guilt and shame

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the longest job, ever had: 3 years 11 months and counting. home depot lot attendant. currently age 41.

second longest (paying) job ever had: 5 months, Tuesday Morning store, cashier, age 18

got made redundant from plenty of jobs: ucsf, AAA, wespac

shortest paying job: 2 days ("Today's your last day. Not a good match.") ("at will" employer). They didn't even tell me what I did wrong.

2007, age 24, BA, cognitive science
2016, AA, accounting

all the jobs i had, minimum wage

long amounts of unemployment.

never had a full time job.

18-24 college. (parents kept complaining b/c they paid for 6 years of college, and i didn't even go to an Ivy League school, STEM degree, or anything like that. and, even after college, none of the jobs i got, involved a college degree or anything like that.)

24-now, living in parents' house. (parents died 66 and 71. my sister owns the house i have been living in. she keeps telling me she wants to sell the house. she lives 15 miles away with spouse and two kids. she's four years older than me and she is or was a medical doctor). i only earn minimum wage and there is no way i could pay for room and board if/when my sister sells the house. terrified of homelessness. zero "friends" will let me sleep on their couch. zero children, always been single.

feel ashamed and guilty for being unemployed and underemployed for so long. parents paid for everything: six years of ucsd. and a car. parents were a preschool teacher and a warehouse worker. did not earn much $$$$. when they were my age, they had a 6 and 2 year old. at that time, they each had an associate's degree. i have more education than them and fewer dependents and i still have been failing to make ends meet. i feel guilty and ashamed that parents financially supported me for so long.

lot attendant, totally unskilled job. nowhere near STEM.

customers have the nerve to:
almost hit me with cars
whistle @ me
bark @ & swear @ me
call me "Chino", "boy"
say "huh" and "what"
touch me

s**t like that.

i feel like a f*****g slave s**t.

Sometimes guilt and shame can help motivate us to brave what is difficult. If money is short, another part time job might be helpful. You might try a temp agency to see if there are options of which you are unaware.

If the person you have been now disappoints you, work at becoming the person you want. Look to the future.

Guilt and shame can be great motivators.

It sounds like you’ve been carrying a heavy burden for a long time, and it’s understandable to feel overwhelmed by the challenges you’ve faced. It’s important to distinguish between guilt and shame here: guilt is about feeling bad for something you’ve done, while shame is feeling like there’s something wrong with *you*—and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve been doing your best in a difficult situation. Remember that your value isn’t defined by the jobs you’ve had or where you are right now. You’re surviving and working hard. It might help to focus on practical next steps like community resources, job support programs, or even talking to your sister about a plan. Hang in there—you’re worth more than this situation makes you feel.