I feel nearly suicidal - and get ragged out for it!!

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On my Facebook account, I mentioned that my current status was "nearly suicidal". I am/was.... My depression is clinical, diagnosed and genuine - and aggravated by the fact my wife left me and took my baby boys with her because she can't deal with my moods or withdrawals any longer. The final blow was responding in anger to a rotten thing she said to me while we were in bed I gave her a hard nudge with my foot to hers. She took it as a kick and is now afraid I'll kill her. (Hello?? Overreaction???!?) She also claims I never honor my commitments because I left the job I was pressured to quit from (despite being backed into an awful corner that would have cost $thousands) and that I didn't do the dishes for a few days after being forced to promise to do the dishes every single day.

So she's gone, my baby has started walking in their absence, I miss them to no end and I'm in gut-wrenching torture every day they're gone. She knows her abandonment is the worst thing she could ever do to me but she keeps doing it, insisting I change to a point where she "feels safe" around me. She routinely denies her own depression and insists her reaction has nothing to do with the fact her sister was murdered by her husband. This terrible thing she's doing to me may actually lead to the divorce she says she doesn't want because she's inflicting this pain without very good reason. With no money, no prospects, no family, no support and looming bankruptcy; I'm officially at the lowest point in my life - worse than being sent to prison for a crime I didn't commit. Yes, I was feeling NEARLY suicidal. I'd love this pain to end... and if she insists on never coming back no matter what I do, I can't see an end to the pain.


So I got a blistering email today from a "friend" who tells me to "grow up" and "get my $h!t together" etc. And that my saying I'm feeling suicidal was only a cruel jab at my wife. I did something I'm not known for... I sent a hot reply saying, "Get your facts straight before you sound off like that." It's not the first time this "friend" (more my wife's friend than mine, as obvious here) has kicked me while I was down.


Nice logic there.... How dare I be depressed or suicidal!?! Get back to pleasing that woman who's only exercising her right to abuse men! It's not abuse if you're a man! Smile and take it while you get back to pretending everything's fine.




[sigggghhhhhhhhh....]

Those are just as much your kids as they are her's. She needs to understand that pain of abandonment you feel. She needs to see that you need your sons in order to be happy. I sense that you're a good father, just going through an era in your life where you aren't getting the spouse support you need.

Take your boys back. I am sure they miss you as much, if not more, than you miss them.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling that way. It sounds like there is miscommunication on a lot of sides here. Have you considered marriage counseling? It might really help you, and even if it doesn't save the marriage, it will help you learn to stay friendly as you raise your children. Best of luck to you.

I understand! I was told, when suicidal over the death of my twins, that I was just "overreacting" and "trying to get attention"! Yeah, that's what an aspie wants, attention!

PLEASE don't give up! Try counseling, it may work. Meanwhile, she can't just take your boys like that. It's illegal. You have as much right as she does. You need to consider writing how you feel. Arguing with her about whether it was a nudge or a kick isn't going to go anywhere. It sounds like she's trying to justify her actions. Tell her you want to start fresh, from here. You can't change the past. You can only move forward. Meanwhile, work on you. Get on an antidepressant if you aren't already on one. Show her you are handling you. It will make her see either that she has her own issues or it will show you where things really stand.

Don't give up on life. I know it's hard. My exhusband left me and my three kids (at the time, aged 5, 3, and 1) for another woman because he couldn't "cope" with how I am. I wasn't depressed or anything before that point. It was my aspie traits he didn't like.
As devastated as I was, I kept moving forward. Now, I'm married to a wonderful man who fell in love with me BECAUSE of my aspie traits, not despite them. You can overcome.

Feel free to email if you ever need to talk.

Annabel Lee

lots of people use suicide as a bid for attention. It always pissed me off when my actual requests for help were waved away as bids for attention. I finally realized they either didn't KNOW what to do about my suicidal thoughts or they thought I was an 'inconvenience' because 'oh there she goes again. . .'

so I found that most people that I met (your mileage may vary) was a combo of the two. I didn't find that ANYone knew how to help me and when I went to the low income counseling services they gave me Celexa, and 3 years later I was staring into the blackest pit imaginable at suicidal thoughts that literally ripped my mind open. But I was just getting started, as I took myself off of Celexa cold turkey and spent the next 18 months sleeping on a shelf in my friends garden shack.

So, I survived. But not because 'others came flocking to my rescue', BlueMax. Because when it all boils down, you are the only one you can count on. Be strong for you, your kids will need you, eventually.

This is the most honest advice I know to give.

Merle

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation Bluemax. I second those that said that you should try to get some depression meds.
When my marriage was in a very bad state I found this site http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ very helpful. It isn't like traditional marriage counseling. It's based on reacting to the present instead of the past. Other marriage counselors want to have people bring in their laundry list so to speak about all the the things that their partner does/did that has hurt their feelings ect.. This site is based on dry logic, and that's something I can follow. I hope that it helps you some. I feel for you, as your situation has to be very painful. I don't do hugs very often, but I think you deserve one right now, so ((((hugs))))

I can't help you from experience (my only relational experiences have been 4 near-misses), but I have gone through near-suicidal depression before, so hopefully I can help.

The first thing, like everyone else has been saying, is to never give up. Giving up is just justifying your wife's POV that you are too dangerous to make her "feel safe".

The second thing you should to is try to take advantage of the time alone. Pick up a new hobby. Get involved with your community or, if you are a man of faith, a faith-based organization. My main problem when I went through depression was the feeling that my life was worth less than nothing (i.e. I was worth more to the world dead than alive.) getting involved at my church, however, gave me a new sense of self-worth that was independent of any woman (the depression being caused by one of those near-misses I mentioned earlier that I ended up brooding over for 3 years). Perhaps, through such involvement, you may eventually find a path toward reconciliation with your wife as well (though don't hold up hope.)

I was going to write more, but I think that it would detract from the point that I was trying to get across above...

Thanks for the good advice, folks.

I'm already in counseling and they're ready to get me on an antidepressant again (hopefully this one will work better, the last one made me angry which is why my wife got upset! She can't handle anger so I'm forced to stifle it.)

I make the two-hour drive once a week (all I can afford) to see my kids and go to a marriage seminar going on right now. I'd see my kids more often if I could find work in their town and move over, but I'm stuck being unable to afford the move. I might need to find any crap job I can get that will pay enough to squirrel away some cash and get out of here.

I fully support the suggestion of marriage counselling, writing your thoughts/feelings, etc... and am truly sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.


As a side note, I think it is important to remember the following, when dealing with NT's:

People with AS are naturally honest people.We say what we think/feel/etc and often times we mean what we say. Quite often we are accused of having difficulties censoring, considering how our words/actions may impact on another's life, etc So, in expressing your feelings of being "nearly suicidal", it would be true to say that you felt that, but in an NT world they would NEVER get that.

NT's have been programmed (and learned) over the years how to filter, tip toe around people, hide their true emotions to save face, etc and naturally think anyone that would ever entertain these thoughts, would not EVER express it (bloody social etiquette crap) and therefore assume it is a ploy to grab the attention of others. NT's (I know through training in Social Work/Experience) tend to believe that people who are suicidal will be careful not to draw undesired attention to their suffering and plan to leave the world, thus making any outwardly expressed thoughts of it a "cry for help" or "attention seeking" *sigh*

Whatever you are feeling though, please know it will, in time, get better.

I can totally empathize w/ you, since I was just recently in a similar situation. Well, minus being married and having kids in the picture. Does a crazy ex-bf and a dog count? Anyway, I actually attempted suicide, but was pulled out of it in the ER to my dismay. Anyway, I get so sick of my NT friends and family constantly telling me to just "pick myself up by boot straps" and other such stupid phrases, speeches, and/ or suggestions ( esp when I did not ask for it in the first place)! They cannot possibly know what it is like to be me. They also cannot imagine how overwhelming it is to get back to my prior almost completely functional state of being! Arrgghhh!