Is It Best to Let Go?

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My family is a disaster. I'm really thinking that ending contact with them might be the best thing for me.

Are you in therapy to deal with these issues? Because if you are, this seems like something worth discussing with your therapist.

I realize it seems to be the easiest/healthiest route to sever all contact with your parents, but I'm not convinced that it's the best option in most cases. And not just b/c they're "your parents." I agree that we're not obligated to love anyone just because they're related to us. But you have kids, and that makes it a little more complicated.

My mother severed contact with her parents when I was in my early 20's (though her relationship with them was always strained). It makes it awkward and difficult for my younger brother and me, because our grandparents have generally been good to us. Even if they weren't the best parents, they've been good grandparents, and my brother and I both want to have a relationship with them. My mom refers to them as "your grandparents" and my grandparents refer to her as "your mother" (even though they'd like to have more contact with her than vice versa).

People do change with time. That's not to say that your parents will ever act as you'd like them to, or that they can undo the pain they've already caused, but it's possible that they can become more civil with you, and that they might actually be decent grandparents. By severing contact, you are eliminating your kids' choice to know their grandparents. Shouldn't they be able to choose for themselves?

Then again, I know neither you nor your parents, so take whatever I say with that grain of salt.

It must be so painful that they treat your sister so much better than you.
Do you think it is because they saw you as different or because they have changed and the change came too late for you?

I walked away from my family years ago and it's one of the best steps I have ever taken. The fact that both my parents were weird probably gave me that initial 'push' and after that it was easy. My parents are now dead so the seperation is (probably) permanent.

Ed Almos

If the relationship is toxic and you feel that you will be better off...then yes, that would be the way to go.

I have severed ties off and on over the years. I spent many years without any contact with my mother and there are only 2 reasons I have contact with her these days...

1. I have teenaged brothers (and one day they will be free of her also, so it won't always be an issue)

2. She is playing a very good game of hiding her true identity from her current husband, so she is more tolerable these days (that poor man!).

Our contact, however, is limited and truly, on our own terms. She is still very toxic, only we don't allow her to affect us in that way, anymore.

That said, she still makes our heads spin

I, however, do have this incredible ability to cut all ties and not look back. Things like that do not affect me. It takes me a very long time to get to the point of no return, but once there, I am DONE!

Only you will know what is best and I think you already have your answer.

Best wishes.

I would do pros and cons and consider safety as a main priority.
We have severed ties with my mother in law because she's literally a threat. Subsequently we severed ties to an innocent nephew because he's the center of a family feud and we can't participate in it.
My father in law is very flakey and sentimental, which can bring a lot of problems. You can't count on him for anything. He can also say weird things and repeats stories incorrectly. If he wants to visit, that's fine but we won't go out of our way to see them or call. He can be a jerk, he'll not return calls but then wonder why we aren't calling him for holidays or sending cards. He didn't raise my husband and conveniently forgets the past.

my parents are whole other story. In some ways, they are more damaging to me because I internalized so much of the crap they did to me. I've tried to cut ties but something always brings me back and them too. My dad uninvited me to Xmas once for an imaginary offense.
My brother is resolved to treat them like crazy children and I guess I'm following his example. It can still leave us open to being hurt though.

Hi siuan,

I do not know what your situation actually is, but I can tell you that severing all contact, temporarily, or permanently, is one of your viable options.

I did it myself many years ago. I don't think I would have survived if I had not, let alone had a life.

My only regret is that I did not sever all contact far sooner (as was my gut feeling) and ensure that they never had a chance to be Grandparents (therin lies a VERY long, toxic horror story).

HOWEVER...

My parents are two totally different people to your parents, your situation may be completely different, so think it over, long and carefully.

From my own experience things have to be pretty bad before you even CONSIDER that option. It took years to get the family completely out of my life AS THOUGH THEY NEVER EXISTED...they pestered me every so often (I would get a card and a long manipulative letter at christmas and be shaking for days)...but it was worth it for me.

What you need to work out is if it will be worth it for you.

M

I don't know if it was my Asperger's that allowed me to do this, but after I realised that each and every memebr of my family was crazy and that they were the hostile, self-serving, destructive kind of crazy, I just disconnected from them.

I was never very close with them. I didn't see them often or rely on them for anything, so I just stopped thinking of them as family.

Of course, each person's situation is very different. You might have a strong attachment to your family. Me, I don't even have that strong an attachment to my mother.

My father who was an aspie but socialized and sweet but defenseless when he attracted bullying should have detached from his family but he was emotionally vulnerable to them. How many aspies are emotionally vulnerable? I am not emotionally vulnerable at all. I remember consciously choosing to care about my father when I was around 2 but with most people, I am trying to be decent to them but I don't feel an obligation that I have to like them and not caring about them means I really don't care about anyone's personal opinion or public opinion.