Dignity

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I tell only people who I am close with about my DX. For two reasons:

1. Ignorance: Not too many people have heard about AS, and then when you tell them it'sa form autism people start thinking even less of you.

2. Dignity: Cuase of the ignorance I feel my dignity has been damaged. Founding out I had AS I think was a very traumatizing event.

I was in denial for many years.....

I was 11 or 12 when parents first told me I was autisitc, I didn't beleive them for two reasons:

1. I once saw an autistiic kid and all he did was frail his arms and scream in frustration all day.(LFA)

2. I was in special ed for 1-5 grade but after I was tottally mainstreamed. How could I be autistic if I able to function like the rest of kids???

But I wasn't functioning like the rest of the kids, I had a very few friends, everyone thought I was either ret*d or crazy or some kind of freak.

Then at age of 16 I start reading about AS/autism and that was the nail in the coffin right there...

I was a very happy child, full of pride, I felt like I could anything. But now I feel very limited. Very different. Very incomptetent. I feel like a total ret*d, just like the kids at school said I was.

man Im such a loser autism destroyed my pride.

Thinking about all this makes me want to cut myself. Im not going to kill myself, I just want to deal with this. I need a way to punish myself for being the way I am. I really hate myself.

Jman,

By the end of your post you started sounding pretty bad. You should try to remind yourself that you are STILL able to be productive just like any of the NTs out there. Being different than the norm is not a prision sentence!

If you think AS is bad, try complaining about it to the conjoined twin who's brother is gay and they share the same anus, and his brother's boyfriend is coming over.

The intent of my message is to be encouraging . . . despite the fact that it is rather lame.

-Keith

Jman, you said that you felt self-confident before you started reading about autism and accepting your diagnosis. Yes, it's hard finding out that you're different from others but you are the same person you were before your dianosis. Everything you felt capable of didn't all the sudden disappear just because of some label. That's all autism is, a label, a way of describing how your brain functions. It doesn't define who you are as a person any more than having blue or brown eyes.

I also found out, not too long ago about my Asperger's syndrome. Although it was a relief that I finally knew why I wasn't like everyone else and that my being an outcast wasn't my fault, I realized I may never be able to control some of my odd traits. But now, I don't come down hard on myself like I used to and couldn't care less whether others accept me or not.

The bullying we go through is indicative of society's failures, not our's and like Scoots said, sometimes we have to heal from the wounds inflicted by others and use the strength we obviously had during those times for when we start making our way in the world. And don't think you're limited because of autism. You're only as limited as you let yourself be.

Nirrti

Everything you're all saying so true. I already knew all of it deep down. Last night I was in a really crazy mood. I wasn't depressed, but at the same time I hated myself. It felt so unreal. I felt so unreal I had to do something about it.....

I cut the upper part of my arm to stop the numbness and derealization. Everyone's gonna notice it at work now. Im sorry guys.

I am fortante to be blessed with a serenity that allows me to accept what is, is. I haven't exactly had a easy past, but what I try to focus on is what I do have, and make the most of it that I can.

To use a very cliche statement, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Jman, I have felt a similar decrease in confidence since I learned about AS. I know I am the same person and I am capable of great things, but now I can't ignore the things that I am incapable of.
But there is no reason to blame or punish yourself. Quite the opposite.
I find that being around people now just makes me very sad.
When I can be alone to pursue the things I love, then my life is very happy. I try to keep this in mind, when things seem really bad.

It's like being at a dance, with a broken leg, and everyone won't leave me alone, they keep trying to make me dance. But eventually I'll find some time to sit down and take it easy, and my leg won't hurt so bad.

Jman, you sound like you need a hug.

Jman:

Could it have something to do with the young lady you can't stop thinking about?

No need to be sorry, jman. You did what you needed to do to get though the night.

self harm is a hard thing. It works so well and is so additive. I found a good website for people struggling with self harm. Most of them are cutters, but not all. One of the stickly threads is ideas for healthier alternatives. I particularly like smashing ice against the sidewalk. I'll PM you the site and you can visit it is you feel like it.

I hope today is going better for you.

BeeBee

Exactly, it just might be, BeeBee.

Dignity is not something I have much(or any) of, due to past experiences.

No it had nothing to do with that girl...It was all implications of AS

for example:

I see the girls talking and flirting with my male co workers and not with me

also everyone getting invited to parties and not me