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41 years old. Been rapidly getting physically weaker, mentally slower, and more emotionally fragile and socially awkward. June 2021, doctor wrote a note for work, that I am not allowed to lift over fifty pounds. Been working since October 2020 @ Home Depot as Lot Attendant. Last week, human resources called me in. It told me that Corporate wants me to get a doctor to fill out a form about work accommodations. She said that if my back pain is better, then I don't need work accommodations anymore, and if my back pain is worse, then Home Depot will see if it has a job for me that doesn't involve heavy lifting. She said Cashier is the only job w/out heavy lifting. (She didn't say anything about Department 59, Back Office, Loss Prevention, or Bookkeeper.) I scheduled a doctor's appointment for June 24. Human Resources told me that on June 18, I go on Leave of Absence. Then I said that the schedule said that I work on June 18, so do I work on June 18? She said, "come to work on June 18 and keep coming to work every day you are scheduled, until I tell you you are taking too long." What the flying f**k? "Leave of absence starts June 18" means you are not supposed to come to work on June 18. "Leave of absence starts June 18" does not mean "come to work on June 18 and keep coming to work every day you are scheduled, until I tell you you are taking too long".

13 years ago, when I worked as an Actor, the company told me to get a doctor to fill out a form. Primary physician had the nerve to refuse to sign the form, b/c "I am not comfortable filling out the form b/c I don't know if you can do the job." A correct statement. However, it is not possible to know if *anyone* can do *anything*, b/c every situation is different. Even if yesterday I did a backflip, today a car runs over my worthless corpse, and tomorrow I won't be able to do a backflip anymore. But whatever. Then I went to another doctor that filled out the form. Then the company had the nerve to tell me that the doctor filled out the form the wrong way.

But whatever.

Anyways, I am terrified that someone is going to tell me to lift this 567# cabinet, or else you get promoted to Customer.

Seriously regret not doing better in college. BA Cognitive Science 2007. All the jobs that I have had after that, did not involve a high school diploma, much less a college degree. Applied for plenty of jobs. Some interviews and some offers. Almost all the jobs had the nerve to make my worthless corpse redundant. 2.19 (out of 4) GPA. Teaching credential requires 2.67gpa (at the two closest programs). Later got an AA in Accounting in 2016. Three unpaid accounting internships in 2016. Could not find any more accounting experience, paid or otherwise, after that. Now it has been eight years, and my already dismal accounting skills have gotten much worse. Masters Library Science requires 3.0 GPA undergrad.

Seriously regretting not doing better academically.

useless degree

41 years old. Since starting work @ Home Depot, back pain. Plenty of entry level jobs (restaurant, retail, sales), put "lift fifty pounds" in the job description. 24-26, and 36-current, been on testosterone to transition to male. Clinically depressed, autistic. 5'3", 110#. Chinese. Since age 24, lost about 15#. Got fired from plenty of jobs. Been applying for jobs for a long time. Including fast food (Subway, McDonalds, Burger King). Only a couple interviews and zero offers.

Government benefits not guaranteed, sufficient, or permanent.

Single, zero children, parents dropped dead.

destroyed my "life".

emotional overeating

feel like drowning

First I just want to say that's a lot you're dealing with. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can feel your pain coming through.

Yeah, leave of absence means you don't work. I don't know what HR is talking about. I'm guessing they don't either. All in all that sounds like a bad store to work for. It may not be typical of all stores in that chain but that doesn't help you any; you still are working at that one.

I've never been to college so a lot of those types of jobs are closed to me. I learned things on my own and was lucky enough to get a job with a company that encouraged us to learn. Their philosophy was if you can prove you can do it, we'll figure out a way to let you do it. Hopefully you can find something like that. But I know so many employers just care about that piece of paper.

I don't think you have destroyed your life. It isn't easy overcoming your work history but I believe that you will find something good. Hmm, have you tried entry jobs in a different environment, like office work or something like that? You have that AA in accounting; that may show potential employers that you're worth taking the risk to hire. There's typically no lifting in office work, not anything heavy anyway.

Yeah, it sounds like you're clinically depressed. I'm sure that isn't helping your outlook on things any. I know from personal experience that if I tell you to try to look on the bright side and see things differently right now, you'd probably reply "yeah, right, what bright side". But you do need to get out of your own head. I'm assuming you're working with a mental health professional. But there's nothing like talking with good friends to get a different perspective on life and yourself.

Your last full paragraph lists things that you feel is wrong with you or about you. Let's see if we can try to turn some of those things around. You're a shorter, slim Chinese transman who is currently trying to transition. I don't see those as negative, simply facts. You're 41, which means you aren't a kid anymore but experienced. That helps in many situations. Your back pain means you can't do some jobs but there are plenty of jobs you can do. Getting fired from jobs doesn't help but you can overcome this too.

I know, it's easy for me to sit here and say these things. I'm not the one who has to believe them. But hang in there. I know things probably look bleak at the moment. I know you've got this. You don't have to go through it alone. I'm here for you, we're all here for you. Keep posting and don't give up, OK? It will get better.