Help needed : Personality changes throught life

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[Long post] - Please read throught if you can manage, as help would be HIGHLY appreciated. Thanks!

I found out about Wrong Planet last week and suscribed as I am 99% sure about having AS. For the last few days, browsing on this site and participating in forums discussions occupied the majority of my time, and althought I never was diagnosed I call myself an aspie without feeling that Im anyhow lying about it. Im in this serious mode of analysing my past and comparing it with AS symptoms. I recall what my parents told me about my youth, and it seems like everything they can come up with is linked with AS somehow : how I was strongly fascinated by water as a baby, how I would cry if anything was changed in my environment, yet I would rarely cry when I got physically hurt (high-tolerance to pain). In short, I have yet to find something that would discard me from being an aspie.

One thing Im still heavily questionning myself about is how my behaviors and personality changed throught the years (Im 25 now).

As a baby, my mother often told me I could play with the same toy for hours. I was way more attracted to objects than I was to people. I would rarely talk, but when I did both my parents taught it was amazingly brilliant for a kid of my age. So as a baby, I had most if not all AS features.

My kid days are the ones Im still not quite sure were typical of an aspie. My integretion to elementary school went remarkably well and I never was left alone by other kids. I was a "clown kid" or "freak-show kid", and it was the only stage of my life I was described as outgoing. I would say funny remarks, do eccentric things, and every other kid accepted me very well and would gather around me to witness what I would come up with next. I even was voted the most popular kid of my class once, as a psychologist came in class every year to "test" kids on that matter. Still, I always had a hard time having a "normal" conversation, talking about serious matters or bragging about things I did. When I was at home I would play with my nintendo, play with legos or read random books, and prefered solitary distractions to playing with my friends.

My teenage years went drastically wrong. I didnt make ANY friend at my highschool, during all the years I was there. I found other teenagers talks and activities boring and without any substance. I wasnt interested at all by fashion, trends, or other things teenagers usually talk about. During lunchtime, I would eat my lunch all alone and hide in the library, doing my homeworks or reading encyclopedias ; I litteraly was the soul of the library. I would sometimes count the number of words I could say in a week at school, and most of the times it was an easy count : zero. Thought I didnt enjoy my days at all being looked at as a weirdo, I never complained about not having friends as I considered my activities way more enjoyable than that of others. I also maintained to have above average grades.

Everything I went throught after highschool was more or less a repetition of those years : I was always alone, would not interact with others, and found my way out when others approched me. Something Im sure most people here can relate to. I eventually suffered from severe depression as I didnt find anywhere to belong. I entered university in 3 different fields, and dropped out from all of them, as my motivation to have a place in society was just not present. Today Im still not sure what to do with my life. Im an extremely shy and solitary person, and my main interests are philosophy, psychology, sciences and general culture. I also find an obsessive amusement at playing video games on my computer.

My current questionning is mostly about finding what of my past is the real me. As an adult I share every trait of an aspie, but I still wonder if I act that way because it is part of my aspergian nature, or due to the lack of self-esteem and social encounters Ive been through as a teenager. I tend to think it is both. My mother often tells me the real me is the outgoing person I was as a child during elementary school. She most probably thinks that way because that was the stage of my life I was the most happy ; still, I feel pretty much myself doing the things I do as an adult. I dont feel like being the "freak-show kid" anymore, as I prefer intellectual matters to social activities, and keep my "eccentricity" to my own self.

Any comment and feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Have you been throught different types of personnality as you grew up? Did what you've just read discard me from being an aspie Do you relate anyhow to my story, or would rather believe I only suffer from social-phobia? Thank you in advance!

After reading a few lines Ill predict everything else you had to say and tell you I can relate fully. Through out my life Ive gone through numerous personality changes as well. I can sum it all into one explanation, which is that with time comes change. Its all about what you are exposed to, whether it be a different environment or different situations with different people.. Hope I have not confused you even more

-edit. I skimmed through some of the stuff you wrote near the end, where you stated that you were searching for the real you. The answer is simple, your someone who is always changing, that is who you are.

My life has been incredibly similar to your story. I've gone through many different 'lives' in my 33 years, ranging from party-animal to the hermit I am now. After years of suspecting I finally got my diagnosis earlier this year and this has now left me wondering who I really am. Is my personality just a mish-mash of things I've copied that seem appropriate, or am I really who I am? This thought does bother me quite considerably and your post prompted me to reply (I often come on these boards to read other people's posts, but am just too reclusive to make posts myself).
It strikes me that Asperger's forces many people to live their lives as an act trying to integrate as effectively as possible with those around them. In time the act becomes second-nature and it is only when you look back at your life you start to wonder who you really are beneath it all. I presume many people (both NT & Aspie) feel similar to a certain extent, but I wonder how many of you on here can identify with this? It interests me whether this is a similar trait experienced by most Aspies.

Recently self-diagnosed so don't take me as an authority, but I def relate to change of personality stuff; through,( as Spanky316 says,) party animal to hermit is exactly right , with plodding dutiful citizen and freaked out and almost aggressive "rebel" in there too.
Def have doubts about what identity consists of as a result!! We're not alone in that; ID ( its fixedness or not!)is currently very much under examination. IS there such a thing as a "real me" etc, or just a bundle of repeated behaviours , none of which need to exist together , but have just been increasingly assumed to, and consequently encouraged to, go together. Like desire for hermit solitude needn't exclude party-animal acts! But often seems to in our society. "Consistency is required!! !"
Why is it so important to our soc to believe in a persisting ( fixed) subject/self? What is it that depends on this construct so much that people can be killed for not sticking to "their" groups expected behaviours?
Anyway, I don't know either if it is something ( a conflict or confusion ) experienced primarily by aspie/auties but it is something I totally relate to , and that is causing a fair amount of discussion generally.
Perhaps aspie perseveration might explain why aspies would notice it most because would persist even more in a certain behaviour once acquired, or mastered , it , and this would carry on far longer than is natural or healthy, whereas NTs might be more random ,less stuck on one style once "used".More able to change from day to day without feeling any inconsistency.
Perhaps it's aspies who created the fixed-ID" construct in the first place!! ! Perhaps it's aspies who, afraid of change , reacting fearfully to it ,have exerted the most pressure , on children and peers , to stay the same , to behave the same at all times!! !!
What a weird thought!!
Aspies as oppressors!??

It would be strange if the social conditions we experience as so often confusing and oppressive were actually the result/creation of previous aspies!! !
The invention of religious rules, the obsessive search for truth, the attention to detail leading to meticulous dietary rules for example.
The creation of categories , classifications and regulations.
The classis aspie mental activities imposed on society are put up with , bumbled around , by NTs, to whom it doesn't matter so much. But to us? AAArrrghg. What if the most oppressive notions about personalities, about authentic identities , were the productions of other aspies?! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

Thank you for giving me such a good insight on some of my doubts. My main interrogation was how to dissociate my biological self (how my brain fonctions since I was born), from the behaviors that were learned during my life... the eternal battle between nature and nurture. This was my point at finding the "real me". I come to realize that even if I have a very good understanding of human interactions, expressions and social abilities, my brain process the world in such a way that I will never be a "social king" ; even when I was an outgoing kid, I mainly distracted others from seing I was socially inadequate by making a "clown" of myself. A very good clown, but still a clown. Althought I can still cope better in social situations, I finally accept that I have my personnal limits at it.

In most social situations, I have a hard getting the "big picture" of whats going on, and how to behave accordingly. I have no problem with talking one-to-one with someone (althought my interests differ from average people) ; I can read their emotions pretty well and Im a good listener, mainly because I (or we aspies) are good at observing details. But in a social group, I have a hard time calculating who's interested by what, how I should act and how the persons around see me. It seems like Im sensory overloaded, as if there is just too much details to consider.

Ideas, thoughts and advices are still welcome, by the way! Thanks again!