To Date or Not To Date? A Conundrum.

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I am in a conundrum. I want to date and (eventually, anyway), find a girlfriend. However, having a girlfriend (or wife) cheat on me is one of my worst fears. It explains, partially, why I have never gone on a date.

You see, if a woman rejects my proposal for a date, it wouldn't be too bad but I would just perseverate over it for days or weeks. If she does say yes, the date could be a disaster. Of course, if the date goes well, there could be a relationship where I will become emotionally and psychologically attached. If she cheats, I would go into a rut for the next 10 years and be emotionally devastated beyond repair. However, if it fails but without cheating, I would also be crushed but would only need a couple of years to recover.

Of course, the relationship could be successful, too. But if she dies before me, I would be grief stricken and possibly never recover. Also, the odds are mathematically minuscule that a successful relationship blooms from the person one goes out with on a first date. Ergo, no matter what happens, I lose. Then again, the status quo is not exactly good either.

Anyone else in a similar predicament?

David,

All of life involves risk. Love is the riskiest thing of all. If you reach out and ask for a date, you risk rejection. If you ask and she accepts, you risk the date being a bomb. If the date goes well and you want to ask her out again, you still risk rejection. Sometimes, relationships go on for years and then one party decides to end it for whatever reason. The pain involved in being the rejected party is ENORMOUS. I have been there, done that. In one case, I was the one who ended it.

Sometimes, people die. The two closest relationships I have ever had in my life (including my spouse) have ended in the death of the other person. The pain and devastation (there is no other word that fits) were unbelievable and in each case; it took me literally YEARS to recover...and yet, you never fully recover. That loss becomes a part of who you are.

So, yes, reaching out and trying to establish relationships is a risky business. However, I would not give up even one second of the time I was with any of them. You have to learn to take the good with the bad. You know the old saying "You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince." Works for guys, too.

I have lived alone and "given up" on relationships after getting burned, but each time, I find living alone to be more unbearable than the risk of being hurt again. So, I try again. As someone once said "Life IS pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something." Seems to be true for me more often than not.

I don't think I will ever get married. I cannot imagine any man sticking around once I tell him I have Asperger's and a seizure disorder. My seizures are under complete control with medication, but some people think all epilepsy and autism are the same. I couldn't risk the ignorance of others.

It sounds like some of you have a bit excessive anxiety.

Obviously its an emotional thing for you. You'll recieve equal doses of pain either way. Look at it that way.

Also sounds like you have the wrong idea about beginning dating. In ones youth, one plays to practice. The games we play when young(or just inexperienced), are foundational skills for more serious pursuits later.

You need to do several things to dodge that perseveration.

An exit strategy. This is what your winning goal is. Anything else that happens is extra. Not to be considered deeply.

All you need for your first date is to end it with with a thought: "I did something new". Thats it. Thats victory. You dont and shouldnt expect a kiss(but who knows?).

If she felt the same way, chances are you will get a second date. If you can get that, do something ELSE new. Unless she wants to redo the first date!

If you can keep finding novel new things to do with her, She'll keep saying yes. Thats goal number 2. Five dates with one girl? Thats a victory.

clues:

If she says "I really like <noun>", then take note. Do something involving that.

Its really simple. If she thinks she always has fun with you around, she will always want you around.

If not, find a different girl.

If you have any idea on how to date at all, you're way ahead of me. I say you should go for it.

Everybody has that fear of being rejected or being cheated on. Its apart of life. You can't let your fears take you over like that though. Its very understandable to afraid of that, but not every woman is out there to cheat or reject your proposal. I know I was very afraid especially when I was in high school to be rejected especially after I got diagnosed I was terrified, I will never find a guy, because who would date an autistic. I was very surprised on, especially when I found my current boyfriend, whos all NT, he showed me that their are people out there, that do care and will work with you. You have to understand also rejection is apart of life, sometimes you have to get rejected to move on.

_________________
Being Normal Is Vastly Overrated

You seem to be stuck because of a common problem:

Paralysis By Analysis

If you sit there and examine in minute detail all the possible modes of failure of any possible action you will never get anywhere. For example, why fly abroad on a vacation when it's possible that two asteroids could collide, a fragment could head to earth, and it could knock your jet out of the sky*.

1) Take an action.
2) If (and only if) that action fails then examine why.
3) Modify your behavior.
4) Go to step #1

Ed Almos


* Did you know that more people are kicked to death by donkeys each year than die in aircraft accidents? Statistically flying is safer than walking.

gang

Life is scary. Damn scary. Women are scary.....to a point. Risks are everywhere you go, so you just have to grab the bull by the horns and hope for the best.
Just always be ready for when life attacks. Always be prepared.

I understand what you are saying. Maybe we are too analytic.. With that said, I would like to say "try" anyway. I know that it is not easy, believe me. I have had two relationships, which one of them is still going on. My first relationship lasted for 3 weeks and then I was alone for 7 years (not that I got crushed by the first one though..I just couldn't find someone to connect with in that way). Then I met my "husband" (we are not really married but it almost feels that way) and we have been together for 6 years now It haven't been easy and to be honest I tend to have the thoughts that it would be easier to live alone at times. That does not mean that I do not love him, that means that I need to be alone for a while *S*

I found my husband on internet, on a community. It was very innocent, we talked about our dogs then we realised that I lived at the same place as his parents. He introduced himself one of the time he was visiting them and we talked for 3 hours!!

I must also admit that if he had not be the driven one, we probably just would have talked over the net still...

My advice is to learn to know someone in your own pace. There are sure lots of bad apples on internet, but there also a lot of really nice people..the hard thing is to know which is which.. I also have a friend (a boy/man) that I have talked with over the net since 1996 *s* We have never met IRL but maybe we are going to do that soon With that man I talk about both deep things as depressions, anxiety, family and easy things as Star Trek..

I keep my fingers crossed that you find someone out there
/Anna

I share a similar predicament, but not so severe: -

I'm often thinking that, if I get into a relationship with girl I like, it will eventually fail and then... what? lol
I also get to thinking that her cheating is something possible but this is most likely paranoid delusion...
I also have funny pride in me... I find it hard to trust girls... I often feel bitter.

I often get caught up in the 'dog eat dog' thing and I'm thinking that because of my aspergers I have a heap of pressure on my shoulders and I got one epic task to achieve...

I need a psychological booster I think...

I feel for you buddy... sounds like a beast of a thing to go through. If you wanna talk about anything at all, pm me dude. *thumbsup*