A Wedding and Self Diagnosis

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If you look at my sig you'll see that I joined WP when I thought I probably had Asperger's Syndrome (which was how most people on WP seemed to identify at the time) and many participants were self-diagnosed, however as time went on I began to question that as my symptoms were arguably not "severe" enough. So I want to share a recent experience.

Without going into any background, we were invited to a wedding in Spain. So after the banquet, there was a dance floor with DJ and bar set up outside. Although a great deal of Havana Club was mixed with Coca-Cola and consumed, nevertheless when young Spaniards party, they become boisterous in a way that I can't explain solely by reason of alcohol. Lots of rhythmic shouting and throwing the bride and groom into the air.

Needless to say, the music was loud, although perhaps not by the standards of most in attendance. After a couple of hours of hanging out around the dance floor (bear in mind I'm 72 and you'd think I'd be invisible to most people there anyway) I began to freak out. I simply needed to get away from the music, and TBH also the crowd around me who were socializing (in contrast to a crowd of commuters in a train station) just became too much. It's hard to explain what I mean by the socializing and how it affected me, but it was definitely a thing. BTW there were other older people there including a couple in their 80s with whom I had spoken multiple times.

I went to an area near the washrooms where there was a sofa and sat there. It was sort of like when you spend too much time in the hot sun and simply HAVE to seek shade. Two 15-year-olds, male and female, both of whom had stayed at our house during a summer when they attended sleep-away camp, separately came to me and expressed genuine concern. I was happy that they cared enough to do that. I tried to explain that the music had become too much for me and blamed it on age.

Nevertheless, of more than 200 people there, I was the only person so affected. I can't blame it entirely on culture. I came to believe that since the pandemic I had had very little exposure to something like this, and had now become reacquainted with the phenomenon. Like I said, nobody else there had a problem like I was having. It was a rude awaking for somebody who had long doubted their self-diagnosis.

When I joined Mensa over 40 years ago, there would be occasional parties at different members homes. I found I could come about 15-20 minutes early and help set up. After about a half an hour after things started, I would have to leave. The reason for leaving was the discomfort in a group of people. I have tried to identify the specific discomfort such as not having anything to say to someone or the sound level of concentrated group discussions, but I am not sure if I can identify anything specific.

I enjoy having conversations with people one on one and have a variety of interests. I think there is a level of superficiality in large groups even if conversing with an individual such that anything substantive is usually avoided. Alcohol tends to amplify poor behavior and can make large groups even more difficult to tolerate.

I am 74 and while my avoidance of large gatherings can now be attributed to age, I have always found them to be uncomfortable. I can identify with your discomfort and suggest that you do not worry about the many others who can so easily plunge into a social milieu.

That feeling of being overwhelmed is something I experienced when I went to dances at high school. My parents forced me to go to them. I enjoyed the music, but not with so many people present at one time. I had to physically leave the area after a certain amount of time or I would start to feel ill. Social overload is what I would say it caused from. We only have a certain amount of exposure before it starts to affect us. Those not on the spectrum do not have this issue, so they cannot understand what it feels like.

I feel for you. I bring ear plugs with me everywhere. And I wore them to the last two weddings. They block out the big noises and I could still hear people's voices. I know other people use noise canceling devices but I'm cheap.

I'd have politely refused to have anything to do with it. I'd probably have survived the experience but I would have hated it. These "lively" things always seem to me like they might go a step too far.

I'm tempted to sit in judgement and call them a bunch of bad names for being so loopy and (to my mind) immature, but I suppose what they do is fairly harmless as long as everybody is there voluntarily and knows what to expect. It might serve some purpose to them, but I can't say I understand what that purpose is.

As for whether or not it shows you have ASD, maybe the meltdown thing you had is some indication, but I'm sure a lot of people of your age and background would have found it a bloody awful experience and would have reacted quite badly to it. I don't suppose I'd have melted down, as I don't have meltdowns, but that might be because I value my personal comfort very highly and I seem to have a nose for things that might seriously threaten it.