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18 Oct 2024, 1:09 pm
18 Oct 2024, 1:19 pm
18 Oct 2024, 2:30 pm
18 Oct 2024, 3:03 pm
18 Oct 2024, 3:21 pm
i must apologize to OP...the first thing i thought when i saw your avatar was "proud"...and tears came to my eyes but i stopped cuz men cry silently...sad or happy...or so i was told...sorry for ruining your thread...this will be my last post in this thread...btw, i skimmed through your first post yesterday and the similarities between you and me are a bit uncanny 
18 Oct 2024, 5:57 pm
Sure. Definately when I was younger.
Though it helped way less when knowing that my mom reads my stuff. 
And then I thought things don't occur for me, and that things can happen when I want to.
And the reason why I don't have a lot of good entries because my mind spews too much of my guilty pleasures and refuse to write it.
Said guilty pleasure is actually maladaptive daydreaming. Invasive enough to interfere learning well from the real world.
Then I hit puberty.
Already got too much emotions and too much thoughts. Yet I never written all about it because of my sheer distrust over my parents.
Went through the phases of being overly self conscious, burnout through sheer dysregulation by the time I became a teenager...
While burning out, it warranted to my diagnosis and bad enough that I quit school.
I'm a little too aware of my existence, and nothing much about everyone else.
I'm aware that I'm constantly overwhelmed for seemingly no reason. I'm also aware that it's not conscious or voluntary.
Many would assume it's because one is being autistic, and some would panic and realize their differences in a negative light, all that internalizations.
But I have the power to question that when there are too many cases that are so hypervigilant over everything outside of themselves, when I don't feel true loneliness and longing for the ideas of relationships yet still feel like crap.
I questioned the reasoning why I did not ended up like the types of autistics that work their way up to mask themselves.
Turns out that I don't experience the same anxieties, that I don't have the same motives or fears, nor am persuaded the same stuff in childhood.
Only started to realize how to release my emotions through writing only 5+ years ago or so when I finally have my own room for the first time.
I knew I have a lot to process, unlearn, relearn...
And I did. I practically spent my 20s undoing the crap that has been happening to me so far.
Still in progress.
I'm still reckless, but aware and not giving a damn because of not knowing where my life is going so far.
Ultimately, yes I can relate.
I've realized it when I was 6. But I'm truly asocial that I really do not care; realizing I don't feel loneliness, disconnect or unsafely for being different.
Went through the phrases of apathy and caring, it's very much just swinging pendulums.
Bad enough to be so sick of myself.
But that didn't help because I'm very dysregulated from the very start.
No one knew what to do with me, I didn't knew what to do with me.
And because no one knew what to do with me, I did took the matters with my own hands as soon as I got an official assessment.
21 Oct 2024, 11:58 am
FineLine wrote:
twinklelight wrote:
FineLine wrote:
if you're really in Turkey...be careful...are you crazy?
I was reckless and not exactly aware of the threat. Now I'm scaring to go out and meet someone new.
then use the same internet you're using now to meet others...ill do the same as you as soon as i leave this ward
I think dating apps are the only way to meet someone here. But gay people in Turkey are not my type and.. they're just problematic. I don't like people here, to be honest. I just want to escape asap
and you didn't ruin my thread, please check out your pm
Gentleman Argentum
Veteran
Joined: 24 Aug 2019
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 826
Location: State of Euphoria
27 Oct 2024, 6:00 pm
twinklelight wrote:
Hi, I wanted to share something that's been worrying me a lot. I recently found my old diaries from the year when I first realized I was gay, had my first crush and preparing to high-school exam. At the time, word spread quickly, as people love gossip, and it was such a small district where everyone knew each other. People were homophobic, and I faced a lot of bullying because of it and here how I feel on that now,
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
You are too close to the high school years, it is still raw and painful, you still have feelings about the people involved. That is why it worries you. Time heals all wounds. Also, you should put the diaries aside. Keep them for when you are an old man. You will enjoy them better then, trust me. When you are an old man, you will have forgiven yourself, and accepted yourself for who you are. Young people are extremely judgemental and critical about themselves and beat themselves up all the time for the slightest little thing. Not that I ever did that.
29 Oct 2024, 12:07 pm
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
twinklelight wrote:
Hi, I wanted to share something that's been worrying me a lot. I recently found my old diaries from the year when I first realized I was gay, had my first crush and preparing to high-school exam. At the time, word spread quickly, as people love gossip, and it was such a small district where everyone knew each other. People were homophobic, and I faced a lot of bullying because of it and here how I feel on that now,
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
You are too close to the high school years, it is still raw and painful, you still have feelings about the people involved. That is why it worries you. Time heals all wounds. Also, you should put the diaries aside. Keep them for when you are an old man. You will enjoy them better then, trust me. When you are an old man, you will have forgiven yourself, and accepted yourself for who you are. Young people are extremely judgemental and critical about themselves and beat themselves up all the time for the slightest little thing. Not that I ever did that.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. It has been a while since middle school, - still painful - but recently, discovering autism as part of my story has helped me make sense of a lot from those years. I’m hoping that understanding more now will let me start being kinder to myself without waiting until I am an old man
29 Oct 2024, 12:28 pm
Edna3362 wrote:
Sure. Definately when I was younger.
Though it helped way less when knowing that my mom reads my stuff.
And then I thought things don't occur for me, and that things can happen when I want to.
And the reason why I don't have a lot of good entries because my mind spews too much of my guilty pleasures and refuse to write it.
Said guilty pleasure is actually maladaptive daydreaming. Invasive enough to interfere learning well from the real world.
Then I hit puberty.
Already got too much emotions and too much thoughts. Yet I never written all about it because of my sheer distrust over my parents.
Went through the phases of being overly self conscious, burnout through sheer dysregulation by the time I became a teenager...
While burning out, it warranted to my diagnosis and bad enough that I quit school.
I'm a little too aware of my existence, and nothing much about everyone else.
I'm aware that I'm constantly overwhelmed for seemingly no reason. I'm also aware that it's not conscious or voluntary.
Many would assume it's because one is being autistic, and some would panic and realize their differences in a negative light, all that internalizations.
But I have the power to question that when there are too many cases that are so hypervigilant over everything outside of themselves, when I don't feel true loneliness and longing for the ideas of relationships yet still feel like crap.
I questioned the reasoning why I did not ended up like the types of autistics that work their way up to mask themselves.
Turns out that I don't experience the same anxieties, that I don't have the same motives or fears, nor am persuaded the same stuff in childhood.
Only started to realize how to release my emotions through writing only 5+ years ago or so when I finally have my own room for the first time.
I knew I have a lot to process, unlearn, relearn...
And I did. I practically spent my 20s undoing the crap that has been happening to me so far.
Still in progress.
I'm still reckless, but aware and not giving a damn because of not knowing where my life is going so far.
Ultimately, yes I can relate.
I've realized it when I was 6. But I'm truly asocial that I really do not care; realizing I don't feel loneliness, disconnect or unsafely for being different.
Went through the phrases of apathy and caring, it's very much just swinging pendulums.
Bad enough to be so sick of myself.
But that didn't help because I'm very dysregulated from the very start.
No one knew what to do with me, I didn't knew what to do with me.
And because no one knew what to do with me, I did took the matters with my own hands as soon as I got an official assessment.
Though it helped way less when knowing that my mom reads my stuff.
And then I thought things don't occur for me, and that things can happen when I want to.
And the reason why I don't have a lot of good entries because my mind spews too much of my guilty pleasures and refuse to write it.
Said guilty pleasure is actually maladaptive daydreaming. Invasive enough to interfere learning well from the real world.
Then I hit puberty.
Already got too much emotions and too much thoughts. Yet I never written all about it because of my sheer distrust over my parents.
Went through the phases of being overly self conscious, burnout through sheer dysregulation by the time I became a teenager...
While burning out, it warranted to my diagnosis and bad enough that I quit school.
I'm a little too aware of my existence, and nothing much about everyone else.
I'm aware that I'm constantly overwhelmed for seemingly no reason. I'm also aware that it's not conscious or voluntary.
Many would assume it's because one is being autistic, and some would panic and realize their differences in a negative light, all that internalizations.
But I have the power to question that when there are too many cases that are so hypervigilant over everything outside of themselves, when I don't feel true loneliness and longing for the ideas of relationships yet still feel like crap.
I questioned the reasoning why I did not ended up like the types of autistics that work their way up to mask themselves.
Turns out that I don't experience the same anxieties, that I don't have the same motives or fears, nor am persuaded the same stuff in childhood.
Only started to realize how to release my emotions through writing only 5+ years ago or so when I finally have my own room for the first time.
I knew I have a lot to process, unlearn, relearn...
And I did. I practically spent my 20s undoing the crap that has been happening to me so far.
Still in progress.
I'm still reckless, but aware and not giving a damn because of not knowing where my life is going so far.
Ultimately, yes I can relate.
I've realized it when I was 6. But I'm truly asocial that I really do not care; realizing I don't feel loneliness, disconnect or unsafely for being different.
Went through the phrases of apathy and caring, it's very much just swinging pendulums.
Bad enough to be so sick of myself.
But that didn't help because I'm very dysregulated from the very start.
No one knew what to do with me, I didn't knew what to do with me.
And because no one knew what to do with me, I did took the matters with my own hands as soon as I got an official assessment.
Thanks for sharing this—your journey and reflections really resonate with me. It’s powerful that you’ve taken control of your own growth, especially when others didn’t know how to help.
I’m also just starting to find some clarity with an autism diagnosis, and I can relate to the feelings of dysregulation and not always fitting into expected norms or feeling the same anxieties. It sounds like writing has been healing for you over time; I'm hoping I can get there too. I feel similar in a lot of ways. Like you, I’m not trying to mask myself, and I’m open about it, like when I came out as gay—it’s just a part of who I am. I do long for relationships and friendships, but at the same time, it’s like I don’t, or at least not in a way that fully satisfies me. Even when I think about being with others or getting closer, something still feels unsatisfied deep down. It’s like there's this gap that relationships alone can’t fill. I know I want connection, but I feel like I also need something beyond that, something that goes deeper.
Gentleman Argentum
Veteran
Joined: 24 Aug 2019
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 826
Location: State of Euphoria
30 Oct 2024, 6:17 am
twinklelight wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
twinklelight wrote:
Hi, I wanted to share something that's been worrying me a lot. I recently found my old diaries from the year when I first realized I was gay, had my first crush and preparing to high-school exam. At the time, word spread quickly, as people love gossip, and it was such a small district where everyone knew each other. People were homophobic, and I faced a lot of bullying because of it and here how I feel on that now,
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
You are too close to the high school years, it is still raw and painful, you still have feelings about the people involved. That is why it worries you. Time heals all wounds. Also, you should put the diaries aside. Keep them for when you are an old man. You will enjoy them better then, trust me. When you are an old man, you will have forgiven yourself, and accepted yourself for who you are. Young people are extremely judgemental and critical about themselves and beat themselves up all the time for the slightest little thing. Not that I ever did that.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. It has been a while since middle school, - still painful - but recently, discovering autism as part of my story has helped me make sense of a lot from those years. I’m hoping that understanding more now will let me start being kinder to myself without waiting until I am an old man
You are welcome, I hope for the best. I just remember being self-critical at a young age, that is for the birds, let me tell you.
It is highly unusual to post a photograph as an avatar online, and especially on this site. The thought that occurs to me is you want to make a friend in the West and escape as you write above. I think that you will not have too much difficulty in accomplishing your objective given your facility in English, your preference and your photo, ha ha.
It even occurred to me that you could be a Russian agent but then I settled back down to earth and realized that Russian agents have no difficulty getting into the U.S. at any time, we are as open as Swiss cheese. They would not waste time on an online forum, there would be no advantage or at least I fail to see one.
Good luck!
01 Nov 2024, 9:25 am
twinklelight wrote:
Hi, I wanted to share something that's been worrying me a lot. I recently found my old diaries from the year when I first realized I was gay, had my first crush and preparing to high-school exam. At the time, word spread quickly, as people love gossip, and it was such a small district where everyone knew each other. People were homophobic, and I faced a lot of bullying because of it and here how I feel on that now,
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
wow that was me with my friend rai (expect he didn't like I had autism) *what a jerk* lol
*edit: he/rai sucked if you couldn't tell*
03 Nov 2024, 3:00 pm
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
You are welcome, I hope for the best. I just remember being self-critical at a young age, that is for the birds, let me tell you.
It is highly unusual to post a photograph as an avatar online, and especially on this site. The thought that occurs to me is you want to make a friend in the West and escape as you write above. I think that you will not have too much difficulty in accomplishing your objective given your facility in English, your preference and your photo, ha ha.
It even occurred to me that you could be a Russian agent but then I settled back down to earth and realized that Russian agents have no difficulty getting into the U.S. at any time, we are as open as Swiss cheese. They would not waste time on an online forum, there would be no advantage or at least I fail to see one.
Good luck!
It is highly unusual to post a photograph as an avatar online, and especially on this site. The thought that occurs to me is you want to make a friend in the West and escape as you write above. I think that you will not have too much difficulty in accomplishing your objective given your facility in English, your preference and your photo, ha ha.
It even occurred to me that you could be a Russian agent but then I settled back down to earth and realized that Russian agents have no difficulty getting into the U.S. at any time, we are as open as Swiss cheese. They would not waste time on an online forum, there would be no advantage or at least I fail to see one.
Good luck!
I’ve never really worried about revealing myself, I guess I’m a bit of an open book sometimes! I think there's something authentic about connecting openly, even if it's a bit unusual here. And yes, I hope to make some friends in the West.
As for being a spy, definitely not ahah
Just someone hoping for real connections and finding out myself. And best wishes to you too!
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