memory loss during meltdowns?

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My mother is CONSTANTALY telling me about how I used to "attack" or "bite" her as a child. I have no memory of it but I suppose it is possible. I just don't remember actually biting her. She says she has physical scars. She tried to show them to me but I don't see anything, or maybe I don't really know what I'm looking at. She tells me this CONSTANTALY when I ask her why she did not let me do things as a child. "You were so aggressive". Well yes, I was constantly bullied in school and you did NOTHING but tell me it was my fault, of course I'm not going to be Little Miss Sunshine. My dad was also physically abusive and I was told that was my fault for making him angry.

I looked over some of my old notes from psychologists when I was like 3 and one states "MagicMeerkat often states "I wish my dad was nicer to me" more seriously instead of just brushing it off as my behavior stressing out the family.

But to this day my mom is CONSTANTALY reminding me of how I used to bite and "attack" her. I have no memory of it. I'm not saying I didn't. I just don't remember. She has no memory of things she did to me. Such as recording my meltdowns on tape (thankfully we didn't have a video recorder and You Tube did not exist) and mocking my meltdowns.

Telling me I needed to give up on being a vet as young as third grade because of my dyscalculia but now my mom will say she always supported me. BS, you won't even tell that vet lady who said she was going to give me "training" to be a vet assistant off because she was just giving me janitor training and had no real plans of giving me actual vet training and I ALMOST unalived myself. I feel like my mother values the opinion of strangers more than her own daughter's life. I never told my mother I almost unalived myself beucase I knew shed' threaten to send me to a mental hospital and say, "If that's how you feel maybe you don't need to be a vet after all".

But she has no problem reminding me of times I "attacked" her and doesn't seem to believe me when I don't remember. I did have a LOT of meltdowns as a kid even AFTER I learned how to speak because if I tried to use my words, it didn't matter, no one listened to me. I only actually remember two times where I bit someone. Once on the school playground when this boy kept getting in my face saying "bite me, bite me". I tried to walk away from him but he kept following me and the teachers just told me to "ignore him". He would NOT stop so I obliged him.

And another when my 4th grade teacher grabbed my arm so hard she left a bruise. She wouldn't let go when I asked her too and the next thing I knew, my teeth were on her arm. But my mother is always telling me I bit her as a child. Maybe I did but I don't remember. I'm wondering if I had a meltdown and my mom did taunt me during meltdowns and threatened things that would be considered abusive that she obviously doesn't remember. Maybe I did bite her mid meltdown? Is it possible to have a meltdown and not remember it?

I tend to black out when the red mist starts.

You can actually really see red when it gets that intense. It happens when you get extreme blood flow to the eyes with a massive surge of adrenaline. It's rare but it can actually happen.

https://www.wellandgood.com/what-does-seeing-red-mean/
https://medshun.com/article/is-seeing-red-a-real-thing

There's some amount of literal basis for the cliche, but it's typically metaphorical.

I'm never violent, it's just screaming, swearing, and at times throwing things. I do recall blacking out a couple times though.

During my berserker moments everything is tinged red.
It is literal.

I wonder if a berserk rage while overdosing on viagra would make me see purple

I can't remember if I ever saw red but one time, I saw like lines, or it seemed like things got dark, in another thread I mentioned an evil meltdown I had. If this had happened now, I would have gotten fired. Thing is, I remember some of it but some of it I don't.

Reading your posts from over the years, your parents have sounded abusive and sound like typical parents I have read in r/raisedbynarcissists.

From what you described sounds like gaslighting. I wouldn't be surprised if most of your behavior were caused by your parents.

During my meltdowns, I don't have memory loss.
Well, I also don't feel guilt in any aftermath -- because it's literally other people's fault when they all knew better than not to provoke me.

And my meltdowns don't necessarily expressed in violence -- it can be just fleeing and going to places without a regard to my own safety.
Also when I do fight in meltdowns, I don't flail around or randomly bite or hit -- I hit people where it really hurts.

.. But that's probably because I'm very accustomed to the state of overwhelming anger...

I don't see a tinge of red; anger, frustration and irritation and more negative emotions is just one of the many catalysts for me though a common one.

I "see red" for like half the time for most of my life -- yes it's very exhausting because it doesn't turn off or leave me alone until like, very recently, very thankfully that it happened at all.

I was a really angry violent kid, a still violent teen, and a then violent young adult -- no inducing meltdowns required.

Sure, it did felt like observing my body and losing control during meltdowns...

But in some ways it's feels so cathartic and releasing, like a break from all that bodily noise, from all that mental noise including something feel like self preservation and wants... I don't feel panicked at all; if anything I felt "less responsible" for it and, well, "less holding back"...

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