I loved the movie Rain man when I was a kid. Only being recently diagnosed with AS, I had no idea then the great similiarities between Ramon or anyone else with autism and myself. The WALL is just larger and bigger for them, but we have the same wall too as you all know. Ramon loves his 8 chicken sticks (not 4 damn it) on a certain day and it is his ritual. It makes him feel comfortable. Me, I have no desire to explore new foods or restaurants. I have to eat the same freaking meal everytime. Why? I want to have the desire to desire. I want to want other things, but I don't. Ramon has to watch his jeopardy every day. He can't miss it. Well if I'm watching a television program and keeping up with the characters and what is going on, it seems to possess me at times. It has to be completed. I have to have a resolution. If the program comes on in 3 days, I have to remind myself up to that date that it is coming on (in case I forgot because the world would end) and it needs to be watched and discarded from my head. Tony Atwood said that we are obsessed with closure and an obsession with it. He couldn't have been closer to the truth. I'm like this with relationships, tv shows, ideas, etc. I can't leave anything hanging. It ruins my life. So I'm reluctant to try new things and get involved with something because it is just pure exhausting. I know I have to be all in or all out. No gray for me. So I self-sabatoge opportunities because I don't want to be sucked into them. Ramon is sensitive to stimuli. When my wife and I drove (she always drives or use to before she couldn't take me anymore) to New York City for the first time I was overwhelmed. It was snowing and the streets were covered with snow. Literally I remember swaying back and forth and just practically moaning. (Inside my head I was wondering why I was doing this and thought I knew I had control over it.....or did I) When we went to a gypsy circus I started to yelp and tell her I didn't want to be around all those people. I thought I was eccentric or cool for a strange reason and that I could control acting that way.....or couldn't I?
Now knowing that I have mild autism I wonder about Ramon's character and other people with autism. I use to think they were "retarted" (no offense, this is the way people think) and didn't have feelings or desires. But now I wonder if they are trapped just like we are outside the World, but even in a deeper way? They can't look people in the eye and they repeat the same crap over and over again...........like I do!! !! Do you think they have the desire to connect like we do? I don't think you need to answer this for me, because I'm sure they do.
27 Sep 2007, 12:42 pm
