Identifying your needs

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Hello everyone,
I am still coming to terms with my autism diagnosis and the various effects ASD has on my life. One of the things I am struggling with is identifying what it is I actually need so that I can ask my wife for appropriate help. This is understanding what lies at the core of my various desires, motivations, and lack thereof.

Some things are easy, like I have a sensitivity to light and therefore need to use sunglasses or have lights turned down low.

Other things though are more elusive. We are still learning how to better communicate with each other and while we have found a few things that work I am not sure what needs are driving those and therefore how to best address them.

Also, there are things I enjoy that my wife does with that help. Some my wife and I find easier than others. With the ones that are harder to implement, I'm trying to identify if they are needs that must be met in some way and if so how, or if they are just desires that can be moved away from.

Ultimately I think I am just still questioning everything. What am i masking, What am I not noticing that needs to happen around me?

How do, or have, you identify your own needs and go about meeting them?

Have you had things you thought were needs but turned out they weren't?

any random advice for someone who is probably overthinking everything in light of an autism (ASD, ADHD, OCD) diagnosis?

First observation: You are the same person after the diagnosis that you were before the diagnosis. The diagnosis changes you by making you better informed and, ideally, your spouse is also better informed...but you are the same person.

Personal note: Now that I have a diagnosis, when my bride bumps up against one of my Autism traits I get to say:

I have a doctor's note for that!

I know my needs. But I'd rather forget them.

I just hate having needs enough to be frustrated over it to ever try fulfilling that, not ever telling what that is...

I also have needs that precedes any ND-related needs.
Most of those needs is what I have to identity because it's affecting my health and functioning in ways I have no idea how to solve.

If not fulfilling this particular need meant me being a problem to self and other, that's the only reason why I'd ever bother doing, let alone speak of it.

I hate it that people thinks I just want to be happy. No, I just want self control.
Could care less about pleasure, I want self regulation and less coping about issues like a weight on my back.


TLDR; I just hate being a human.

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I identified mine throughout the course of my relationship. Sometimes you can't just make a list until the situations happen in real time. Even when they happen, they might not be the same the second time around because there are often lots of variables at play.

My ASD report is 30 pages and has a lot of recommendations but most of them are therapeutic, like going for OT, SLP, and Psych. The main things that I can think of right now were sensory accommodations, like I had to take my own blackout curtains to my partner's house, my own bedding and pillows, my own shower products, etc. I had to point out that I couldn't tolerate some of his products because they were scented, so those had to go.

He knows I can't do a lot of social and I have no interest in going to restaurants or spending a lot of time on "dates" in the traditional sense. He didn't really like those things either so that was easy. Then I had to point out I didn't like talking on the phone and I didn't really want to meet his family apart from his older brother, since they're really close and they live on the same property. In exchange, I don't expect him to spend much time with my family. It's only fair.

He knows I don't do eye contact, or very rarely with him, and that I'm not a mindreader. His communication to me needs to be direct and clear because I don't do nuance. I give the same in response, so he doesn't have to deal with "head games" like some women are known to play. This leads to brutal honesty from both of us.

We have to remember it's not just about our needs as ND. The other person has needs too, and they're equally important. If a compromise or negotiation can't be made or if the other person is expected to be all give and no take, then it's not fair to them and the relationship won't be sustainable.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate the support and didn't mean to sound like I was coming down on myself.

My autism diagnosis is a direct result of dinner problems occurring in my relationship, I simply was not understanding it fulfilling some of my wife's needs. Since the diagnosis I've noticed other areas where I am affected. My wife and I are working together to address these issues and help her get what she needs. My struggle is that the same things that kept me from noticing the problem originally make it difficult for me to address them. Together we've found a few things to help me but since I don't really understand my own needs I can't figure out how to ask for help. I do know I need her help otherwise we are back where we were without her needs being met and her unhappy.

I'm still waiting on my report, I'm not sure what it will say. I was supposed to do my follow-up a week ago but it was postponed by a month. I do know the the diagnosis but not the reasons for them other than my own understanding and research.

I only found out a couple years ago, and it has helped with communicating a few things I need (especially since my partner is also autistic, so he understands, even if our specific problems are sometimes different).

For example, I've always had a problem of clamming up and covering my eyes when we're having an intense conversation or an argument. He used to get frustrated because he thought that I didn't care about what he was saying and that I was intentionally trying to shut him out. I couldn't get him to understand that it was involuntary, and that my senses were overloaded.

Now that we know the cause of it, we can better work around it- if we need to have a difficult conversation, I sit facing away from him to avoid getting overwhelmed, and take breaks when necessary to sit alone in a dark room.

Maybe look at aspects of your life that seem "mysteriously" difficult, and think about things that might make them easier that you might not have considered asking for before because they seemed socially unusual

Editing to add-
This happened with a therapist too, a long time ago, and it was what gave me the idea to ask for it from my partner. She noticed me covering my face when I was getting overwhelmed, so she suggested we sit on the floor with our backs facing each other and I felt so much better. I had never considered that as an option, I thought my discomfort was just something I had to live with

A little time spent remembering might help a lot. what things do you find most upsetting?

what things are the hardest to do?

what expectations of others (demands?) do you find almost impossible to meet?

Start with the worst struggles first.


Example: I got physically sick at family gatherings, ended up every time getting horrible headaches and sick to my stomach. I finally made the connection that I was emotionally and physically (sensory) overloaded .


I learned to tell family I had other plans, but made sure to send notes, gifts, or make phone calls when invited to family "events". I have other plans but I will be thinking of you... etc... no need to explain or justify, just keep repeating... thanks but I have other plans... birthdays, weddings, reunions, etc etc can usually be dealt with that way. Sending a hand written note, sending a card and or flowers, etc for a funeral should be enough too.

I changed meeting at a restaurant in a crowded place to getting carry out and eating it in a local park or bringing it home for quiet meals in candle light, etc.

You can usually negotiate to change things by substitution to make them easier to handle when demands of a partner exceed your ability to meet them.

I look at these two lists when trying to identify my needs:

HALT (When Needs are not met)
Hungry (or Hurting) Angry Lonely Tired

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
05 Self-Actualization
Desire to become all that one can be
04 Esteem
Respect, self-esteem, status, recognition, strength, freedom
03 Love and Belonging
Friendship, intimacy, family (sometimes sexual), sense of connection
02 Saftey Needs
Personal security, employment, resources, health, property
01 Physiological Needs
Air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing, (sexual) reproduction