the one type of routine that I'm highly resistant to is that of being used to doing something the same way, and then being forced to do it differently. I don't melt down or climb the walls, but I HATE this.

Perfect example is when I have an online account whose site I regularly visit and use, and one day I go on it and the layout has changed!!

Another example: I use Comcast/Xfinity's "Box," which is outdated. They don't make boxes anymore, so if my box malfunctions I'd get a new but USED box. Over the years they keep telling me to get on the new system. But I like the old system I've been using for years and do NOT want to learn the new system.

I visited a huge hospital recently that I had been to many, many times, coming from the same direction and entering the garage parking at the same entrance. I then moved and used other Kaiser facilities. But then I had to use the one I'd always gone to. Because of my new home location, my GPS directed me to arrive from a different direction, which meant a different entrance to the parking garage. I was unfamiliar with that entrance, so I hunted for the "old" one that I had been so used to (it was further down the street).

I hate when grocery stores rearrange merchandise. Again, no hissy fit, but I hate this.

I work from home and wear the same clothes day after day, literally. I also sleep in them! I change only when I go out. I actually have MANY leggings, and enjoy the variety, and always wanted a ton of clothes as a child. But as an adult on my own, I've had only one pair of PJs. My sister got me PJ's one Christmas and those were all I wore around the house for years and years until they were practically rags. My winter coats are like 20 years old.

I once worked at a place, second floor, and one day was told the dept. would be moving to the floor above. I felt very uncomfortable about this.

I hate the concept of, "It's being done a different way now."

Another way "change in routine" manifests is the concept of letting someone use a personal item of yours, or using a personal item of someone's. This checkpoint is from either the RAADS or the Aspie quiz. I would NEVER use someone else's personal item, and I sure hope nobody would ever ask to use a personal item of mine.

Yes, when I set my expectations to be flexible, I can be very flexible. It's all about expectations. --- During her evaluation, I was asked if my (ASD) daughter had a routine and I was like: NOPE, not at all! Because a routine to me is getting into bed exactly at 8:30 every night and, for the life of me, we were unable to do that. A routine is that she would read 3 books every night, but she was flexible and we'd make exceptions. She only sat on my left side when reading books but she was working towards sitting on my right side by her next birthday which exemplified her flexibility. So I reported her as flexible. The doctors didn't understand my relative perspective. Probably contributed to her not getting the correct diagnosis that first evaluation. This time I reported things more from an NT perspective since apparently doctors don't translate well, e.g. even though to me her behavior was completely understandable and "normal" (ASD style), I would say "it was strange when she only rarely... or often does...". I felt like such a traitor, but we checked the boxes this time.