Handling Crisis! Please Advise.

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I am at a total loss as to how to handle a situation that is really traumatic and desperate.
My sister in law, who is just 20 years old, was diagnosed on Sunday with leukemia. We found out today it is acute myeloid leukemia, which only has about a 35% survival rate. I am terribly worried and upset of course. My husband is having a really hard time, as is her mother and family.
I went to visit with her in the hospital and made a fool of myself. I didn't know what was okay to say and what was not so I said a bunch of silly things that made no sense. Luckily she had just received sleeping medicine so she probably doesn't remember much.
I don't want to seem unsupportive, uncaring, or rude. What do I do? What kinds of things should I say? I am horrible at this in a normal situation. She is very ill, very weak, and in a lot of pain, and, I am sure, very frightened. I want to somehow let her know how I feel about her as a person (she is the kind of girl I always looked up to and envied; very poised and confident and intelligent), how I feel about what she is facing and the strength with which she is enduring all of this. She has remained so optimistic and calm that it boggles the mind. It is as if she has made the decision she WILL be one of the 35% and beat the odds. I cannot say this to her. I am terrible at expressing emotions.
As for "chatting" when I visit with her next, what things are okay? What do I do? How can I read someone who's mask of pain and exhaustion and illness covers the little I could have read were she well? Please advise me on what to do!! !
BTW, she knows nothing of my diagnosis and I fear it would be wholly inappropriate to discuss it with her now. She does not need my burdens on her.

this is what i have learned over the years:

ask her how she is feeling, and then let her talk, don't ask too many pressing questions about specifics (although we all love specifics and want to know them)

ask her if she needs anything, get it if she does

possibly ask her how her days are going, what she does, how she occupies her time while in the hospital... maybe ask her if you could bring something from home for her to do in her spare time

if there are other people in the room, listen to what they talk about and talk about those same subjects

this is some advice that i've learned over the years. it's worked pretty well for me. and you don't have to tell her that you are an aspie, theres nothing wrong with simply saying, "i'm sorry if i say something innapropriate for the situation, i'm not sure what you're comfortable talking about. i'm not used to situations like this" and then see what she says.

good luck!

Don't say anything. You can quietly hold her hand. You can file her fingernails and lotion her hands.
This is about her and not your performance.
You could read a novel to her in bits and pieces. I read "The Mockingbird" (?) to one friend in the hospital. You could bring in a movie and watch it with her.
You could rub her feet.
You could go through family picture albums with her.
Is there something at her home or family that she frets about that you could take care of for her, like returning library books or making sure the dog is walked.
You could help her write letters.
Maybe you could bring in music for her to listen to.
You could comb her hair.

I think that you should write her a letter expressing exactly what you did here. I think it was a hugely fantastic sentiment that you shared and I think that she would appreciate it. Maybe just preface it with the fact that you are hugely uncouth when it comes to saying the things that you want to express to others. So, you just thought it would be nice to write to her. Also, when you are sick in hospital for long periods of time, it is nice to look at cards that people have written for you especially on days that you are feeling particularly badly.

Can you make a scrapbook for her with letters or notes or cards that people have sent to her. I do this a lot in difficult situations. I make a memory book or scrap book for them. The beautiful gift takes the focus off of my inept social awkwardness.

The fact that you want to be physically present outweighs anything you might do or say while you are there - with the caveat that it's probably best to avoid boisterous conversation, bringing in small active children, or anything else that is an energy drain.

I was also thinking of reading aloud, as lelia mentioned.

Always a tough one.

Hi! Got time for a flakey sister in law? Then in a fake whisper, I have a file and hacksaw in my purse, and a car outside, say the word and I will lock the nurse/guard in the closet.

My last friend in that shape was mostly thinking about how the world would get by without him. He kept his dogs, but knowing that his five year old really loved me, he gave her to me. Thirteen years ago, she is in college Billy! Big Kid!

When outcomes are in doubt, people mostly do not think of themselves, and the simple and common become valueable. Her husband is taking this hard, so if she wants the plants watered, the gold fish fed, you could be useful.

There will be enough emotional reactions, everyone she knows toward her, and her having to deal with it, her feelings, her health, bad time to learn medicine.

I do well as an aspie, a lack of emotional response. Wreck your car, blood everywhere, and I will still talk in a flat monotone, treat you like your mother, patching the leaks, treating you like a child of mine. and keeping you talking. Did you have legs before you crashed? Yes, that good, I wondered where they came from, two, and not broken from the looks of them. Did you have a cut on your forehead? No, well you have one now, a little inch long smile. I think you should have someone look at that.

You have nice eyes, and both pupils are the same size. I would not move them unless they are in danger, no water, but a wet rag on the face, the neck, and keep talking. The shock of something happening is often worse than what happened, and it can be sidetracked. It does not seem to differ if it is accident, or sudden medical condition, people can pull back till they just quit.

Keeping it normal, flakey for you I am sure, and keeping them responding to life, keeping the person in the body going. Everyone wants to think of her, ask what you can do with your brother. She has been keeping him as a pet, and he can never find his socks. These are the things people think of.

Most show up like a funeral, greaving, which does not help the living to watch them practice.

This must be very tragic for you and your family, how do you think she feels?

The best thing you can do is be just as you always have, the world has changed enough for her, be your same boring self, it's important.

She will want to hear the things people will not tell her, the day to day news, things that have nothing to do with her, her condition, just family gossip. Sorry as it is, this is the life she has to fight to regain. She may live, or die, but this is her world till the end. Keep her in it.

I have just come from visiting your wife in the hospital, she gave me a message for you, tomorrow is Tuesday, put out the garbage.

Our lives are little things with meaning beyond the things.

Not even dying can affect humans sense of play and humor. When my friend was in his last days, I took him out to buy cigarettes, the last of normal life to the end. Back in the car, I told him those things would kill him, he laughed all the way home.

You need to protect this person from yourselves. She needs her energy to cope. Just be yourself, and if she wants something, she will ask, if she wants to talk you will be there,

Being aspie is a plus, they always look sad, never smile, no fake emotions. It is the best support she could hope for.

Thank you for the tips...a little more advice please.
She is in isolation. We can see her, but she is not even allowed cards, gifts, or flowers right now because the germs may ride in on them. Unless I can buy a sterile book for her...
I cannot go see her right now anyways. I am very sick and the last thing she needs is my germs around!
Thank you again. I was worrying I'd upset or hurt her or annoy her but maybe you are right in that she won't be thinking that way right now.

Maybe you can bring her things that you know she'd absolutely love having around her. Things that are more of the nurturing kind - like some gentle aromatherapy oils (rose, lavender or geranium), a book of prayer and inspiration, a beautiful plant, a calendar with healing affirmations, a goody bag with all comforting things - teddy bear, journal, music etc.) You can be her comforter on so many levels - that don't necessarily have to be verbal directly to her - you can smile and you can tell her you're praying for her absolute and speedy recovery. You can set up a website for her healing and have people send in their loving wishes - then show it it to her. You can bring her bottled water - the good kind - with bright ribbons and a small loving message on the label. It infuses the water with good energy.