I am so disgusted with myself

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I ran into one of my bullies today at a place that is important for me to go to on a regular basis, he is the general manager there. Unfortunately there is no other place where I can go to get these needs met for my physical disability. And before anyone says I should complain to his superior, I already have and they just supported him and shot me down. So I just have to be careful when I am there. I am disgusted though because I do not have the ability to recognize most people. My facial recognition is very weak. So when I ran into him, I had absolutely no idea who he was. So I was extremely nice to him and we had a lovely conversation. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I was talking to someone who has basically tortured me in the past and has threatened to do it again.

Unfortunately, my inability to recognize people is part of my genetic makeup. And there is not one single person on this planet that is willing to help protect me with things that I am so vulnerable to like not being able to recognize predators and people who have hurt me significantly. It terrifies me that I have to be this vulnerable to them. I cannot shake the feeling of horror and disgust that I am feeling right now.

That sounds really difficult.
Would you like them to wake up next to a pigs head?

LOL!! ! You just made my day!!

It is really difficult. It's actually terrifying because I usually rarely know whom I am actually talking to at any given moment.

Is it possible that your most recent interaction with his is closer to what normal interactions with him are like for most people and that your previous hostile interactions were an anomaly?

It would seem like being able to get along with him and build rapport is a useful skill, not something to be ashamed of. I'd try to continue building a positive relationship with this person who gatekeeps something you need, although I would also not lose sight of how the previous interactions went as well.

I don't see how it would be better to not get along professionally with him.

The reason is that he assaulted and battered me and injured me pretty significantly and then protected himself in front of his company by making it sound like I attacked him. It was not possible for me to attack him because I was catatonic at the time. He also threatened me severely after the event as well. So I know that this guy is capable of really hurting me if he wants to and there is nothing I can do about it and he knows it. He has taken advantage of that many times. After the assault I called every lawyer and disability rights group I could find and not a single person was willing to help me. He knows that no one will ever help me so he knows that he can get away with anything he wants to do to me. So it's not safe for me to build any kind of relationship with him.

The problem is that if he gatekeeps something you need access to, you're obliged by that fact to have a relationship with him (unless you're able to remove him from that position).

Basically, because it's not an option to not have any relationship with him it's in your interest to get along with him as well as you can. The fact that he can and has hurt you can't be ignored, but what other option exists?

Since fight and flight are both unavailable as options, trying to get along with him to the extent you're capable of is the only real remaining option.