Always End Up Feeling Crap On My Birthday

Post Reply New Topic

I don't know if this has anything to do with AS or not, but I feel the need to vent. My NT relatives and friends always put a huge amount of emphasis on birthdays, along the lines of 'going out for dinner' or 'having a party'. They learned many years ago that I don't like to do either of these things...but they haven't managed to get their heads around the idea that I'd like to do other things...things that interest ME since it's my birthday. It's almost like because I don't want to do the NT things it's assumed it's not important for me at all, and it doesn't matter if it isn't marked in a nice way.

For instance, this year, all I wanted to do was take the dog for a walk, and then have everyone (my immediate family) sit and watch The Lion King with me, and then have a take-out in the evening. It's taken an hour and a half to even get anyone to sit down and stay put for any length of time, and I'm now frustrated to the point where I said forget it, I'll watch it in my room, because for me, it's not enjoyable if everyone is getting up every ten minutes to do something else (all stuff that can wait - washing up, washing clothes, whatever) and they clearly don't want to watch the movie in the first place, and can't even muster up the enthusiasm to pretend to, yet when I said I'd watch it on my own (thinking I was doing everyone a favour) I was told to grow the hell up. Which of course makes me feel great. Not.

It's all been compounded by one of my siblings yet again failing to send my card so it arrives on time (and this year it's a 'big' birthday); my best friend, despite discussing with me a few times over the last month when my birthday is, ordering my gifts only two days before my birthday and then telling me she wasn't sure they would arrive on time and it wasn't her fault it was the post etc; my family thinking household chores are far more important than going along with anything I want to do; and me knowing I have spent the last six months planning a massive surprise for my mother's 70th birthday, trying to make every detail how she'd love it (all stuff I actively struggle with, but I am doing because I know she will love it), and yet on my big day there's not even the question of 'would you like to go to visit some bookstores/a museum/anything I'd like to actually do.'

Am I being selfish? It is just a birthday after all, but everyone has constantly said how it's a 'big' birthday and 'oh so exciting' and now it's actually here nobody is willing to do anything to try and make it in the least bit special. To me it's kind of a contradiction, but nobody sees it that way. I'm just the selfish one, acting like a kid because I'm not getting my own way.

Anyone else ever end up feeling like crap on their birthday because nobody ever makes the effort because your wishes don't fall under their umbrella heading of 'normal'?

Sorry for the rant!

You're not being selfish, you're being different. NT's don't seem to understand different and it drives me insane(er) sometimes. I'd advise that you put your foot down, it's your birthday and you should spend it how you like to, and by that I mean tell your friends "no, I hate eating out, I hate parties and I hate social affairs. Now get over here and watch some timeless animation with greasy Chinese food!" It's how I stopped my parents from throwing insufferable birthday parties with 15+ screaming NT children who didn't want to be there(I spend my birthdays by myself now so forgive the old example). anyway...come to think of it I rest my case.

It's strange, I've never actually thought about it, but I can identify with everything you're saying there.

I guess the 'nice' bit is that you say it's a 'big' birthday for you at the moment, so I guess that you can't be many birthdays away from completely choosing what you want to do and who you want to do it with. With any luck you can meet some people with similar interests, potentially even NTs, who will want to do the same sort of thing as you.

When you don't need to live with your parents any more and you have a day out to a museum or something (which I must say sounds fun!), with people with the same interests, you'll probably find it is nice to do something special for your birthday.

Happy Birthday!

I do, but more so because I get the feeling that I'm getting older with nothing accomplished. Almost kind of like Garfield.

This past birthday has been the first in a few years I haven't had to work, so that was a big thing for me. I'd always taken lazy days for granted before that. Being able to sleep in and just go about it as any other normal day was great, except of course ordering a pizza and having cake, gifts, etc. Just so happens that a movie I want to see or a video game I want tend to fall around the time of my birthday, so I usually get to see/get either. Harry Potter's done, though, unfortunately.

I'd say that there's a lack of communication, so far as I can tell. You can't really get much done unless you ask specifically. I wouldn't call you selfish, but maybe you could better convince those around you how important these things you want to do are.

Yeah, you're not being selfish. This is your day and if you want to spend it quietly, then that is your decision to make.

From your NT relatives' perspective, they probably don't understand this, especially if they're extroverts. They may think of your birthday as a time to express their friendship and love toward you, and be puzzled or confused if you reject the offer of a big party.

There may be a compromise. Maybe you could explain to them that you want to use your birthday as a time to relax, and don't really like parties or going out to dinner, but you love getting birthday cards and phone calls. That would probably be something you could handle without overload (if not, find something that is OK). You could also have your closest relatives come over for coffee and a chat--a very small get-together. Explain to your family that you want to spend your birthday hanging out with your parents or your significant other--choose someone who is very close to you, and whom everyone recognizes as being very close to you. Then do that, hang out with that one or two people, so that you can show them that you recognize their need to show you that they love you, as well as fulfill your own need to spend the day in a relaxing way.

Hopefully you find a compromise. I can definitely empathize; until I moved away from home, my birthdays were often the cause for celebration (and in the case of my mom, badly-baked cakes... it's the thought that counts, but let's face it, my mom can't cook). I wanted to spend them at the library, or tinkering with my latest computer program; but that wasn't my family's plan, and they couldn't understand that.

I've learned that NT brains have the need to connect just like our brains have the need to collect information, focus intensely, and specialize. To live together, we have to find ways to connect with each other that will fulfill both sets of needs without hurting anybody.

I have been dissappointed by my birthday for as long as I can remember, so about 8 years ago I changed my thinking. Now on my birthday I plan something for my family so they feel good about it. My birthday is midsummer so I have started a tradition where I set up an icecream buffet with fruit, toppings etc. and everybody comes over. That way it's all over and done with quickly.

Happy birthday, I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling bad.

i hate my birthday too. luckily the older you get the more you seem to get away with doing nothing for it