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Hi I’ve been married to my Asperger’s husband 23 years. It is absolutely normal AS behaviour to be prompted to do stuff all the time?

My husband hardly functions unless he gains from doing stuff for himself like he has to be motivated by his own interests.

We never go out unless I arrange it because it doesn’t serve him purpose, he will mask if he goes out with work colleagues to an event.

His work colleagues think I hold him back in life because he can mask around them. I’ve come across people who think my husband’s behaviour is down to me. While I suffer in silence.

My husband doesn’t enjoy sex or any affection either (he has sensory issues) and people blame me for his lack of interest.

I have tried to support him all my life while bringing up our 3 children, which I have worked especially hard to bind a bond between him and our children. In the meantime I have lost out on friendships because people don’t understand my marriage. I’m trying to make a life for me now but people say I’m incredibly selfish.

I feel worn out and depressed and feel no one understands or accepts me. I don’t feel like I love him anymore and stay with him because he needs me and I am ill and can’t work so I stay because I’ve no where else to go. We do get along but like brother and sister. My husband has given me permission for a lover but I’ve been criticised by other people because they say that’s cheating.

Is this a normal Asperger’s marriage?

I can relate to what you're saying because in my marriage (22 years) I do a lot of the things your husband does. This has probably lead to very similar issues.

As for what is 'normal' in an Aspie marriage all I can say is this; if you're neurotypical and he obviously is not, you most likely really, really, really don't grasp how different you both really are, and that is going to result in a lot of misunderstanding and hurt on both sides which after 23 years might look like deeply buried resentments hidden behind the familiar and comfortable routines you've established. I wish I knew that 22 years ago because for me it has resulted in me not taking responsibility for things out of lack of interest or overwhelm and my wife taking those on (bills, housework, general organisation etc); the end result being more like a co-dependent parent child relationship.

You mention several times about what other people think; unless you're married to them too they shouldn't really get a say. You know your truth, what they think doesn't matter.

I don't know about your husband, but this is exactly how I have felt for the majority of my life trying to fit in and be accepted in a neurotypical world. If you can both connect on this level it might be a way for you to start understanding and communicating with each other better perhaps?

Wishing you both good luck.

My wife has been going through a lot of what you're dealing with. It's very typical for someone on the spectrum to be overly self-focused, thus frustrating the NT partner.

Having a life of your own away from your husband is a good idea. You go out and have friends of your own, he can stay self focused and you can still work together on issues with family, the house, etc. Not ideal but a lot less expensive and chaotic than divorce.

And I agree with Comet Zed -- none of this is anyone's business but your own. In fact, I'd be pretty upset if my wife revealed some of the things you said to your friends (you really told your friends that your husband would let you sleep with other people??????????)

Most likely he loves you and realizes he can't meet your emotional needs.
Nor can he change. He is what he is.

I would guess that only 1/3 of marriages are better than the one you have.
2/3s are the same or worse.

Note that Aspies like predictable routines and schedules. Adding something to the routine might take some work...but once it's in the routine then taking it back out might take some work.