Worries about my son

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Hi, I am really worried about my son. He is diagnosed autistic and his mother has pushed for allowances to be made at his school which is fine but I do have my concerns. My lad has come to think of his diagnoses as an excuse not to try at school and just watches YouTube shorts all day, his mum and school kind of leave him too this and are really soft and understanding. As any adults know on this site when he leaves education the real world will not make allowances it will eat him alive and will probably be so much of a culture shock it will delay his career development. Unfortunately his mum does not have a career and neither is she very driven so I am finding it hard teaching him with the little time I have with him the uncomfortable truth is that the world does not owe him anything and it’s cruel and full of bullies and people who will take advantage. How can I correct this situation

I'm not sure this is the correct part of the planet to get a good discussion on this topic.

Might you get better luck somewhere in the "Age/Gender related discussions" area?

However, if your son really believes there is no point in trying because Autism dooms him to failure then perhaps searching the Internet for famous Autistics would provide examples of people who did well even though they were Autistic.

Accommodations shouldn't mean you do whatever you want, yeah.

Accommodations should be used to level the playing field - support for specific challenges. Examples? Need for clear and direct communication, rather than beating around the bush and expecting the autistic person to understand. Allowing for clarifying questions in situations and regarding tasks.
Allowance of stim toys to help focus and/or prevent unwanted alternate behaviors like skin picking or hair pulling.
Allowance of noise reduction equipment, if sensitive to noises in the environment.

There should be a team of people involved in this process, to my understanding.

Unless his autism is so severe that he cannot be in a classroom setting without major harm to his physical or emotional health, I tend to agree that letting him watch YouTube instead of participating in class is nothing more than coddling.

That said, there is no possible way for us to know the entire situation from one post, or over the internet.

check out the parenting page you have no control over this situation, you can't make him study, you can''t change anything except how you choose to deal with it and how you respond to other individuals. Providing a good role model and encouraging instead of criticizing might be a good start. Catch him when he is doing well, doing something, even very small, notice and praise, etc. he will want more recognition and will likely work much harder than if you keep telling him he is failing and he will never amount to anything (what you told us here). Help him find skills to build on and grow, and show him how his strongest interests are related to whatever he is working on in class, etc. Positive reinforcement, not negative. We are told all our lives in so many ways that we are failures... we know that already and it can grind a young soul down. He needs and ally, not another detractor.

How old is he?

He is 11 years old, I agree with the reply about rewarding good things rather than highlighting problems. I have thought about this for a few hours now and maybe my journey has made me a bit hard. As for role models I have tried to show him his families history (Engineers and watch makers for 8 generations) and I know he is bright enough to carry on that legacy but that requires work and sacrifices I could code computers at 6 years old. You guys have really given me some things to think about to change my approach

We internalize a lot of what we deal with in our lives, so I understand for sure.

My autism was never diagnosed until adulthood, so my parents never understood my issues to be anything other than misbehavior and lack of discipline.

So knowing his diagnosis now gives you a great opportunity to learn about both his challenges and strengths!
For instance, lots of us have an eye for details and are able to look at situations from an angle no one else thought about! This has actually been very useful in my job. I also am able to memorize things about my work that others need notes and reminders for.

I fully agree that if he is taught that autism will hold him back, that is what he will manifest.

A note on accommodations past school:
If you're in the US, you have a legally protected right to reasonable work accommodations under the ADA. I have a few with my employer to help me be a better employee and more easily utilize my full potential.

But a lot of living with autism in the adult world is simply recognizing your needs and allowing yourself to do things to make your life easier. I take frequent mini vacations from work - I work with the public, so I get burnt out on socialization very easily. I need extra time away from people to recover so that I don't turn into the grumpiest employee in the world.

Other examples of self accommodations would include the use of fidget toys, sunglasses on glaringly bright days, noise canceling headphones, etc

Of course you want him to be independent, and ideally have a job or a means to support himself, but are you sure that he needs a career or that that is what is best for him? For me it was impossible to have a career or even a full time job (partly due to a disability other than ASD), but I didn't know, and went through many years of anguish desperately trying to do something that I thought was expected or even a given, and failing and failing at it, because I didn't realize that given my weaknesses and strengths it was not actually possible. And I graduated from an Ivy League university, so I am not suggesting that he is not smart or capable, just that he might not be able to navigate the things that you and many people might take for granted as obvious. I would focus on figuring out what his specific strengths and weaknesses are and working on what he can best achieve with those.

of course you want to do what is right for him and so good that you are looking for answers, good on you for caring and trying, he is lucky to have 2 parents who are "with him" on his journey. He needs to hear it. Cheering you on, your son needs you, you can do this. <3 I raised 2 autistic kids to adulthood before any of us found out we were all 3 autistic... I know its darn hard to be a parent these days. I wish I'd had somebody I could have gone to for parenting info. Back in those days nobody knew about autism, let alone made accommodations. Was told all the time I did not punish either of them enough, but had gone that route with my parents and swore that was abuse, would not do it to my own kids I think all parents want their kids to have better lives than the ones they themselves had. You are not alone. !

I was 64 when I was diagnosed as having an Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild) and as also meeting the criteria previously associated with Asperger's Syndrome. Before that I was just "weird".

○ When I was 11 bullies were making my life miserable.
○ My undiagnosed Autistic memory was making some parts of school very difficult...especially areas requiring memorization! My memory is still an issue. As I explained it to one of my Cardiologists: "My memory only works for things that interest me, and I don't get to choose what interests me." (In general I preferred things favoring understanding, rather than memorization.)
○ I'd been reading Science Fiction books since I was 6. I suspect that helped my mind grow. (I started with "Tom Swift", then added Jules Verne and HG Wells, then Isaac Asimov. I think reading lots of real books—not kids books—helped my mind develop, too.)

But key observation, I think this topic is in the wrong part of Wrong Planet. Wouldn't the "Parents' Discussion" topic be more appropriate?

I think it's a mistake to worry too much that he will "delay his career development." I know from my own life experience that autistic people often don't develop and reach milestones at the same rate as NT people. Imposing NT expectations on him is probably going to be counterproductive.

My AS son is extraordinarily intelligent, but struggles in high school. He's also said he wants to do a working holiday in another country rather than go straight to university, and I think that would be a good plan for him, even if it puts him on a different schedule than his NT peers.

I think that having NT expectations for your son's future could backfire. Having no expectations can be just as bad. What are his strengths and interests. Maybe he could get a job doing something that he enjoys. I know for myself that I can't handle more than a 4 hour work day. Have you asked your son if he wants a career? How does he feel about it?

Note...she said he's eleven.

When I was a kid I was intelligent and a hard worker and expected to go places. As an adult I'm a loser with no job. My life went nowhere. I often think that if I'd found out I was autistic when I was a kid, then maybe I would have expected to go nowhere and maybe I would be happier now. I wouldn't be a total failure who once had potential. I would have just been an autistic person trying my best and now just be an autistic person living an autistic life, but not a loser or a failure. Unrealistic expectations can be bad for a person.