AS and emotions/physical contact with those you care for

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Warning: Somewhat ranty

I've heard a lot of people say that people with AS often have trouble getting close to others. That's supposed to be both physically and emotionally, correct? So we all know we have trouble being close to those we're uncomfortable with. But what about those we are comfortable with? Like say, a significant other or parent? Not only do I have trouble being close to my fiance sometimes, but even my own mother. There are times when my fiance and I are talking, and I pretty much have to tell him to "back the f*** up" so I don't start freaking out. I feel really claustrophobic in this situation. With my mother, it's been painful for me to show physical affection to since I was about 13, it also happened as I was growing up, but less. I often feel really uncomfortable telling people I love them, especially when I know they love me. The more they care about me, it seems the more uncomfortable I am. If I can say it nonchalantly enough, say at the end of a phone conversation with my fiance, it's fine. But when we're cuddling on the couch, and he's playing with my hair, telling me how much he missed me while he was at work, it hurts to say "I missed you too".

I remember when I was like 15 and super extroverted toward random strangers (usually for some kind of shock value around... whoever) I had no problem telling random people I loved them. It's when others' really care for me that it's hardest.

I often have trouble feeling these emotions at all. Situations where I've hurt others, or others are hurting are really hard for me. I can't seem to be anything other than logical, monotone, and detached.

So not only do I feel like I often don't know how to react to closeness with people, it's painful for me to act accordingly when I do know. My fiance thinks I don't want to be close to him. My mom thinks I don't love her. I can't even say that I do. I don't know.

So if you have similar experiences to share, or advice, or know of some good articles relating to these subjects which may help me understand myself a little better... I'll love you forever

Hmm...I know it's been similiar for me. I have always had trouble feeling close to people who feel close to me. I often get told by significant others that I don't trust them. I have to always explain that it's really that I don't trust them for things that they think are trust. I trust them to come home at night and not to hurt me. Significantly bigger things on the scale of human existence. That's the main problem with current SO, I just fell out of being able to trust on some of my things and everything else has gone to hell. You get tired of feeling like you're having a stick poked at you, too.
So, is it hard? I found it unbearable hard for others to touch me in certain ways. Let current SO. Doesn't get it. Acts like it's not important. Move on. So what do you do when you trust your biggest issue to them and they poke the stick at it? You shut down and then get told you are emotionally distant and don't love them.
I think we just form attachments in different ways and those attachments are more based on our needs. For instance a friend recently pointed out that I have friends who caretake me in a certain way. If they can't do that job, then I am not interested in pursuing friendships with them. He's right!

I know what you mean. Growing up, whenever my mom said she loved me, I couldn't respond. I never hugged her back, either; if she hugged me, I would stand there for what I felt was an appropriate amount of time (maybe 4 seconds) and then back away.

At one point I forced myself to say, "Love you," to her, and then I FORCED myself to make it a habit, so whenever I said good bye to her in the mornings at school, etc., I would say, "Bye, love you!" But it had to be a HABIT, and it was never felt. This was when I was about 12 years old, up until I was 16 or so.

I never initiate hugs or anything, not even with people very close to me. When I said good bye to my sister at the airport the other day, she didn't hug me either, but our mom was looking at us funny, so finally I said, "Should we hug or something?" and then I forced myself to hug my sister for about 2 seconds, LOL. And I love my sister more than anyone or anything in the world!

I have trouble feeling and expressing emotions when I am WITH people. But if I'm back in my room at night, alone, I remember being with people and sometimes I think, "Wow, I really love this person a LOT!" But yeah, no way can I express it to them...

And yes, I sometimes feel like telling my friends to BACK UP! LOL.

I have trouble showing affection for family members and telling them I love them. I guess that's because my family was very emotionally cold. Sure, they provided me with food, shelter, and clothes, but it was as far as emotional stuff was concerned, I pretty much raised myself. So now, after I moved out, my parents started to feel this too. I talk to them regularly, but there's no real closeness in conversations, only informational stuff, such as "I'm healthy and I'm not going hungry". When I visit them, I accept hugs, but mainly because I know it's important to them.

I find affection a lot easier with strangers and people I just met. For instance, if a random girl offered me a hug (like that famous "Free Hugs" campaign a few years ago), I'd accept it with a smile, although I'd also check my pockets afterwards to make sure they haven't been picked. Ditto for dancing with girls in a club.

I love holding my bf - we've cuddled for upwards of 6 hours at a time. But for most others i'd much prefer they keep their hands off of me.

I do somewhat enjoy when the little kids come up and hug me but i also have the "their little germ factories" in the back of my mind.

I always wished that more of my family would be like this. I've never felt that strong family bond, and to me, family are just people to me. There's good ones, there are bad ones, they're just people. I feel that familial obligation towards them still... to tell them that I'm alive and well. But I just don't like feeling like I need to go birthday/Christmas shopping for everyone in the family tree, and I don't expect them to do the same for me.

I think I might be even worse than you. When asked whether or not I love my parents, I don't even know if I could answer that question. I know I'm supposed to love them, but I'm not even sure that I do. I don't hate them either, but I have difficulty expressing affection for them if they did something for me.

I was never affectionate as a child, I never told my parents, sister that I loved them and would not hug them ect. Teachers I would tho .

Even today I cant do it as an adult, and I dont think my family understands why I dont do this they know I love them, I just cant show it. I have a girlfriend and even with her I can express myself the way I think she wants me to, its really difficult cause it just feels wrong even tho everyone else knows its right.

This is one of the things that I have found myself thinking about. Knowing the reason why I don't say these things at all, I worry about how this comes across. I don't know what is the required amount of love you have to give.

My ex (and first proper) girlfriend left me because I was showing too much too soon. Yet I know that if another girl came along, the same would happen. I would be told I don't show enough emotion to her, then I would show too much, and then she would freak out. They get upset and I'm like what?

Kudos to those of you who have someone for staying with them and not messing it up like I know I would. I know we're all different in various ways, but still.

Girls who have called me crazy over the years: 12, enough to start believing them.