Passivity as a defense mechanism.

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I have just realized that I put on a front of being a sweet, quiet person as a means of survival. I have not acheieved a level of success where I am in a position to tell everyone off; I'm not a Bill Gates or Temple Grandin or anything like that. I know I'm not fooling anyone into believing that I am "normal" but I feel like I have to put on some kind of front just to be tolerated in the work place. I am filled with rage because I know that I am not a stupid person but my aspie issues are keeping me from success in the work place since I don't have a special skill that employers can't live without and thus I have no choice but to do some kind of work that requires interaction with other people. I am really angry that I am thought of as "special". God, I hate that word so much! I am so angry I just want to smash something or somebody. I would never really hurt anyone but it makes me so angry that people talk down to me and I hate it that I have to put on this inoffensive, watered down version of myself just to try to make a few dollars to survive. I know that one has to adapt to the world and I understand there are certain rules one has to follow but it makes me angry that all of my efforts have not yielded success in terms of jobs or being taken seriously by other people. I don't expect everyone to like me but I'm sick of being the token "disabled" employee. I have images of taking a baseball bat and just smashing things but not people. I have felt really depressed for the past few weeks and realize that in reality depression is, in my case, suppressed rage. I can't seem to find a happy medium between passivity and saying "I don't care what anyone else thinks." NT's hate me no matter what I do; I can either be a sweet passive person that they will tolerate or I can throw caution to the wind and be fired. I wish I was independently wealthy and could tell everyone to get lost. How do you deal with rage?

I initiate my own threads with huge, angsty rants.

No, wait... that's you. Nevermind.

I was like this, being passive but underneath angry, for many years - it causes depression as you have noticed. Eventually I had a breakdown after which I was openly angry and nasty for a couple of years but eventually reached an equilibrium of sorts. I go through periods of pretending to be dumb and overly nice if I sense that someone is feeling antagonistic but if I am directly threatened then I stand my own ground.
No act of niceness or nastiness will make others like or respect you so you may as well just try be yourself and take what comes.

I've noticed that some people are clumsy at trying to help someone fit in if they don't understand that person. Few people I've met are genuinely nasty, yet they're the ones I remember most. Survival instinct?

If you're trying to be pleasant for these people even though you're teed off, then you qualify as nice. Poor baby. Try to observe who is trying to be nice but is tripping over their inexperience. They only have their own perspective to work with, but you can help them understand you better. The ones trying to be nasty don't matter. Let them roll off of your back if you can.

you really need an NT friend with whom you can compare experiences and reactions. How about calling up your local uni or hospital and ask for grad students who are studying autism and or psych?

as for pretending to be nice and sweet, are you saying you are mean and evil in reality? or do you mean you are accommodating and diplomatic in the workplace? Honey, that's the real world and NTs have to fake copacetic too. Have you ever seen a Neil Labute movie? Maybe you would like them.

No, I don't mean that I'm really mean and evil. I certainly have no wish to insult or hurt another person. It's just that right now I am really angry about a lot of things but I at least realize that I can't take my frustrations out on other people. Someone mentioned the possibility of meeting someone who is studying autism and I think that's a good idea; I mean another poster here did. I just wish that people took me more seriously. I have managed to avoid seriously upsetting or offending other people but I'm just frustrated that off of my efforts have not yielded greater success. Now I just need to find some positive channels for my rage, since, while smashing things would certainly feel good, I don't think it is worth a jail sentence . I think being quiet and "fading into the background" was useful when I was in high school to avoid provoking other people, (not that bullying is in any way excused under any circumstances). I think being terrified of offending other people has made me overly cautious and I need to take more chances with things.