"I love you" and similar discomforters

Post Reply New Topic

I feel uncomfortable when someone says, "I love you," to me. In my head, I immediately think, "No you don't." I know this because within the next few months, I'm going to inadvertently do something that upsets them, and they're going to get upset as hell with me instead of being understanding or open to discussion. Same thing happens with people saying something like, "It's great to see you," and "I had such a great time," but to a much lesser extent. In my head, they don't mean it, so what it does is prompt a response from me thinking, "Oh, it's time to be fake ig." Here's a list that does the same. Please contribute as you'd like.

- We're a family
- I've missed you (so much)
- We really need to [do an event together] some time
- That's great!

I think the thing is that it seems fake. When I think of "great", I think of marvel. Seeing me isn't a marvel. It's enjoyably interesting at best, but probably amusing or mildly pleasing. I think in retrospective analysis considering my difficulty reading intentions, it makes sense that some people would pick up on my deficiency and try to accommodate it by exaggerating so that their sentiment registers, so that makes sense and it's good to be aware of. However, it does make me suspicious if they're being helpful or manipulative.

Any tips? Some people are being helpful and clear, but some people are not and I have trouble figuring out who is doing what.

Not a fan of statements like that either. Feels forced and weird.

Thank youuuuuuuu, both!

I think that they don't usually expect you to believe these things, to read much into their meanings, or to take them very literally. I think they're saying them as courtesies, honorifics, marks of respect, and gestures of goodwill. So I don't feel lied to exactly. It's just that they talk a different language. Sometimes it really is dishonest schmooze, like complimenting you on something they don't even like, but mostly I think people are just saying they like you.

I can't say those things much myself. With "I love you" I just expect the other person to know it already from my behaviour towards them. That's how I work - loving is as loving does, not as loving says. But I compromise a bit, and I can write it easier than I can say it.

Somebody from a traditional African culture got on my case once for not praising her ancestors. Apparently it's just what you do in some cultures, you tell them their ancestors were great people and it really wows them to hear it. I just couldn't do it because it felt so false. I didn't have a clue who her ancestors were (I don't think she did either), and I can't sing the praises of somebody I know nothing about.

I suppose I've got the opposite problem - like when it feels good to see somebody, when it's a comfort to have them around or whatever, and I don't think to tell them that. People do me a lot of good and I don't acknowledge it much. I like it when I remember to say. Well, sometimes I do. Other times I feel a bit embarrassed.