After diagnosis

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I have only recently become aware that I have AS (self-diagnosed but will aim for an official diagnosis). One effect was that I realised how I had been putting on an NT act all my life (and badly at that!). It seems as if I am now becoming more outwardly aspie. I would like to know if others experienced the same thing.

Not that I attempted an act, I was just never really the "norm"...

I have always been eccentric, free to be, artsy fartsy, social misfit, so my circle of people (for the most part) are as well:)

I once lived in a "Triplex Community" of friends I had maintained on and off (all friends are on and off friends, in my world) since high school and each of us had a similar circle of friends. But the general understanding throughout was that "we all had a social dysfunction of some kind", which is why we meshed so nicely

That said, since self diagnosis I have been known to openly discuss it and point out my blatant AS! (all things I didn't recognize, but were always very outwardly AS about me!)

might be because are accepting own traits more?

Difficult to say. Since I started seriously looking at AS, I think I've let myself be myself a little bit more, but also my wife in particular has been more sensitive to seeing those things which are AS in me, so it's not necessarily all that I'm not putting on such an act. Actually, it feels like in some ways, this is having a pretty negative effect on my life, so I'm intending to get back to concentrating more on how I'm acting, and being aware of when I'm being AS and trying not to be. My personal relationships are very valuable to me, and I'm worried that relaxing and not being more careful with my behavior is damaging them.

Yes! I'm not faking "normal" as much, I'm not lying to myself and everybody else, I'm not "sucking it up" and judging myself harshly for failing to be nt and life is sweeter.

It's a lot easier to be close to the people I really love when I'm not trying to hide. I was always awkward anyway, now I've dropped the pretentiousness I thought I needed to be "serious." I'm more peculiar but more fun to be around, even if I do talk too much sometimes!

People who don't know me might have been fooled before (and not thought I was "different" but just thought me a pompous bore)....now they know after 10 minutes conversation that something is "not right" about me but I'm happy and friendly and not stuck up (I still talk too much about my own interests, though I do try to remember to pause for breath, to ask questions, to at least try to keep my speeches reasonably short.......and it helps that I know enough to try) but the people who really know me, especially the amazing woman who loves me (and has started saying so and giving me hugs and kisses, I'm so so happy!) she knows I've lost my pretentions, she knows I really love her very soul and she trusts me as she never has before, and she was so right to wait for me to grow up and be myself.

she told me she loves me she told me i was the love of her life this morning and i was so happy, but she had to tell me this afternoon that she knows she is still a lesbian and she needs to be with a woman. (and no, she won't love me on the side, i would take that, i just want to be as close to her as i can) We are both so unhappy! i am glad I fell for her again, because i didn't even know i could fall in love again with anyone. it's never worked out with anyone and ive always wanted love more than anything. i felt so wonderful for a few days this week with her. we didn't have sex, just some cuddling, a few kisses. that afternoon with her was the happiest day of my life, aside from the birth of my daughter. (and even then my late wife was making me miserable) i feel like i understand a lot of things, i can give other people advice sometimes, i have a hopeful outlook, but i can't manage my own life. all i can do is make art sometimes.

i do go on, i don't give up hope, but i wish i could order up a miracle now. (and please, i dont want to hear from any christian people with fantasies about "curing" gay people. it's just what it is. i'm crying.

and i'm still me, i know ive gained a lot, im just so lonely, my dream has disappeared