I've been very AFRAID

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I don't know how I am going to end up. All I know is that, in retrospect, I wish I had never heard of Asperger's syndrome. Now I feel hopeless, confused, defective, damaged and inappropriate. At times I feel guilty and at times I feel victimized. All I know is that my mind hasn't stopped going round in circles.

And did you guys know that Aspeger's syndrome used to be called "autistic psychopathy" when it was first discovered? That's so sad. It breaks my heart to know that's how the vast majority of the world sees me

I want to redeem myself, somehow. I want everyone to see what a nice guy I really am.

Last edited by Mw99 on 26 Sep 2007, 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I guess there is a wide array of feelings that people experience with this diagnosis. See, for me, I felt the way you feel now BEFORE I knew what my problem was. Now I feel...free. I have answers for why, and I've found that it helps me immensely in dealing with the issues I could never previously understand.

I really think that you can use this knowledge as a catalyst to achieving what you want. If you want people to see the real you, work on that. Asperger's does not stamp you hopeless. In fact, it offers some hope. When you know what you're dealing with, it makes dealing with it a heck of a lot easier.

I hope you feel better soon.

PS: Don't dwell on the ancient psychopathy crap. Homosexuality used to be in the DSM too. It was removed because time, research and education proved that it wasn't a disorder, just a difference in orientation. Perhaps Asperger's is just a different way of thinking.

First of all, having AS doesn't mean that you are defective in anyway. I went through a meltdown a few days ago over this (i.e. "I WISH I WAS NORMAL, I WISH I WAS NORMAL!! !!), but my ever supportive fiancee told me something that made a lot of sense: "I would not want you any other way, because it's you I love, warts and all."

I think its far more than just a different way of thinking.

Just dont do stupid s**t like hard drugs or become a drunkard.. I know its tempting.. To need to escape from the world that hates you so dearly.. But if you want a good life you will have to stay away from all that.. I know from seeing people like that, and being an alchoholic myself (back in the day).. Just treat yourself good.. If you spiral downwards to the point of being beyond help, your life isnt even worth living anymore.

But what if our way of thinking is wrong? What if it doesn't accurately represent reality?

What if we are wrong and they are right?

I feel what you feel, and its worse when people can't beleive you when you say you dont f, up on purpose, that the red cans in a line where so damn distracting that you had no idea what they where pointing at in the grocery store; that no matter what you will f up until the people you love leave you because you are stupid.

However, normal is a relative term... look at my signature...

Personally, it's something I always pride myself on! Don't hate the way the world sees you, hate the misconceptions surrounding the word 'psychopath'. Most people don't have the slightest idea what it means...

Psychopathy just means disease or disorder of the mind. Autism and ASDs are psychopathys in that sense. But the term 'psychopath' is used in common language like sociopath: a conniving person with no conscience or sense of wrong, no regard for other human beings. Which is not what autism and ASDs are about.

Don't freak out about the labels. Knowing that you fit a pattern called Asperger's syndrome may give you some abilities to better understand yourself and your interaction with society. It can be overwhelming and lead to some burn-out or depression at first, but you can ultimately wrap your mind around this and not see it as a negative.

Don't get me started on labels and how badly they confuse the mind with irresponsibly placed notions about WHO you are - but in fact AREN'T. The Truth is you're a brilliant human being with exceptional talents, abilities and GIFTS. Your gifts are unlike anything the world has yet seen or will ever see again. Only you bring these gifts to the world - and it's all for the good. You just can't see it yet because your eyes haven't adjusted. That's all. And this is a time of great turbulence and changes - so what everyone needs is some real grounding - holding on to the absolutes - laws of reality - no superfluous crap from media and brainwashing from *experts*. You are the expert of yourself -but you still are in training. You need guidance is all. And when you will be absolutely ready for a Teacher - capital T - they will be shown to you. Till then - hold on - don't lose hope and know that you are a beautiful soul.

I don't mean to be insensitive about this, but to me I want to know exactly how I work, what's going on with me, etc. (or with anything I'm interested in ). I can't ever figure myself out if I don't know what's going on. I don't see how a label can be a negative thing.

Exactly, which was my fiancee's entire point: she loves my type of normal, even if it isn't NT "normal." What she has been doing for quite sometime is to get me to accept myself for who I am and not what other people want me to be. I think that is the best advice in the world: love yourself for who you are because self-loathing can do a lot more damage than outside persecution.