Difference

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I relate to Spock deeply; but not in the superficial sense of being dogmatically attached to Logic. I relate to him because in the words of H.P. Lovecraft "I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century....". Spock is a true outsider. He is part human but also part Vulcan and thus he finds it extremely difficult to relate to either one. His mind truly works in a unique way that neither of the two species can understand.

This is where I come in. The way my mind functions is unique to most people, such that my mind has been termed autistic. I have qualities that people have always deemed "intelligent" and noteworthy. I remember I was once stumped by a puzzle and my teacher said "So there IS something you can't do!". My science teacher told me that I can change the world. In the realm of the intellect, I am admired by most adults.

I specify "most adults" because my peers do not hold me in such esteem; perhaps because I am lackluster in most other realms. My social faculties are deformed and barely functional. The only conversations that I can have and that I often deem worth having are of a heavy, academic quality. I can hold endless monologues in my head about every topic ranging from poetry to entomology but once it is time to engage in rapport-building "small talk", my tongue is paralyzed.

As Homo sapiens are eusocial animals whose entire existence revolves around social happenings, I am deeply affected by my social failure. My social failure does seem to be entirely the product of my mind. People usually seem to like me at first, but they quickly realize that I am strange. My inability to build a rapport and my speech seem to alienate people and make them uncomfortable. My social abilities are especially hampered when my mind isn't clear and in emotional warfare with itself.

Now, I will discuss the story of Justin Spoonhour. Justin was like me in many ways. He felt the same social isolation and disparity between his mind and others, his interests (climate change, beethoven, nuclear weaponry...) were unlike those of his peers and did not translate well into normal conversations. He was often bullied in school, had no friends, and even his parents didn't understand him. Now, I did not know Justin, but I can tell just by these second-hand accounts that we share commonalities.

The difference? Justin Spoonhour hung himself on Valentine's Day, 1984. They mention that a little before that he watched a program about a nuclear apocalypse and his dad reported that that really upset him. I think that maybe the program made him realize the futility of his interests and, in utter despair, he felt he had nothing left to live for and so he killed himself. In one of his books, Bertrand Russell said that the only reason he didn't kill himself was the desire to learn more mathematics.

I don't know what would happen if I lost my zeal for all my interests. I would certainly be plunged into deep depression if not worse. And, of course, people often tell me that I need to do something more practical! It's crazy how unaware they are of the potential effect that statement would have on my mind if I took it to heart!

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about how different I am. I don't feel like I have anything besides my interests, which is funny because I do have something: a girlfriend. For the longest time, I thought that if I simply had a girlfriend, all my trials and tribulations would dissolve! So what did I do? I did my damnest and got one. It took 17 years but I managed to defy my expectations and get a girlfriend. This is especially comical when I ponder how easily most people get into relationships. For them, it doesn't appear to be that big of a deal, it seems like a casual decision! I, on the other hand, felt the triumph of this new relationship for quite some time, living off the ecstasy from it. I quickly resolved that I would marry her and we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Of course, these feelings fade with time. I had resolved that if anything were to happen to this relationship, if it was dissolved, I would promptly kill myself. This is, of course, deeply, deeply pathological. But that sentiment went on to define the relationship and I would go through hell and high water to appease her and make her happy. It is an easy relationship for her. She does not have to try because she knows that I will do everything. I hardly ever show my frustration with her because when I do, she shuts down and refuses to talk to me, so I have hidden these frustrations.

It is so strange when I compare these sentiments to my current ones. I am now easily frustrated by her and I feel like she is a burden. She wants to be a stay at home mom which of course means I will be the main breadwinner. The problem? I have no experience or aptitude for any work. I currently work at Dollar General and have been there for almost a year. She has been extremely pushy about me getting a "real job" and "stepping up" to the point of threatening to break up with me. She wasn't always like this, and with every passing day I realize the incapatibility of our values more and more. She has become extremely traditional (for some inexplicable reason) while I question every part of society, especially tradition.

The remedy seems obvious: End the relationship. But I don't know if I have the strength to do so. There is a vestige of that original love I felt for her and I know that if I end this relationship I will have nobody to talk to besides my grandmother, my mom and my dad. There is also the fact that this would be irreversible. If I do this, there's no going back. Also, I know that she would take it poorly, to speak mildly; as I am her easy way out.

But I realize that romance will not save me! I am trapped in this small, fragile brain surrounded by judging, violent, uncharitable, enterprising creature who do not understand me and who, rightfully I cede, do not care to in a universe that is inhospitable outside of a very small box with infinite ways to horribly and painfully blink out of existence. It is quite the predicament. If I lose this relationship, however, I know that all I'll have left is the order of work to keep me from drowning in my own despair!

Further, it's not like this relationship would be easily replaceable if I ended it, if romance were a true remedy to my problems. I know that I will be living in my tiny trailer on my parents land with no opportunity to talk to anyone besides the familial trinity. I am, of course, extremely grateful that I won't have to worry about having a place to live.

That is, in summation, my conflict. I will post this here because I don't know where else to.

I'm affected by my differences in a notable way, but I've learned to make peace with them as well.

Notable enough to not afford the entire weight of it since and no thanks to puberty.

That I'm pursuing ways on how to upgrade everything within, hunt down every solvable but stiffing states, and find ways to be healthier to afford said differences from becoming dysfunctional.


Notable enough that people blames autism for all my would-be-very-much solvable issues. "Oh, no! That's just a part of autism! Deal with it!"

But I know which is actually autism, and which is unwanted shite regardless of autism.


Notable enough that no one understands, and no one so far can help me.
Notable enough that I have to take matters into my own hands.


But in a sense 'notable' like, being bullied and not getting invited, missing things out and not fitting in, not having relationships and not being able to keep a job? -- The typical metric as to how others are affected?

I never cared much about it.
All I cared about whenever related to such is how to get rid of sources of executive dysfunction within me.
And not all my EFD is 'autism' like most people blames or assumes.

I just believe that solving this EDF problem, all my skills and development will follow through.

In which without EDF issue, I can be very free, live as I please and still keep my autism.
That I can have notable differences, but won't negatively affect me in ways I didn't unlike whatever the hell puberty did to me.

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Out of 9 respondents I am surprised that I am in the minority for answering "Extremely".

I think there is a distinction between who is perceiving my difference and their impact on me.

I think (hope) that many people will discern that I am different but not think that, in general, it is a big deal.

But, for me, being on the inside looking out the differences would seem to have greater impact. I think I am masking the differences...to some extent.