social anxiety caused by autism

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I was first diagnosed with anxiety in 2018. On paper they went with "generalized anxiety disorder" but during my initial appointment for meds we discussed social anxiety specifically.

More than a year out from my ASD diagnosis and it's becoming so clear that while I do have social anxiety it's less "SAD" (social anxiety disorder) and more.... I compensate for my lack of social grace by being socially anxious.

If I'm familiar with a situation then I'm more or less fine. If people get angry at me I'll cry or meltdown but so long as I know what to expect I'm quite comfortable.

Put me in a new situation or one where I have no idea what to expect.... I am extremely anxious and distressed. I am afraid of stepping one toe out of line. By being extra careful not to break rules - whether spoke or unspoken - I avoid upsetting people.

I simply don't know people are upset with me until they tell me this or they become very visibly upset or snap at me.

This is pretty much my situation. I have social anxiety because I know I'm not good at socializing. When I'm around people I know well I'm not anxious because I know they'll understand if I mess up a little.

As a kid I was too oblivious to realize I was bad at socializing so I had no anxiety and was confidently weird. Once I realized I wasn't doing a good job I suddenly became too anxious to talk to anyone and became very shy and reclusive, which really is worse than being confidently weird.

I have enormous social anxiety which I have masked for years. I recognize some of my social deficits but it's the judgement of others that compounds everything. I wish I didn't care about outside opinions but I know that's a huge part of my anxiety.

I sometimes think if I were more socially anxious, I'd not end up putting my foot in my mouth most of the time.

Once upon a time... I used to.

But then I had to go through realizations before I became an adult;
That one, all that unpredictability has some sort of pattern. And it does, really, that's how it led me to look at local cultures and locale psych instead of the internet where it doesn't reflect my locale.
That two, I don't want to live a life fearing of 'being found out' or living to please people over an idea of a social need -- that turns out the need nor longing do not exists within me.
And three, learning that caring too much for the wrong things is mostly to root of it -- getting included or excluded, getting labeled or not labeled, reputations and assumptions, etc.
That I'd rather use those assumptions than convince to change them or please them.

While I overcame a lot of social related anxieties, I went through apathy and hostility.
And into something beyond these terms.

Then I can take all the social mistakes and blunders, all that human unpredictability and uncertainty...
... Then it made easier now that I'm becoming way less reactive and more in control of myself, with a wounded inner child and a spoilt swollen ego no longer at the driver's seat.


Sure, I'm not some great entertainer or negotiator. No social anxiety does not mean more social skills, nor immune to rejection or hurt.
And it's not because I'm autistic -- which I found, autistics seem to overestimate NTs.
... And I knew the difference between an average NT from the NTs most autistics are overestimating them to be.
They ain't the same. That's just an illusion.

Lastly, finding out that NTs have more anxieties more than I do is just a cherry on top.
And everything about human fundamentals, which might as well kill any future social anxieties that may exists.



I cannot precisely tell how I overcame my own social anxiety by the time I was 16 or so.
It was probably the very moment that I have to accept that I will never follow the typical milestone and life trajectories -- that all of it, the typical standards and the typical wanting, the typical shaming of not attaining it -- it's all just made up, just echoes and influences.

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I’m in the exact same boat as you. I know what to expect when I’m around familiar people so I know what boundaries are there. But when I’m around unfamiliar people, it’s hard for me to toe the line between what social acts are safe and what aren’t, and how to get my social needs satisfied in the same go. That being said, my “social anxiety” manifests itself far worse in real life than online. I can barely speak to strangers IRL.

I majorly do. This stems from childhood, always getting in trouble for doing or saying something " wrong". So even at 44 I am always 2nd guessing myself.

With people, I can be selective in whom I talk to. I have a couple of extended family members that I clam up around and, in the workplace, well that's a minefield all in its own. " Do? Don't? Ask? Should I? What if?" .

I'm apparently good enough at making conversation that both my therapist and my boyfriend don't think that I have social awkwardness or difficulty, but they don't know how hard I'm working at appearing normal and pleasant. I have certain topics and phrases that I know are safe go-tos that I can use whenever I need to think of something to say, but even when I am with my boyfriend I'm always worried about what I'm going to say next and always thinking of something to say. With strangers, even Lyft drivers, I'm always worried that I will say something to offend them, and people do get offended quite easily. (One time someone was asking where I was from and I asked him where he was from, which is a normal go-to exchange, and then when he said where he was from he was offended because I didn't reply enthusiastically, like, wow, that is such a great place to be from. It just didn't occur to me at the time. Now I try to be excessively positive, even though it feels stupid.)

Copy/paste from my roleplay blog on tumblr

// also ooc post but people kinda gatekeeping mental disorders is what kept me from even seeking a legitimate diagnosis for so long

I suspected I had ADHD as early as age 23 (I just wanted an explanation for why I suck so hard at life) but everyone discouraging people from trying to understand mental disorders or thinking they may have one had me so thoroughly terrified that even under professional treatment I would be talking to the psychiatrist SOBBING and asking is it really okay for me to seek treatment, what if I'm faking it all, etc

That's why it took me until last year to accept any of my actual diagnosed conditions.

Granted.... this is a feature of both my autism and OCD I think. I've developed pretty bad anxiety from living with the social aspect of autism all my life. I need rules. I need clarity. And if people express disapproval of a thing.... I am going to stress over it endlessly. (Which then becomes OCD as OCD is..... kinda a structured sort of anxiety. It's obsessive anxiety. It's "I'm going to figure this out" anxiety but with endless doubts and searching until there's nothing left of your soul.)