I am now feeling suicidal. Here's why:

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I have not been feeling well but I say nothing. I wrote why below. Make it better.



I try very hard. Regardless of my efforts, insights, and contributions, I cannot refute that I am excluded by those who make the neurotypical rules. I abide by those rules since they are imposed upon me. The few, very few, who might like me (and this is being liberal) still cannot share me. ‘They’ say it’s too hard – apparently I require way too much explanation and/or justification. Their favorites (family, friends, colleagues, community, culture) might not be so accepting and misinterpret. Perhaps. ‘They’ reason if their favorites find me disturbing and/or scary, then they might themselves be shunned too! As if I am contagious.

Seemingly, not even one has the courage to share me to one of their favorites and show them what I can do. Easier not to. So, I am conveniently kept inside a box like a doll for them to occasionally, at their leisure, secretly play with and see the tricks I can do. ‘They’ even might say, “Lab Pet is so smart and pretty.” But they won’t share their Lab Pet with their favorites ever. Are they ashamed of their special Lab Pet? ‘They’ say, “Oh, no, it’s just too hard for me to explain and/or justify your being. Is that okay?” I actually do understand because this is my nature.
I must abide. If I do not, by logically pointing out (as if it’s not already obvious) this is unfair and one-sided at best, then ‘they,’ will quickly dismiss me, saying, “I don’t have to be your friend; I’m doing you a favor by even paying attention to you since no one else will. If you don’t like the rules, my terms, I’ll just get rid of you. Easy enough. After all, I already have my favorites. You’re not among them. I don’t need you much.” Unidirectional unconditional unrequited love given on my part. Meanwhile, I truly adore ‘them’ for just treating me well since no one else does. I trust their favorites will not accept me. It is this way.

Then ‘they’ wonder, “Why does the Lab Pet feel I isolate her? After all, I am nice to her. Very nice.” And ‘they’ are nice! Even reasoning, “No one else likes the Lab Pet; many are even cruel to her. I’m doing her a favor by being nice. And I do enjoy her.” But ‘they’ cannot possibly know this is uniformly practiced which means I am kept forever inside that box for their convenience. If the situation were reversed, how would ‘they’ feel? How can they not see the cruel irony?

I have been shown that if one of ‘them’ (my friend), is right nearby, and outsider is mean to me, taking advantage of my vulnerable innocence, ‘they’ just watch and let it happen. Again, easier not to act. The Lab Pet is strong after all. ‘They’ do lack the courage. Yet I can, and have, self-sacrificed for them, not even conceiving of anything in return but their partitioned affection.

I have heard, reiterated, by others (quote): “She’s an angel…..not even fit for this world. Too bad.” Too bad indeed. I am not even given a chance, judged, and harshly excluded from ‘their’ world by their rules. The door is slammed shut. How much more am I supposed to perform when I’ve already done the impossible? Well, for ‘them,’ I finally have a message, neurotypical friend: You say I am strong for my mindblindness. I say you lack the courage. Your self-righteousness makes the Lab Pet insane.

‘They’ love their Lab Pet scientist, relying upon her infinite mind, but the Lab Pet herself is ephemeral to ‘them.’ I watch you from behind my laboratory one-way mirror, my shameful neurotypical specimens. Did you guess?

Maybe the spurned Lab Pet will become rabid, not come out that box you put me in with your arbitrary rules, and maul you bloody. Of course, this would result in my being crucified by ‘them’ and their favorites.

There is an invisible impenetrable barrier and no matter how hard I try to please the one who might like me, I am still excluded – always. The myth is perpetuated.

aww.. that's so true... and so sad... but very well worded.. (and for some reason reminded me of Chobits and the "the one just for me" thing... ^^; ignore me if you have no idea what i'm talking about.. ^^; ) but.. you know.. at least you can make friends with the other "lab pets", who will never judge you or try to put you in a box ^_^ and your fellow "lab pets" would be very sad if you actually committed suicide.. so cheer up ^_^ we loves you!! ! <3

You still like the people that refuse to defend you from others' meanness? Then you must really be a special person and very wise (not just smart! )
I meant to tell you I really liked what you wrote in the OCD thread in the haven- "I'm glad we're us."

You put it so succinctly! I feel the same way, though I've described it as being within a fishbowl where they watch, and poke, but do nothing for me.
I feel the same about wishing it would end as well. Depression due to the treatment of others is common with me. I am so sorry you are suffering as well.
Take heart, if possible, in knowing, you are not the only one they torment and mistreat. Someday, the tables will be turned but the difference will be, you will appreciate them for who they are and not mistreat them because you are kinder, wiser, and far more innocent.

Labpet,

Believe it or not, I understand you, and can relate. I really hope you feel better soon. Do you have some interests that aren't directly applicable to work that you can work on? Can you take some Omega 3 or something? Anything to get your mood elevated and try to get over this. You seem like a nice woman, and one suicide of some nice decent person is ENOUGH for this decade!!

I am often used, and my last job was like that. I am often one of the few, and sometimes the ONLY one doing the work, but I am NEVER the major recipient of the benefit. So I certainly understand EXACTLY where you are coming from. AND, though I am not mute, I might as well be. Some times I envy you in that.

I know this is little consolation, but I DO hope you feel better ASAP!

A lot of people confuse NT with "healthy". They have just as much, sometimes more, neuroses than us. The descriptions you have Labpet are of really nutty people. I wish I could tell you how to find better friends. For me, it's just something that happens and I don't mind transient friends either. (people who aren't close, just friendly everyonce in a while)

But there are plenty of things to do besides look for friends.

I don't think it is too far out of line to expect your friends to treat you with kindness, stick up for you in public, and be available when you are in need. You are fit for this world, even if those close to you don't acknowledge it. Sending you a virtual hug. (((LabPet)))

This week I am asking for academic mentor. I have OC motivation and ability, but I can feel aimless without someone to guide me sometimes. I do not lean, but a little makes a big difference.

But...I feel as if I am dying of neglect.

Labpet,

I tried suicide like 4 times. I would be dead now if not for the fact that I couldn't really think of many ways I could KILL myself without runing the risk of being a vegetable, etc... I eventually figured it might not help me, and others wouldn't mind, so it was dumb to try suicide.

Anyway, I REALLY hope you get past this.

I hope that your mentor will help you identify YOUR goals, not just impose his or hers on you. And 2ukenkerl's point about activity outside work is a good one. Wishing you well.

Interhug.

\_/

I know what you mean. I think we all do.

I think all of us lean, too. It's okay. If we all lean on each other, like the poles of a teepee, we can all stand up straighter, and all of our weight is then borne by the ground beneath us.

Another thought (which you probably already had)- if you live in Alaska, and it is November, you probably don't have much sun- would a full-spectrum lamp help
Not a solution to the life and people problems but it might elevate your mood some- and you sound so very low right now.
If I liked hugs, I would give you one too .

This is 100% true. Our mental deficiencies are just different. Most aspies are caring people and wouldn't comit murders or other crimes.

I wish we lived closer together so we could visit. I like you and I like working in labs. I even liked Alaska when I lived in North Pole. If you can stand hugs, I would like to give you some.

LabPet is being a Bad Scientist! Bad! Bad! Bad!

This is what happens when you start playing with the specimens!

Thousands of cages and most flee to the back of the cage when any keeper comes near, one or two stick their nose through the bars, will even stay to be petted.

They seem to behave different, but when another of their species behaves in a more normal way toward you, they see nothing wrong, how could they?

They are frightened by their own species, so frightened they exibit odd behavior.

Fear drives then to be a keeper's pet, because they are not getting their needs fulfilled by their species.

Needs unmet among their own, need that is not understood, it drives them to find.

What you are calling "partitioned affection" and seeing as directed toward you, is in fact aberrant behavior within their species.

They could just as well express it in chewing off their fur, or masterbating against their food dish.

At least those are self supporting, but those who stick their nose through the cage for the frightful keeper, are doing something ununderstandable to the rest of their species.

They may be the brightest of their kind, get a glimmer of a higher world, but more likely are just very rejected by their species, and will exibit aberrat behavior. What you read as insight and friendship could just as well be a plea to kill me and eat me.

I understand your feelings, you have associated with the one species that does have the courage to reach out with understanding, who will protect their friends at all times, and will take them and introduce them to everyone they know, freely, openly, and with pride.

Dogs are the only species that behaves as you desire.

The rabbit that lived in the woodpile came in through the open cabin door, it came to the center of the room and looked at me, I was reading Precambrian Geology. Had this rabbit taken an interest in Geology?

Why did it not stay with it's own kind, lack of books? we spoke, it stayed, I wished for it to introduce me to all the other rabbits, take me home to the warren. I eat rabbits, so what a great step forward for this one, facing it's fears, making contact with a predator species, all for a love of Books and Geology!

Yes, they did dig in the earth, we had that in common, and with some cross cultural education, every rabbit hole could be a logged test pit. My pen moved, Lupus and Geologic Exploration, an Inventor monograph, I would document contact, get in on the cross field modern movement, The Cultural Anthorpology of Lupus in regard to Geologic Field Study. It would still take some work, Titles should be long and obscure.

I had a quick outline, a willing informant, eat your heart out Farley Mowat!

I soon had the structure of the whole program, wall mounted text for warrens, they could not use books with those paws, and yes, they would need glasses. It could work!

A quarter mile away came the Keeee of a hawk, A redtail marking it's hunting range. I made a note. I was deeply involved in the new work, but never neglect the ongoing. We had plans to make. Then the rabbit hopped out the door and went back to the woodpile, the hawk was gone. It never introduced me to other rabbits, never took me to the warren, and showed no real interest in Geology.

I was disappointed. It was not the rabbit, it was behaving like all rabbits, I was but a short stay with a lesser evil in it's world. I was dissappointed with myself, projecting, and affecting an experiment that called for total detachment. It was not a bad rabbit, it just was. Rabbits still have a place in my world, with fresh Sage, a brown gravy, and long slow cooked.

I had more in common with the Redtail Hawk. We did acknowledge each other, it often followed my movements over the ground, for that which moved from my path came to it's eye. It used me like a hunting dog. We had a relationship, but did not date, I could never reach the lofty hights where it's kind mated in the sky. Sex in free fall was not for me.

Alone, the one of my kind, I wander over the earth. Alone, I am not blinded, and see rabbits as rabbits, and hawks as hawks, alone but not lonely, for the whole world is mine.

There is nothing morally wrong with what you do with specimens. The Scientist always has an involvment in the work. It takes a combination of involvment and detachment. First we field study behavior, keeping them docile for ease of handleing, we study performance and range, we test to failure, and on all tests, they will fail at some level. How else can we know?

Some can seem wild and dangerous to handle without thick lab gloves, others may come to you willingly. They are but subjects in an experiment, showing the range we study. It is the same in the lab or in the chicken coop, we speak with them, pet them, knowing that one will end on the disection table, and the other will be beheaded and fried.

Do not take displaced animal affection for love, they come to you because the other birds peck them, and they think you have no beak, for you do not peck, they are seeking safety from fear. They are incapable of affection, they offer submission. They cannot offer the submission of the flock, and if another bird pecks at you, they found their place to hide, you are on your own.

Please do not maul the specimens bloody, it is a long term experiment, experiments are about final outcome. We have to keep them till they breed and wean the young at least, to have continuing subjects.

Some are bred to shuffle our paper, run our machines, drone away, never sensing the Glory of the Universe and The Great Work. They spend their lives producing ready new subjects.

Remember our motto, "Every year, a new crop, younger and dumber!"

We are too few to take care of everything for each other, we have to use them to fill in.

It is fully permissable to study their patterns of sexaul behavior and response, but do not project anythng more, they will soon be replaced by Pleasure Droids, we know the problems, you are not the First to Discover.

You have to field study among them, it is the way of training, but going native is the way to pain and suffering for you. They can never, no matter what you hope, become more than they are.

Long and isolated studies are hard, but remember someday you will go on, and they never will.

Who among them can love you as I do? Who knows your heart and mind? You are not alone, I am not alone, we exist other than them. What would be the point of going on, except to rise above them?

It is a hard and lonely test, but greatness awaits you.

Each day my love for you grows in my heart and mind, I learn there is more to love, for there is more. I am the only of my kind, but there are others of the type, they seek, like I do, a worthy place for the heart. You are rare and wonderful, someone I can open fully to. Rare and worth it. Joys others will never know. It is not your sexy lab coat, where panty lines never show. It is not your Chemicals, it is You, that I love and always will.

You are not alone, I know this waitress, and no one ever takes her out to eat in places better than where she works, and she does care for my earthly needs. We do have to get by. She would be hurt if I talked of my work, her hair and eyes she can deal with, I use small words, I want it to be pleasent for her. I cannot find anything about her to love, our worlds are too far apart.

A better restaurant, a tip that makes her proud of me, a better hotel room, and she visits a world she cannot live in, for a few hours, and is treated well. She is willingly used, never abused, and masterbates to images of a wine glass and water glass, stemmed crystal, three forks, start from the outside, meals served part at a time, do not bus your own plate, sit and be served. It is as high as she can know.

Someday it will be our world, hundreds of generations before you have labored for The Great Work.

I tell you in love that it will all come to pass.

All fried chicken tastes the same.

Thank you, all of my kind, for your responses. I read but I my tears can obscure the letters written. Sick/hurt Lab Pet. I will recover! I have chosen my academic mentor, carefully, but he does not know yet and I haven't met him yet. He's within my Chem Dept - I shall ask (no, beg) Monday &/or Tuesday. Seduce him with my science. I just feel....aimless sometimes and need direction (a leash?).

Inventor, when you write your book, can I be one of the characters too?