Should I?

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So the AS specialist in Sheffield has sent me a questionnaire that I need a relative that has known me since I was a baby to fill out. Now, the only relative to be able to do that is my mother. From other posts I have made, you might have an idea how my mum is. If not, I'll summarise.

She doesn't think I have AS, or any form of autism, despite frequently mentioning random symptoms I have. She thinks they are just quirks in my personality. Every time I've mentioned getting this diagnosis, she's sneered at me.

Her belief in me not having it, from what I have picked up, is down to the opinion that I'm "simply not smart enough" to have it (implying she thinks it's a highly intelligent thing..) , nevertheless I have an IQ of at LEAST 130 and I'm being modest there, and I don't have any obsessions. Well I don't know what I'd call being on the computer/internet for 16 hours a day is, but I could make a pretty good guess.

She's already mocked my plans for opening a shop ("you don't have a degree".. since when did that stop anyone), and refuses to help, plus she is so against everything I do that I get severely depressed whenever I'm here.

So should I show her the questionnaire, bringing up the sore subject again, and trust her to fill it out honestly? I can't do it because it goes far back to early childhood. Plus I'd not trust my own self-diagnosis (which is partly why I want this DX in the first place).

I'm not sure. I had the same worries as you.

When trying to explain to my mother why I thought I had AS, she'd actually go as far as to deny saying things I knew she had said (example - she said that she used to worry about me as a child because I would not hold conversations like other children, and so she thought there might be something wrong with me).

However, after getting the opinions of some other people (she mentioned it to my GP before I myself had an appointment with him to ask for a referral, and he said that his son has AS and asked her some questions and said I should definitely see him) and reading some information she gradually started to become more open to the idea.

When I received questionnaires, we filled them in together. First of all she read through ten bullet points that advised that you should have all ten before seeking a diagnosis, and although I had had doubts about one or two points, she was very definite about all of the points fitting me (ironic, no?).

By filling the questionnaires in together, I felt that that way I would not exaggerate things and she would be less inclined to 'play them down'. Funnily enough, when I had to fill in my questionnaire, she would imply that I was far 'worse' in some areas than I myself felt I was. Which meant that, had I filled it in on my own, I would have 'underplayed' many of the answers, but as she was there to explain to me how my behaviour comes across, the questionnaire was better filled in.

Then at the assessment, the discussion was so well led by the psychologist that on leaving the room my mother was not only completely convinced of my AS, but she also had a far better understanding of it and so was more comfortable with the idea. In fact, just the other day I was explaining to her that I'd told a woman I have appointments with at Disabilty at university, that I'd rather any groups I was in for group work knew about my AS so as to make it possible for me to do group work, rather than going on as I have been with them disregarding things I've requested (such as notice of events, and texts/emails instead of phonecalls) adn then me having to drop out of the groups. My mother said, "There's nothing wrong with them knowing, there's nothing wrong with you." Previously she was slightly secretive incase people got the wrong impression and thought I was 'ret*d', but at times she's mentioned it being a shame there's not more awareness of AS and understanding of it!

Perhaps if you look at the information together you can guide each other to a true representation, like my mother and I did? And perhaps if your mother attends an assessment she may come around to the idea. I sat in with my parents, and they were very honest without even needing prompting by myself. I obviously cannot say whether your mother will develope a very selective memory when being questioned about your childhood, even if you're there listening and recognising where she may have altered the truth, so my suggestions may not be very practical.

LadyMacbeth,

WOW, if intelligence is the ONLY reason she can think of, maybe you DO have it! She should realize that. BTW I didn't say that to insult your intelligence, etc... I was just making a point.

It seems like, at times, parents underestimate the knowledge of their kids. You may not talk to her enough, your knowledge may be in areas she isn't interested in, or she may think big words or industry terms are just giberish.

I suspect the test has innocuous questions such as:

When did she start talking/reading?

Which benchmarks did she beat or meet?

Which did she miss?

What problems does she have with everyday tasks?

How did she do in school?

Friends?

etc....

If that IS what the test is about, make a copy of it, catch her on a good day, and just ask her to be reasonable. She MIGHT get new respect for you, and the diagnosis! If not, she SHOULD see it as a harmless task that could get you over this obsession(Again, I am trying to look at her as she may), and be HAPPY to do it.

BTW I know the problem. My mother is the only one also. She would probably be happy to fill it out, but her memory is hazy, etc... She is probably quite a bit older than your mother. And I can't trust her personality/diligence. When I got to thinking about it, I started asking questions myself. I also tried to find out what time things, that I remembered, occured, so I could better narrow down some things.

your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom. except my mom tells me that i have an "Addictive Personality". when i asked what the hell that meant, she told me i just get too wrapped up in my obsessions and that i copy everybody and that doesn't mean i am autistic. i think the worst thing about her disbelief is that she thinks it's FUNNY.

i have alotta reservations about my mom, but that's another story. i did not feel my mom would cooperate if i gave her the questionaires, so i explained to the physciatrist how my mom felt and that she would not cooperate. in the end, the Dr. told me it's obvious that my mom is in denial.

Well I just laid the questionnaire on the table and went "oh yeah, fill that in, it's for the aspergers thing" and we've had a talk about it. Looking at the questions I think is convincing her that I may actually have it (was she highly difficult as a baby to deal with, etc). She's gonna discuss it with my auntie to have an un-biased opinion, as she had post-natal depression for a year after I was born. I think she's actually coming round to the idea. But that's wishful thinking.

Well, my mother thought it was a load of crap too, until Connor (my son) got a dx. Then i got one, and she went through some huge guilt thing that it was all her fault, until i got Connors mum to explain it to her properly. These days shes much better about it. Of course, my mother isnt a whiny unsociable negative and unhelpful spinster who likes nothing bettter than to moan about every aspect of her daughters life, regardless of what she tries to do, thus flattening all self-respect or self-confidence LadyM ever has.

I'm not hopeful that she will do that questionare properly at all, but stranger things happen at sea, I suppose.

Maybe if she actually started to believe it was actually the case, I wouldnt have to spend hours rebuilding LadyM's confidence etc after every visit. Its wearying, because I spend most all my time with LadyM, definitely more than any member of her family has done in years, and I know what shes capable of, and how intelligent she actually is. (Which is very. Apart from anything else, I have a low tolerance for thick people, especially those who are deliberately ignorant, so theres no way I would be able to get on with LadyM as well as I do, if she was actually as dumb as her mum insinuates.)

The shame of it is, they are actually quite similar, once you get past the negativity angle. If her mother spent less time being so shrieky and negative, she has it in her to be as nice as LadyM. I hold out hope that the relationship will improve as LadyM gets older, so theres less of a "parenting" thing going on.

Regardless of the questionare, LadyM is Aspie as hell, and it shouldnt harm her diagnosis any regardless of what it says. I did suggest that she mention her mothers negative mindset towards the concept to the specialists, just to make the case clear.

heres to changing the womans mind..

When I mentioned the possibility to my mum, she argued with me about it for 10 minutes. Honestly, I wouldn't trust her to fill out a questionaire accurately, now. It doesn't help that she's a teacher, and has a couple of aspies in her classes who by the sounds of things are lower functioning than I am (as I've said elsewhere, it sounds like I present as a stereotypical female aspie, not a male, so the yardstick she'll likely use probably won't be accurate, either). Thankfully, I do still have my dad, but the downside to that is that he's remarried, and married to an autism specialist. I feel like if I let them know, I'll become a science project, almost, it's not something I want to share with her. Although I think she believes I'm an Aspie now, still actually having that conversation would be the epitome of awkward.
Ahem. I digress. I'd probably ask the therapist person if there's another way, especially if you're borderline and the answers will have an effect on your diagnosis, and either way explain that you don't fully trust your mum's answers.

You have an IQ of at least 130???

You do NOT need an IQ of at least 130 to have AS, mines only 126. There are also NTs with high intelligence levels but i dont think the average NT has an Higher average intelligence of the Aspie.

If you dont like going out and socialising with strangers and have habits and obsessions and sometimes feel that your in a world of your own and perhaps have some unusual (not real world like) fantasies and perfer to do thing things routinely then chances are your an Aspie! If you get diagnosed then welcome to utopia!

What is it with parents (it seems to me, especially moms, but I could be confused) who feel the need to vehemently deny or argue over stuff like this? I read about stories like this here almost every day; it seems like a constantly recurring thing.

Is it some innate guilt over producing what might be perceived as faulty offspring? Is there some stigma attached to having a child on the spectrum? What is it?

I feel inclined to go argue with my 10 year old son and tell him that he doesn't have autism, that he's just weird and quirky; except of course he can't understand me.

You're in a pickle, Lady Macbeth; even if you do get your mom to fill out the questionnaire, even if you manage to get her to promise to do so as honestly and accurately as possible (in pursuit of what is simply the truth of things), she may tend to subconsciously skew her answers towards what she wants you to be, rather than what you might be. Have you asked your head doc for advice in this area? How heavily will the answers of a potentially [heavily] biased person influence your diagnosis?

Good fortune,

- Icarus is a Fake Aspie

Thinking about it, your mother barely knows fact one about AS, so it woud serve little purpose for her to make s**t up on the questions, as to an outsider, its not exactly clear which are the "right" answers anyway. She might end up making you seem even MORE AS.

Icarus, in my mother's case it seemed that she felt guilt because she feared it might be 'her fault'. She expected it to be more problematic than beneficial, and to be fair to her it really has. But with an earlier diagnosis I might have 'found my way' by now.

She also expressed some guilt at the fact she hadn't noticed herself far earlier.

It seems that many parents are under the impression that they know their children best, and they do want their child to be perfect in the eyes of everyone else because they want everyone else to see their child as they see them (she can't describe Asperger's to someone else properly, instead she reduces it to 'shyness'). I gathered this when my mum told me that she doesn't like the way I dress because 'people will think you're scum', which was in turn based on her thinking that people with a similar image to mine are 'scum'. I respect my mother, and I love her dearly, and she seems to be gradually accepting the me she got, instead of holding onto the dream of the me she expected. I respect that she will still learn things and really take them in, even if her opinions are originally strong.

Lady Macbeth, would it be beneficial for you to have your aunt present at an assessment, instead of/as well as your mother? Does your aunt have a clearer and less biased knowledge of your early years?

Neither of them are coming. They don't see it as important as I see it. This will change my life, emotionally and personally as well as helping me to get support.

My mum was talking to me before and it seems as though she's into the idea, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up. She hasn't filled the questionnaire in yet, but I will make sure she does tomorrow.

No-one knows more than my mum about me as a small child. She stayed with me, day in and day out for 3 1/2 years until I went to nursery, despite the post natal depression. I don't talk to my dad, so I can't ask him about it. Plus it's very likely he has it too.. even my mum said she thinks he does. And my uncle (his brother). I think she wanted to show it to my auntie to clarify that the questions were reasonable (instead of "if this child coughed once when she was 2 she has AS".. that sort of thing).

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted, if you're interested.

Benji,

I think I learned the word shy, because it was used to describe me. Hobby was another word I learned because it applied to me. To come to think of it, obsessed, picky, etc.... were the same way. At least you learned like 20 years before I did, and seem to be pretty comfortable(meaning with your situation and openness).

Hopefully your mum will come around to the idea, then. Unlikely things seem to happen quite often, so I'd say you have a fair chance.

I wasn't trying to imply that your aunt might know more than your mother, simply that her opinion might be slightly more objective. Just to be clear.

One way I did try to convince my mum to be open minded was to write a letter explaining exactly why I wanted to pursue a diagnosis. I'm not sure if you've tried this, but I found it easier to explain things in my own time and my own way, instead of being face to face and on the spot. Again, I don't know your mother so I don't know how likely that would be to work for you (assuming you haven't already tried it)...