Cat issues....

Post Reply New Topic

DD has a 6yo cat named Angel. Suffice it to say, the poor thing is absolutely terrified of her. Before we got her on the current regimen of medication, she was monstrous to deal with. Her elementary school has her on record as being the number one with the most demerits ever.

During that time frame, she basically tortured the cat. Now, she does not, but of course the cat does not want anything to do with her. However, DD does not take no for an answer. She holds out her hand, and when the cat turns away, she attempts to grab and hold, with the end result being the cat runs away. When she does capture her, you can see the terror in the poor things eyes. DD has basically beat it into submission, and now it just waits for her to let her go. It's almost like she wants love from the one creature in the whole house that really can't give it to her due to it's makeup (and what she has done to it in the past).

Enter my cat, Cassie. Cassie is a Ragdoll, and is probably more like a dog than anything else. She demands attention, and we readily give it. However, DD does not want it from her, only Angel, because it is "her" cat. I think it is because she tried the same behaviour with Cassie, but Cassie does not submit, she has and will fight back.

We have instructed her many x10 to the nth power on how to treat the cats, how you cannot go chasing after them, how after being tortured for so long, that it will take time with Angel to come to her. It's like talking to a blank and soundproofed wall. At bedtime, she will give me a hug and kiss, and then go after the cat before she even thinks of her father. I have continually put a stop to this, telling her that that is clearly unacceptable behaviour.

But what to do over this cat issue? It's really getting ridiculous and embarrassing to say the least.

This will not resolve itself. The cat's seeming rejection of your DD is the trigger. Angel needs a new home, fast.

This will be difficult, if not impossible to do. I have broached the subject before, with both DD and DH against it. The cat does know where safe harbor is, and that is our bedroom. DD will not enter, even if we are not there. And when we ARE there, the cat comes out to visit, and DD can pet her sometimes. Her OCD has calmed down somewhat, to the point where she no longer pursues the cat like she used to, even if the cat runs away. I think it's frustration on DDs part. Even though we are guiding her, she just wants, and be damned what anyone says. She thinks that when the cat decides that she would like to be petted, well then everything must be forgiven. But of course that is not so.

This is not helped at all by her mother having cats of her own and DD coming home with scratches and wondering why the cats don't like her!

Claradoon is absolutely right The poor cat needs to go to someone else's house. Even a no-kill shelter would be better than the current situation - nothing against little DD, I'm sure she's doing the best she knows how.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but I don't see what the issue is. Your child is not in a place where she should have a pet, that seems obvious. You have a responsibility as a parent and as the owner of the cat to do what is best for both of them regardless of how your child feels about it.

Find the cat a new home and talk to your child's doctor about how to fill the void in DD's life. Perhaps this is a lesson she needs to learn - that her behavior has a direct effect on how other people and animals respond to her.

Angel is likely under constant stress because of the fear of your daughter, unable to wander the house freely. It is cruel for you to keep her in your house. Find her a new home. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but this cat will never be happy as long as she remains in your house.

See, that's the problem. I haven't been in their lives for that long (3yrs). DD is not mine, and I only moved in two years ago. So trying to uproot something that's been in place for so long will be difficult to do.

I am going to suggest this to DH again. After that, there is not much more I can do, barring getting rid of the cat while no one is there and not telling anyone, which would probably ruin my relationship as well.

Your DD's opinion really shouldn't be relevant here - she's a kid, and really doesn't have the necessary perspective to make the right decision. I think it's your husband that you need to convince. I think if you start talking in terms of the situation being an unnecessary stressor on the cat, you can perhaps make more headway.

1) If a child is mistreating an animal, the child needs serious discipline. Talking to her is obviously not working. Bring out the heavy guns. Aspie/Autie or not, she needs to have serious cause-and-effect consequences for mistreating an animal. Period.

2) If you are not able to control your child to that extent, you, as the parent/adult, are responsible for the animal abuse.

3) If she behaves in an appropriate manner towards the cat, over time the cat will begin to respond appropriately (unless it's been seriously mistreated). You will have to work with your child to understand what she's done to this creature and how she will have to work hard to undo what she did. And that it may take a long time. Your child needs to understand that she caused this issue, and she will need to be the one to help "fix" it. If the cat has been so seriously traumatized that she does not rehabilitate in a year with the appropriate behaviors, rehome the cat.

4) Your child will survive without an animal in his/her life. Many children grow up without animal companions. If your child is not able to properly behave with the cat, rehome the cat. If the child questions why the animal is gone, be very straightforward - "You are not able to properly behave with the cat, and we have a responsibility to the cat to treat it decently. Therefore, the cat must leave."

Sorry, but there is no excuse for allowing the continued mistreatment of an animal.

Have you considered that her fixation on Angel might be due to remorse over her previous mistreatment of the cat and she desires its forgiveness and acceptance?

Taking away the cat in that situation would be the worst thing you could do.

Well, let me see if I can more clearly explain.

She no longer mistreats the cat badly. She understands very well that she is the cause of the problem. What is now happening is that she is wanting (VERY badly) to express to the cat that she does indeed feel bad for what transpired before. To that end, she is able to withhold herself from going after the cat (although not all the time). Every time she does this and we catch her doing so, we remind her yet again that she has once again set back the clock for getting the cat to trust her.

The cat has come to her. I have seen her do so. But she can't just pet the cat and then let go. She has to hold it and smother it (think the big red monster in Looney Tunes). During the day, she is so absorbed in the Internet, or reading her manga, that the cat is put on the back burner, so it is not a problem. When we come home, the cat comes out to see us, and thus is brought back into play.

am was a lot like that,am did not understand that animals were different from am so that tail pulling etc would not hurt because am did not feel pain,eg,a theory of mind issue.
it sounds like she could have the same problem.

she needs to hear examples about how it could affect her,so that she can relate to what is happening.
like for instance,do not hurt the cat as she would not want to be in pain all day either.
or do not chase the cat,because she would not like to be chased and hurt by people far bigger than herself.

angel needs to be given a new home as it is likely to be affecting her mental health,cats can get depression,OCD etc from these sorts of problems.

I wouldn't worry too much about it.. she's still learning and will eventually understand that the cat probably doesn't want to be held and as long as shes not physically hurting it a bit of smothering isn't much to have to bear and shouldn't be overly detrimental to her efforts of (re)gaining the critters trust.

If anything it might be helpful. After all the more the child interacts with and touches the cat the faster the cat will learn that shes no longer a threat and it should calm down.

[edit] Oh and don't mind the people who misunderstood.. autistics tend to be overprotective of animals.. some of us quite zealously so.

If DD is actually learning not to constantly chase the animal, then this wont always be a problem. If the animal has a safe haven (your bedroom I believe) then it is not under constant stress.

Currently we have 5 cats. (3 adult, 2 kittens.). Two of the adults previously belonged to former housemates, who werent exactly top-notch at pet care. One of those two is basically a piece of threadbare carpet with learning disabilities, and monstrously skittish and nervous. Thi seems to be partly because of rough handling on the part of the owner (not completely unlike DD) and partly on natural size and territorial behaviour. Recently it spends most of its time happily crashed out in the now vacated spare bedroom, where it remains unmolested by anyone, and as such, is starting to regain weight, and has even ventured into our room in the middle of the night for affection. Thus cats choose their own loyalties, but can also be remarkably forgiving and durable.

Given enough time without being Elmira'd (Warner Bros Tiny Toons) your cat will most likely be perfectly fine with DD, and will eventually offer up affection on her terms. Just got to keep up with persuading her to not "hug it and squeeze it and love it" etc.

There are a couple of different dynamics going on here.

First, as the step-mother, you don't have final say. I know that has to be difficult for you. My husband is in the same boat as you in this regard and knows these frustrations first hand. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it is up to your husband to make the decision of what to do with Angel. Wedging yourself into the middle of this issue when both DD and your husband disagree with you is only going to cause resentment and hurt feelings.

Second, I agree with Fraya, here. I believe that DD is looking for forgiveness from Angel and that Angel just isn't as forthcoming as DD would like. By picking Angel up and hugging her too much, DD is trying to force Angel to forgive her, but, of course, we all know that isn't going to work. DD is looking for some outward acknowledgement from Angel that all is forgiven and that Angel loves DD. I don't know what DD's age is, but here is what I suggest. As long as the cat is no longer in any danger, only allow DD to spend time with Angel while you or your husband can supervise her. Remind her, every time if necessary, that we (including you and your husband by example) do not pick up Angel. Tell her that this is what the vet recommends. Let Angel come to DD and then only allow her to let Angel sniff her. If, after sniffing her, Angel stays near, then let DD scratch her under the chin or behind the ears, but that's it. Tell DD that that is Angel's most favorite spot in the world and that when she starts purring then that is Angel's way of saying "I love you, too." Tell DD that it may take a while for Angel to trust her enough to purr, but that if DD treats Angel this way, Angel will eventually begin to trust her again. Also, have DD fill Angel's food and water dishes. Even if Angel doesn't see DD do this, she will know from DD's scent.

Lastly, I don't recommend getting rid of Angel when no one is watching. That is deceitful and can only hurt your relationships with the people you love.

My oldest kitty is very skittish around people and other animals. I rescued her when she was 8 months old, and to be honest she only really trusts me. My son has not always been gentle with her, and she would always run away when she saw him coming. He was never mean to her, but he would try to hold her too long or hug her too tight, and she has never been that docile. However, in the last couple of years, that has been changing. When J started letting her come to him, and when he would let her sniff him and then only gently scratch her under her chin, she began to trust him more. It has taken a long time to earn this trust. (Dogs are so much more forgiving than cats). In the last six months or so, she might even lay on his bed in the morning when he is waking up. He understands that she is trying really hard to trust him now, and he is immensely grateful for it.

Oh, you guys have her to a T! She is 15yo, by the way. So I think I may run into stubborn teenager as well, however I will give it a shot! Thank you!