Friendship and Aspergers?

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Hey, I have Aspergers.

And it's really difficult for me to make friends, mostly because I have no clue how to start/enter a conversation.

Does this have anything to do with my Aspergers?

And... does anyone have tips on entering a conversation without sounding like an idiot/like you were listening in, or any tips on starting a conversation without sounding like you're making a survey on people's "favorites list"?

Sorry for being a pest. (Aha! I knew I would say something like that on my first day!)

I would ask "hello, how are you?". Then talk about your interests and ask people about theirs.

Tim

Same issue.
There is someone who works somewhere I go to I want to start a conversation with but can I think of anything to say that doesn't sound stupid and inane? Nope.
So I walk past and generally don't even look at them, lol.
I mean, I wonder, do NTs even simply start a conversation with a stranger?
I need something to discuss...some event, some common observation. If only everyone had a dog lol.

I would do that, but every time I ask about someone's interests, it makes me feel like I'm saying something like...

"Hi! I'm conducting a survey! Can you tell me if you like Evanescence? Chameleons? Art? Do you like to write? Okay, thank you for your time!"

I think that might be my whole "I have low self esteem and think I always sound stalkerish, rude, or idiotic" thing.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm totally rejecting ideas here.

Let's use music as an example as icebreaker. What I tend to do is one of the following things:

- if I see a nice girl I want to approach and suddenly a nice song comes up (you can ask the DJ to play a specific band) then I see if the girl reacts by for example smiling, dancing, singing along... That is a sign that she also likes the band. Then I pretend that I don't know the name of the band and ask "excuse me, do you know what band this is?". That sometimes breaks the ice and then the conversation starts.

- if I see the girl is clearly interested in the same music as me (for example she wears a t-shirt of the specific band that I like as well) I approach her saying "where did you buy the T shirt? I am a big fan myself and have never seen the shirt before". If she replies, you can start conversation from there.

- or if the above tricks fail but I am really determined to get in touch: asking for the time, if she knows when the last bus comes, ... Less good icebreakers than shared interests, but at least the conversation starts.



This is just an example using music as icebreaker. If you have a different common interest, let's say paintings, you can ask the person if he knows the exact background or meaning of a certain artswork or painting, or if he knows when it was painted, or ...

The trick is to sometimes pretend you don't have the answers yourself. Asking someone for information can be less difficult to start a conversation than just going over to her and asking "do you like (name of band)?".



Apart from that, try to exchange email addresses. A lot of us Aspies find it easier to first talk to a person by email to get to know each other. To get someone's email address, just try a trick like "I have a live version of this song in MP3 format, if you give me your email address I will send it to you".



I am not saying the above tricks are guarantees for success (otherwise I would not be single anymore myself) but they do sometimes work. Good luck

i am biased in conversation! the other person is either going to be a good listener or walk away saying "wtf?"

You might develop a conversation (once you've covered the basics like "Hi, my name's Steve, who are you?") using prompts such as:

What do you do? (for a living, or however they choose to interpret it)

Where do you live? (as in, general area, not scary like what's your address!)

As an adjunct to the "Where do you live," question, you might ask where they originally came from (eg Birthplace/family location), and whether they miss their 'home'.

The crucial point is to think *on the fly*. That is, if they say they work for Microsoft (or whatever), ask them about their role in the company, what their job entails, whether they enjoy the work.

By this point, you are in the position of being able to ask about things such as their aspirations for the future (work, family, or otherwise), which can open up an enormous realm of possibilities to pursue further conversation.

Amonst this milieu of conversation, the other person is likely to reciprocate, asking you questions of a similar vein.

The key here is to try to rein in the typical AS tendency to monologue, and actually allow the other person to interject, and then even to switch back to asking questions about them again.

I have trouble keeping the few friendships I do have alive; out of sight, out of mind; if the other person doesn't make an effort, things just trail away to nothing. Too much of my world is internal, and I tend to spend most of my time there; which is not necessarily a bad thing, for my world is a very interesting place. But the collective package presents a picture that is hard on external relationships. Asperger's fault? Perhaps; I might also simply be insane; or, more accurately, everyone else is insane, and I'm the last normal; I suppose the situations are exactly the same sans semantics.

Good fortune,

- Icarus dreams the dreamer...

It's a Catch 22, but here goes.

My best icethawer (after the icebreaker, which is I guess just whatever random thing you can steal from the moment) is to ask people about themselves. Think of something important but not too personal about this individual, find a loose and open-ended way of inquiring about it, and then listening if that person chooses to open up. Most people are too self-involved to ask, let alone talk about anyone than themselves, and making people feel special even for a minute is a great way to get started.

But generally it won't work if:

1. It's transparent you're just using this as a conversation starter, or insicerity/opportunism/sychophantry to use other words, which people tend to loathe.
2. If you convey an impression that you are socially deprived and need this conversation in some way, or otherwise cross a threshhold of abnormality that would make someone hesitant to give personal details.

Sincere interest in the other person works more often than not. If you're like me and you're trying to learn life's lessons on the fly, you can always think of something positive about this person you can learn from, which can often be a great start in itself. But you're doing it because you sincerely want to know, and not because you're trying to hone your social skills using a trick you read about on a message board......and now we've come full circle.

This is one of many mind tricks you have to play on yourself to better navigate the NT world.

"Hi, I'm Ed" normally works for me but after that initial introduction the problems multiply exponentially until things spiral out of control, perhaps it's chaos theory, who knows.

Ed Almos

It is odd, but it IS a listed AS symptom! I think it is simply because we are looking for a logical break. "Hello my name is" or "How's the weather" just don't make sense. They basically mean "let's talk"

Sounds just like me. I'm kind of lost unless the other person is helping with the flow of the conversation-really actively doing it, or if I know how the conversation is supposed to go (work related, or whatever). Of course I *could* just randomly ramble on about an interest, but I try to never do that.

Unfortunately I have the same problem on the internet too. If someone just says "hello" or something and doesn't give me much to work with I don't know what I'm supposed to say/ask next.

After hello, I typically just say "how are you?" simply because that's what everyone else always says. I don't really care how they are doing or whatever, but it makes them talk more so I don't have to.

I refuse to use that "how are you" thing unless I actually want to know how they are, and I wish others would do the same. I actually had to be told that when someone asks you that they don't want to actually know. I was still telling people how the past week or so was going, anything significant that was happening when people asked until maybe 3-5 years ago.

I'm still very uncomfortable when people say that, because I'm not sure how to handle it exactly, or if I'm supposed to ask them it back-it's confusing to me, and I wish people wouldn't use that as some random expression!

Wolfpup - I hate when people say it to me because when they do, I feel like they want me to tell them how I'm doing and I don't want to go into that. I just use it as a defense mechanism because I know that people expect it. If I didn't use it, I'd just say hi and leave it at that. That would be a bit awkward, no? That's what we're trying to alleviate here.

By the way, did you ever get to your doctor and how did that go? I missed the thread and never heard. Did you ever mention where your doctor was? I'm still curious.

Yes, for me friendship does tend to be very difficult, in that I have trouble in being able to understand the thoughts of others. I take it this is a form of mind blindness as, it is called?Anyways, this is one of the difficulties I have along with being able to show empathy and other emotions in a way that does not cause hostility for the other person(s) involved..
Honestly, I often tend to be guarded when it comes to friendship for often more often than not I find myself being the butt of one's cruel jokes or simply being jerked.dragged, or played around with in a negative,harmful manner. I find it more comforting to be here along with fellow members of the autistic community as, I don't feel I'd be a victim of hurtfulness nor look like an idiot if, I don't get the gist of things in the NT world..

Professor X