New Member. Putting my problem on the table.

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I know people joined this website for some comfort, because that's what I did. I've living life like this for a while... Assuming most people don't care what I have to say. Thinking nobody 100% cares. That I'm relevant when I need to be. (The sentences are fragmented for affect. I am aware of my grammar) Saying to myself on a daily basis that this aspergers thing is the something made up;that all mental disorders are just things that we can control. Constantly beating myself (not literally) that my problems are things that I can fix and I have to fix it myself. Seems like an impossible way to have a decent quality of life. Of course there's more it than this. Life is incredibly complex.
The point I'm trying to make is I've been living like this for a while. A long while. I've gotten used to it. It's slowing eating at me, possibly with negative effects on the body. I recently picked up smoking cigarettes... and honestly? I kinda like it. Anyways, I'm not sure if all this is normal or if anyone will actually take the time to take this seriously and not talk to me in a condescending tone. I had to get this off of my chest.

Please don't take this as condescending. Smoking kills...and sometimes, it's not pleasant in the end.

My father is almost 84. He used to smoke 4 packs a day (packs cost around 35 cents in the 1960s, compared to at least $5.00 nowadays). He read the Surgeon General's report in 1964, he quit cold turkey. I doubt that he would have made it to 84 had he not quit.

There are lots of nice parts of Mississippi. I've seen pictures, but I've never been there.

It's not made up I promise. We can see anomalies in brain structures like amygdala etc. We cannot control mental disorders any more than somebody born with other physiological ailments can. Glad to see you here. You are not alone.

What is that metal thing in your avatar?

That is the back, rounded part, of a motorcycle rearview mirror. Noticed my reflection walking by

I had to read it a couple times before I understood what you were trying to say and I hope that I got some of it...

I completely understand what you are saying about not wanting someone to reply to you condescendingly and how you just try to 'fix' your issues yourself. I've been there my whole life too. I've never been diagnosed or even thought about a name or disorder or whatever for how weird I've always felt until my son was diagnosed and it got me thinking and my parents kept telling me how all his 'oddities' are just like me....

I've beat my head against a wall my entire life, wondering why I can't just make things work and be like everyone else. Well, socially, not actually wanting to be them. I think that we can improve things, but, at least for me, I don't see a 'cure' any time soon. While it's controversial, my belief in God is the only reason I decided to give life a chance and don't give up.

I've never smoked besides second hand, or done drugs or drink. To be perfectly honest my dad was a drug addict/alcoholic and my mom was addicted to cigarettes growing up. Not only did I experience some crazy stuff but the effects of the poison from the cigarettes gave me nosebleeds a lot when I was a kid and even now I have a hard time breathing and it raises my blood pressure when I'm around it. It's completely your choice, but if at all possible, maybe try some healthier habit that feels good?

Hey,

This is similar to what happened to me. I fought it and fought it and in the end just made myself very unwell.

These days my approach is to work with the autism and not to battle it. To view it as part of now I am not some external condition. To be 'autistic' not 'with autism'.

I have been working to get the right support and housing in place and it's helping. I have not regains my speech as I hoped I would but it is improving slowly.

Hope that helps,

Jamie + Lion