Anger and Fear of Anger

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Reaching out to the community for insight on how other autistic people relate to anger in others and in themselves. For example, I've read that many of us share my experience that just witnessing strong displays of angry behavior is extremely upsetting, even if it's between strangers and I just happen to be there.

For me, apart from whatever neurological disposition I may have, being around my dad as a child was a big factor. I recall thinking about his issues as early as age five. He had extreme perseverative thinking, and would go on and on forever about whatever he was upset about, with minor variations, in a very loud voice. Being on the receiving end felt like torture, even though he meant well and was never physically abusive, or verbally abusive in the usual sense. I didn't want to be like that.

To this day, something in me very strongly wants to insist that I never feel "anger". In-the-moment upset, frustration, irritation, annoyance, impatience, yes. Some might call those species of anger. But the child in me directly associates anger with unreasonable dramatic displays, which I really don't do. I also don't feel like I have lingering resentments. My frustrations etc. usually have very direct, specific causes. After the cause is removed, I feel better, and it doesn't come back.

I think of myself as normally blunt, but in a kind way, even if it is not perceived as such. When I'm upset, my bluntness gets a bit more edge to it, but only a bit. I don't say really unreasonable things, and I don't go on long tirades. I do show emotional disregulation under stress. My voice gets loud even when I am just engaged in talking about a subject, and also when I am upset. I am more likely to lose my train of thought. I physically quiver. Generally, I want to withdraw. I am very slow emotionally and intellectually responding to things that come at me out of the blue, or out of left field. Very often it is hours or more before I come up with a coherent response.

I have great difficulty dealing with my wife's anger with me when it happens. My ASD traits probably play a leading role in provoking her. She has "anger issues" -- partly from being bipolar, partly from having been a victim of prolonged abuse in the past, and partly from other traumas and discrimination. Old resentments typically also bubble to the surface when she's upset, with no common denominator other than being things she was mad at me about. She goes on like my dad did, but unlike my dad, usually talks about the person rather than the words or action. I'm bad. Real dialogue is impossible at such times. My brain doesn't understand that.

We are way better at minimizing escalations than we used to be, but things still come up from time to time. Whenever that happens, I inevitably get traumatized, and take a day or more to recover. Talking things out is usually not an option, because it just starts another cycle; the way we get past these things is to take a breather and come back fresh.

What I want to focus is on here is not my particular experiences, which I mention by way of example, but how other autistic people experience anger and deal with it.

Sometimes if i have a thought or someone says something that makes me angry it sends me on a tailspin and i can go to sleep to try and escape my world falling apart. I wake up and its still there. Ill just try to avoid the thoughts by sleeping as much as i can and when im awake i ruminate in a state of anxiety. Its so stressful that i wonder how i can carry on. Sometimes i stop eating if its really bad. Other times i binge eat to avoid feeling anything. I cant use alcohol anymore, as I crossed a red line with that one a long time a go.

Usually Ill get so bored of living a self defeatist, miserable life i realise that living a happy one takes no more effort than an unhappy one, if you have the life tools.

Sometimes the anxiety can boil over and i can rage and be out of control. I can lash out verbally at people. Its not that often though because its so self destructive. I would say I fear my own anger. I am also averse to anger in other people, especially if its over trivial things. I've learnt to disengage with it.

Other times i can let it go. Meditation helps. Putting a worry timer on each day. Realising when im on unhelpful thought loops and focusing on my breathing for 30 seconds to sidestep any thought that pops up. Living within a 24 hour window only and not mentally time travelling. Realising the only one resentment affects is me. Acting "as if" im a happy person.

i do find other people being angry or fighting very upsetting.

so i will avoid conflict or if i cannot avoid it attempt to diffuse the situation to varying degrees of success.

as far as anger goes for me personally. i dont get angry very often. when i do get angry it burns out fairly quickly and i forgive people. generally i feel ashamed and upset about getting angry and will try to make amends.

I definitely get angry sometimes. To the point of literally shaking with rage.

It almost always comes about because I see someone doing something demonstrably, unequivocally wrong and call them out on it, and they respond with "It's none of your business."

They've done it front of me which makes it my business. But I've never been in a real fight in my life, nor been taught to fight, so there's little I can do about it.

I'm very similar to you. It's very rare for me to get angry, and I get very overwhelmed when people around me are angry. Plus my dad also had problems with angry outbursts.

My partner is also autistic, and he raises his voice and gets intense when he's mad. When he does this, I shut down, and then he gets even more frustrated because I'm unresponsive. He's gotten better at being patient, but it's still a problem sometimes. I need to leave the situation and be alone in a room for at least 15 minutes to be able to think straight again