Codependency

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Although codependency (codependence) is not an "official" diagnostic category (DSM-IV-TR), I have been reflecting on the relationship between this condition, as it is described on various websites, and Asperger's syndrome. As best I can tell, they are almost polar opposites of one another. However, I would like to know what others think.

I took two codependency tests:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=4586846629366070282
and
http://www.journeyofrecovery.org/st-codependence.htm

Although neither test is scientific, I still found it interesting that I scored in the absolute lowest categories in both tests. In other words, at least as far as these two tests are concerned, I am not measurably codependent at all.

My guess is that most people with AS would have similar results, but I would be interested in seeing what you find. (My sister, who is not AS, defines herself as a codependent and attends a 12-step group for it.)

Cheers,

Mark

First test:
The Healthy One
You scored 50% Enabling, 35% Dependent, and 66% Stable!

Second test:
12 "yes"
If you answered “yes” to 6–12 statements, your life is shaped to a significant degree by the demands of needy people in your life. You often feel responsible for the choices others make, and you try too hard to help them make the right ones. You would benefit from the input of a competent counselor or support group.

The tests seem to contradict each other a bit. I don't think that I enable needy people at all. As a matter of fact, I have dropped friendships, because my friends enabled their husbands to be abusive, and i got tired of hearing about it. It may seem cold, but I don't want to hear it if you're not going to do something about it. Then again, I could've been taking the questions on the test too literally, as I often do.

The term is often used in terms of a drinker vs a non, very often husband vs wife. My wife is a co-dependent. It was set up in her a long time ago. I'm an ex abuser, not as in wife abuser, although my first might disagree. But even if that were true, it would have been well deserved and I should have done it more.

When my wife (SwampBlossom) and I first met, I was trying to be careful, not wanting to fall into what I thought was a co-dependent trap. I didn't want a "yes" person. That any choices I made were ok, just because I said they were. My wife will shoulder guilt over some trivial thing in a hot second if she thinks it could possibly go against what I thought was correct. She feels guilty as hell if she spends money on herself, to the point of when we first met, if she spent or even if I spent say 100 bucks on her (actually a lot less would set this off), she would actually break out in a hot sweat. Unfortantly she is getting over this. We have to stay on a constant vigil over this little thing. For a long time I thought I had set this up in her, not so, she came with it. I just didn't see it when we first met. Sex is one of our current issues, she is older then I, menopause, physical ailments which cause pain, which boils done to a lot of times she can't. If I suggest it and she can't, it sets off a guilt reaction in her. She would wait on me hand and foot if I let her and to a great degree I have fell very comfortably into this trap. I was never raised to be "waited on" and when we first met I was amazed there were people that would actually do such a thing.

I could go on for a long time on this. But in an attempt to boil it down. It works very well for us, as long as we keep an eye on it. That it doesn't go over board. We are functional in our dysfunction. We know it is there and we keep an eye on it.

I don't think too f*****g much of 12 stepper programs, so I won't go there. It can be worked on very easily without falling into that little trap. And that's just exactly what I think it is, a trap. Get dependent on the steppers, oh the irony.

I'm not sure about this, either the tests or the hypothesis. I took the tests . The cupid one , which I couldn't get results from without registering which put me off (!) would probably have given me a low score , but mainly because it was rather blatantly obvious ,especially in the second set of questions , what was considered the reasonable and healthy answer!! The co-dep options were expressed in such contemptuous ways it would have been difficult to agree with them!! ! The christian one gave me a medium score (9 Yes). Some difficulties, but still sense of proportion!!
However an article I read , linked in the Aspergers Resources thread on members only (?),actually suggested people with ASD were very likely to set up "partnerships" where one person plays the protecter/provider and the other the protectED/provided FOR, because it is a way of controlling personal interaction, assigning roles in this "complementary/dualistic way, which is reassuring to ASD sufferers. It reduces the amount of "fuzzy" data in their life. Apparently which role they're likely to pick depends on infancy stuff ( as usual) but that they are prone to it because it is "simpler" to relate in this way to someone!! I suspect that this impacts on sexuality too, but that's another subject.
This struck me as quite possible, and certainly explains the frustration I have felt at times with people I have particularly clicked with, that I seemed to have trouble seeing them outside that sort of framework.
And I will admit that "medium" co-dep does seem right.

I do not identify much with the twelve-step movement either. More than anything, perhaps it is the idea of "powerlessness" which turns me off. I suppose I don't think anyone is powerless.

Cheers,

Mark

Not being able to deal with people's disagreement might have more to do with black-and-white mentality of ASDs for whom disagreement threatens their own logic system , something which is terrifying and provokes terrible anger. How can someone be right if they disagree with me. My Dad has it in such spades, (ideas are his markers, his references and if you start moving them around ..........disorientation and panic! )and myself to an extent ,that it is only possible for us to enjoy anecdote and exchange of stories and so on. I accept that now.

I took the tests although I didn't need them to tell me I'm a codependent...my therapist already has established that fact. I am not an Aspie myself, but my husband, Postpaleo, is. What he has said about my codependency is all true but it goes much deeper than that. Of course we are polar opposites. We codependents tend to seek out those that we think need our help and can't live without us, and, we think Aspies fit that criteria just fine...naturally, we are wrong but that doesn't stop us from trying

It's been hard to teach this old dog new tricks but I think I have come a long way from the days when I was a complete door mat for my first husband. A lot of my 'codependent' behavior stems from the way I was raised, the era I was raised in and the rural area where I lived. Thank goodness I now have Postie who really understands the whys and wherefores of codependency and doesn't take advantage ( very often ) of my codependent tendencies.

I would suggest a series of books for you by Melody Beattie. The first is titled " Codependent No More". These books have not only helped me recognize my own behaviors but offers great advise on how to cope with my own behavior and others. It takes a lot of work and constant viligance but it's worth it, believe me.

There have actually been studies on AA. They only have about a 10% success rate. Some other 12-step groups, like Codependents Anonymous and Alanon, would require more subjective measures, so it would probably be difficult to evaluate success rates.

Cheers,

Mark

PS: I corrected the above from 90%. Oops.