Homecoming dance

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My son is in his senior year of HS. He is undiagnosed, but I know he is an Aspie (who like Oregon Becky's teen also loves, D&D, Warhammer, gaming).

His school is having a homecoming dance tonight. and all the other neighbor high school students dates and parents are gathering at a house across the street to take pictures, and send their kids off to dinner and the dance. This is so sad for him to watch.

My son has asked 10 girls to go to his last homecoming dance and been turned down each time. It is getting very discouraging for him (and mom and dad).

Any words of encouragement for him from those of you men that have been through this and come out fine on the other side?

It is much appreciated.

Elena

Maybe he shouldn't care so much about homecoming.

Last edited by Mw99 on 28 Oct 2007, 5:07 am, edited 2 times in total.

Words of encouragement? Hmmm, that's a toughie, at least for me. I finished high school having attended only the handful of dances that had exceptional bands playing at them. I never asked a girl to any of them, nor did I ask any girl to dance with me at any of them. I didn't go on my first date until I was 22 or 23, and I have never gone on any since then.

Despite that, I somehow wound up with a number of girlfriends over the years, as well as having gotten married a couple of times. I've been with wife #2 for 12 years, but we're still on our honeymoon, and wondering whether we'll ever get around to having our first argument.

So I guess if I had any words of encouragement, it would be to not worry very much about high school dances. Knowing that things are likely to get MUCH better later on may not be the ideal consolation, but it's something. And I really have nothing positive to say about what it's like to be an aspie in high school, that is very close to my own personal vision of hell. You don't enjoy it, you just endure it, do your best to survive until it's over.

You might consider the possibility of a diagnosis, or at least a little education on the subject. Had I known, as a teen, that I was an aspie, it would have made some sense of my life, instead of leaving me thinking that I was an isolated freak of nature. I would have loved to know that there were others like me, whose happy and productive adult lives I could have looked to for encouragement. Not to mention knowing that there were females like me out there! That would have been the best possible news.

Thanks for your replies.

I've been toying with whether or not to mention Aspergers to him and help him look into it. He knows he is different, he's bright and pretty self-aware, but I don't want to open a Pandora's box and make him feel that he is labeled.

Some people do better with diagnosis, some do worse. I'd love to hear other opinions on those that were undiagnosed until adulthood.

Elena

My son was not diagnosed until the age of 24, but he is not interested in dating. His reason being is that he would rather be friends with girs, that way he says none of them get mad. The only problem was that all of these girl's boyfriends did not like my son being friends with their girls. What my son went through in high school has caused him such pain, that he is still not able to talk about it and hopefully through counsiling will one day come to terms with the ignorance of others.

When my son went to events, I found out later, that even though he would tell me that he had a great time and would tell me things that went on, he was only a bystander, by himself, watching everyone around him and not knowing how to be part of it.

As a parent I felt heartbroken and sad that my son was having these problems, so I started doing things that other kids would come to our home and we would have planned activities that was done in a group. One was movies till dawn, pizza, popcorn. This way it was done as a group activity and there was no pairing off or small groups of people but the whole group together.

Other times we would have a baseball game with the teams being chosen by counting 1-2-1-2 with me pitching and being the umpire. This way there was no being picked last and the rules were everyone played and no one complained or they were the catcher for both teams.

It is hard and my heart goes out to you. It is hard watching other kids and families making plans and your child is never invited or included. I always made a big deal for my son, took pictures, and never pointed out to him that he was not included. If your child says something about other kids going somewhere and meeting before hand then say that is nice, do not dwell on it because then you are pointing out that he is being left out. No comment is better than a negative one.

You did not say if your child told you about the other kids meeting, or is you are the one that found out of the planned meeting of the other children. I never dwelled on my sons differences or non inclusion, but everyday I would ask him about his day, and everytime we left each other I always said, I love you and I will see you when you get home, have a good day.

I think it's better if you don't tell him that he has AS. Everyone reacts differently to the news that they have AS, but at least in my case I have been feeling very hopeless and depressed after I diagnosed myself with AS. Let him figure out on his own that he has AS. Also, be very understanding of his condition. Don't make him feel like the bad guy (the way my family always made me feel) and please don't dismiss his opinions regardless of how pointless/stupid they may seem to you.

I did not attend a single dance in high school either.

Mw99 raises a good point, not everyone is happy when they find out they're an aspie.

There have been a number of threads (dozens?) which touched on how people felt about their diagnosis, here is the first one I happened to dig up. It's not the greatest example, but will give you some idea about how a dozen or so of us responded to the news.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt46393.html

Had a chance to go (with a date). Skipped it. Have never regretted doing so, and doubt I ever will. I'd much rather be dropped in the wilderness with a pocket knife and a magnifying glass with the mission to just survive.

Good fortune,

- Icarus only dances when nobody is watching...

But if your son knows he's AS then things will make more since to him and maybe he won't feel so freakish. I found out about me having tourettes sydrome and learning disabilities when I was in college. Before then I just felt like I was some weird stupid person. It was a great weight off my shoulders when I found out.

I appreciate the support and information. I guess this too will pass. Dad and I try to not make a big deal of his "eccentricities". That's all parents can do, is provide love, boundries, support and hope for the best. But it is hard to watch, knowing how he is perceived by his peers and how hard he tries to be one of the gang.

He worked with a male therapist when he was in elementary school (boy was that ever a nightmare for him!) and this therapist had a "group" of boys (from 10-13) who met each week. I would say 60-80% of these young men were Aspies and the leader made this group a safe place for these kids to interact with peers and learn social skills without the teasing and bullying of school. I wish the group still existed, but most of the "boys" (now young men) have moved away or gone to college. I've tried to get my son to see this therapist again, more to talk than to be "fixed". This man never, of course, told us of their conversations, but I think he was a good sounding board for our son and our son's life was much easier at school after his work with the therapist and the group.

Now that he is 18 he feels that seeing a therapist means there is something wrong with him. Obviously, mom and dad aren't objective and can't observe him and his problems from arms length, but I wish there was someone he could talk with/confide in who could help him navigate the world that is young adulthood.

My wish for him is the ability to live his life as he chooses and be able to get an education, pursue his passion, function in his world, support himself comfortably and be at peace (as much as any of us are at peace with our lives).

Oh well, a day at a time!

Elena