How to understand feelings?

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I went to my psychologist and I was fiddling with my key chain, so during our conversation I wasn't looking at her
She wanted me to look at her.....but I didn't because I'm too concentrated with my key chain
I told her:
'I can't be bothered looking at you right now because I'm busy with this'
(Maybe what I should've said was 'I can't look at you right now because I'm busy with this'....would that even make a difference?)

She told me that she was hurt because of what I said
I didn't mean to hurt her though, I didn't know what I said was hurtful

I've done this with my mom as well
I said hurtful things to her in the past without meaning to hurt her.....I just plainly state the obvious
Then she would cry.....

But I didn't say 'sorry' because I didn't know what I did wrong or if I said something wrong

I know that I have to say sorry because that's what you supposed to do when you make someone cry, right?
But I still didn't say it because I didn't know HOW.....I have difficulties in expressing sympathy

My brother once said that I 'can't understand other people's feelings'
Maybe he's right......I can, to an extent, describe other people's feelings but I'm not sure if I can really understand them...more so, react to them...maybe I lack empathy

How do you understand the feelings of others and know what to do?

She was probably feeling ignored. People don't like to feel ignored. They like to feel they matter to the person they are talking to or that they are being heard. That the other person is interested. By looking at your key chain instead of looking at her you made her feel you were not interested in interacting with her and that is what hurt her feelings (I think...).

Looking at her signals interest...and tells the other person you are listening to them. This is fine. It's natural and is not the same as the thing I complain about where people are overly absorbed in their ego and self. Not enjoying being ignored is normal and being ignored is often used as a form of punishment to hurt someone. There is nothing wrong with wanting the person you are talking to to acknowledge you or pay attention to you and is not the same as self absorption.

Ignoring someone in some instances can be a bullying tactic. It can be used as a way of showing disrespect or disdain for the other. It can also mean the other person is distracted and not interested in what the other person is saying. Or it could just mean the person is lost in their own thoughts for personal reasons (perhaps something distressing has happened and they are struggling with it) and does not mean to be rude or hurtful. It can mean any number of things depending on the context and other factors involved.

People will tell you it has one meaning but the meaning is often context dependent which is why socialising can be so complicated. If there were just one meaning that applied across the board social interaction wouldn't be so complex.

I don't make eye contact well but more because I feel uncomfortable than anything.

i think you psychologist was trying to make a point. i doubt you actually hurt feelings unless she knows nothing about how autistic people operate.

What you say doesn't matter, it how you say it and your tone of voice

i'm with you, you were just stating a fact. it's not like you said something like "you're ugly and stupid". I really hate this thing with wording and tone of voice. i don't know if i'll ever catch on to that.

I think your psychologist was trying to lead by example, she's likely picked up on the possibility you're on the autism spectrum and probably wanted you to acknowledge her line of reasoning than to consistently look directly at her. I think she sought to help by subtly telling you others don't need to know such private details about what you're thinking, psychologists see much worse things in their careers than a little apathy. I doubt very much she would be a psychologist if she were truly phased by that, I think she sought to provide an example of how people might react outside of a clinical setting. It's not that I try anymore to internally understand and experience the feelings of others, I just make all the effort I can to accept that I often can't identify my own feelings, in turn making others' feelings unclear. This releases some of the anxiety that can make polite responses difficult to phrase, at least for me.

In the psychological diagnostic standard manual V, this condition is known as Alexithymia, I self-diagnosed it here with a little help, but my psychologist backed me up. From the looks of things, you may fit into this definition but Autism Spectrum & quite a number of other conditions are associated with the idea of 'mind blindness'.

For example, avoiding eye contact is a much more normal thing than most people care to admit, it's usually stereotyped as something aspies like me do, exclusively. All you need is bus fare to prove this assumption incorrect; Autism is directly in line with the neurology of the rest of humanity, but it gained in prevalence in modern times, likely as an adaptation to the things and rules people build when they collectively decide to.

The good news is that by practicing a policy of trying to have more thought-provoking discussions than refusals of others' requests, you can help show them that you really were just confused all those times you might have confused them or let them down.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Asking questions. Asking why they feel that way, why are they hurt, why did they take offense, what was so wrong with what you did.