Have people said "you don't apply yourself"?

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This is one of the ignorant comments that I absolutely detest: "You don't apply yourself", or "Your problem is you don't apply yourself."

My first instinct is to retort with "How did you conclude that??"


I think a lot of them use confirmation bias, e.g. "Well I've seen you do such-and-such 'normally' once or twice, therefore it's something you CAN do, but you just don't apply yourself."

Like it's a more emotionally palatable explanation to ignorant NTs that we're being obtuse or obstinate, rather than acknowledging that we have discrepancies in neurology, i.e. great intellectual smarts but struggles with aspects of practical smarts. Like it would kill them to admit that we're "not all there" in some way, due to the taboo of mental disorders.

So they impose their own narrative of the ASD/HFA person being obtuse, because that's "closer to normal" or they want to believe that deep down, we're actually a "normal person" with character failings.

I think another retort to this cutting comment is "Well, you should try walking a mile in another person's shoes before you judge them", but they might write that off as self-pity or victim attitude, or even manipulation.

"You don't try to be cheerful and optimistic."
In fact, I really don't work hard enough. Laziness and muddling through are my shortcomings.
everything，even eating or girlfriend

Never had that one levelled at me, but I suppose it's plausible that somebody or other might think it of me if they were in the habit of jumping to conclusions without due consideration of the matter. I have a tendency not to attempt tasks unless I can clearly see how I'm going to succeed with them. When I can see how it's going to work, I roll up my sleeves and get on with it. I just find it difficult sometimes to communicate the snags and pitfalls I anticipate, so people might wrongly conclude that there are no difficulties in my path.

you don't even try! you are not listening, pay attention, stop it, do better, you have no excuse for these failures except being lazy!

on and on and on.

Imagine my surprise when at age 68 I got my autism diagnosis and neurological testing revealed that I had sensory processing disorder. I am only 25th percentile visual processing and 35th percentile audio/ hearing processing. No matter how hard I try, most of what I see and hear in "real time" is not processed.

It was a relief to learn everything was not a matter of my character or lack thereof all those years and that my neurology was to blame for all of it.

Today I have found a few adjustments to my life have made some things better, and I don't even attempt to do many things "in real time". I am amazed to look back at all those whys and struggles and think it is surprising that I did as well as I did with the handicaps autism gave me. I am a survivor, not a failure.

I have had every kind of insult thrown my way in life, along the timeline of years gone by.

These insults have included:

"You don't apply yourself" and "he (me) is not all there."

I think teachers used to write things to that effect on my reports. I remember once in class my teacher declared in frothing rage "You'll never amount to anything!" in response to my refusal to work with a girl who was bullying me all the time. I suppose that kind of implies that I don't apply myself, or maybe it implies that even if I were to apply myself I'd achieve nothing of value.

I don't put as much effort into most things as I could. Don't know if that is an ASD thing. Could probably be more successful in life if I worked harder.

Everything used to be easier, especially in school, I never had to try. I never learned how to learn anything because I figured anything worth doing was easy for me.
I'm sick of trying so hard to do things that come easy for everyone else. I suppose I do the minimum amount I have to do, my only motivation to just not be yelled at. In response to this "you don't apply yourself", I'd say: why should I?

My last 2 employers thought I was just a lazy weak entitled millennial, even though I had disclosed that I was a high functioning autistic. So I can relate to everyone else's experiences. Sometimes you can do all the right things and everything will still go to s***. I guess some people are just ignorant a-holes that's all.

I find myself on both sides of that equation.

Everyone has different aptitudes.

But the problem is that everyone ALSO has the SAME attitude ABOUT aptitudes.

Everyone assumes that everyone else has the same kinda mind that they themselves have.

So if other folks cant do something that you find easy then...your assumption is always that other person is "just not applying themselves".

But if you're on the spectrum you have to take it when folks kick you in the ass for "not applying yourself". But if you dare tell an NT that they need to "apply themselves" to master something that you find easy then...the NTs will lecture you about how you need to "learn to tolerate differences in others".

I would expect that because most people are ignorant about autism.

Folks on the spectrum often have very uneven abilities. They are great for some things and lousy at others.
People will look at the great things you can do an expect equal performance with everything else.
Or don't realize that what may be minor inconveniences to others can be major roadblocks to someone with autism!

If you are lucky you can teach them otherwise.

I think another large part of the issue is confirmation bias.
NTs will cherry-pick one or two examples of how your behaviours or responses conformed perfectly to NT expectations, and say "Well I've seen you do such-and-such, so I know you can do it like everyone else... you're just not applying yourself."

Only ONCE did I have an older woman in the workplace more accurately criticize me for "not being consistent" or regressing. THAT, if anything, is a more objective assessment of ASD/HFA struggles; they recognize your efforts but that you're being asked to process things that are outside of your "default operating system" and that you can't consistently emulate them because of your apparent limitations.

But that's a minority of viewpoints. Think of the analogy of going to a foreign country, like Italy, where you've practiced Italian from tutorials for 50-100 hours so you've got something of a handle on it, and you speak in perfect Italian to locals in one situation - but that was a one-off - so they speak faster to you and use bigger words then you struggle.

The only difference in the analogy is the NTs wonder why we struggle to process non-verbal nuance and state of mind with implied expectations. With those Italian folks, they'd tend to be more understanding and less critical.

Quite true.

Partially autism (the senses, stress, etc.) and partially something unresolved, unaddressed and ignored whatever (the crap that I cannot afford due to sheer internal dysregulation).


And thus, this year I want to peel layers and layers of ignore stuff out of my system.
I'm sick of struggling and ignoring that I pretend to feel nothing.


I wish I feel nothing.
Not dragging lows, not uncontrollable highs. Not even the 'necessary' sensations like pain, discomfort and whatever hormonal shite.

I would've succeeded in a lot of things if I feel nothing but neutral and definitely just being regulated.
But no, I was born with a needy body. Needier than my head could handle.
I'd rather deal with just one or the other, but I have both unfortunately.

So I handled my head first as a child -- ignoring whatever my body is whining about. I still am.
Long before adulthood, I concluded that this is no one's problem. I just want to 'manage' this, but I don't want to live a life managing 'this' because it's not LIVING...


And never mind any attempts to 'apply myself' if I'm just too distracted with my damn self.

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