The wall up between me and other people.

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autisticstar
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09 Nov 2007, 11:30 am

I have often felt as if there is a wall up between myself and other people and I have to wonder if anyone else feels the same way. It feels like there is some kind of shield up around me that prevents me from making connections the way most people do. I do have friends but for some of them, particularly the NT's, it just feels like there is this barrier that I somehow cannot cross. I'm just now coming to terms with this after a lifetime of trying so hard to crash through that barrier and failing. I sometimes feel like perhaps I have a richer inner world as a result of it, but I don't mean to say that I am superior to others but just different. I'm tired of pretending and have decided that I can no longer fight who I am. Sometimes it is a very lonely place to be but all of the pretending has taken a huge toll on me. The ironic thing is, I wasn't really fooling anyone anyway. I just wondered if it is a common way for people on the autism spectrum to feel.



Wolfpup
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09 Nov 2007, 12:20 pm

I could probably describe what I have as a wall of a sort. I'm just not socially connected, don't know how to be (even at work people are talking to each other sometimes and I'm left out of that).



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09 Nov 2007, 12:29 pm

Yep, same here, and always has been. I am in the same room as other people but they are all connected with each other & I am not.



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09 Nov 2007, 12:37 pm

I don’t see it as a wall that I’m behind as much as I see myself stuck in a Plexiglas cube. I can see what’s going on around me, but I can’t really interact with anyone properly. Or I have the visual of me sitting in a corner of in my own little world and being content with the situation. Every once in a while I manage to turn around and yell out, “What’s going on over there?!” And someone is nice enough to give me an update on things.



autodidact
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09 Nov 2007, 12:54 pm

Yes. You've just completely described how I feel. Connecting with others is very hard. All you can do is be yourself. Sure, there are people who will hate on you but if you value others (and life) you will find others who'll value you. It won't be easy but nothing that's worth it is easy (cliche, but so true :) ).

All we can do is keep trying. People who somehow find the will to keep going despite the pain that they feel are my heroes. This goes double if those same people can help others that are having a harder time with life than they are.

The world (or rather our culture) seems pre-dictated by the assumption that it is healthy and just to force our will's on other people. look at the so-called heroes in most movies. They overcome their obstacles by using violence. This whole 'good-guys vs. bad guys' mentality is pathetic and is always used by our leaders as justification for war etc..

If you think about it, our culture is always lead by the least among us; the least intelligent, the least compassionate, the least artistic. It's the individual voices, the ones that society ridicules that are often the most worthwhile.


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09 Nov 2007, 1:24 pm

Yes, Austisticstar, you have described something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I still don't know for sure if I have AS or not, but I have always felt disconnected from others. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all, and sometimes I feel desperately lonely, because of it. In a room full of people I always feel alone, and I suspect that it's always going to be this way. If I look around I notice that others seem to not have this problem. They have this emotional/social connection that I would love to be able to feel, even just for a second. It gets so bad in some situations that to me it sounds like everyone else is speaking a foreign language. All their words literally run together, and I can't understand any of it.



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09 Nov 2007, 2:09 pm

Not only do I feel the same way but I think you phrased it in a way I might not have been able to myself. I don't really know how to break through that wall.


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Go_lightly
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09 Nov 2007, 2:55 pm

autisticstar wrote:
I have often felt as if there is a wall up between myself and other people and I have to wonder if anyone else feels the same way. It feels like there is some kind of shield up around me that prevents me from making connections the way most people do. I do have friends but for some of them, particularly the NT's, it just feels like there is this barrier that I somehow cannot cross. I'm just now coming to terms with this after a lifetime of trying so hard to crash through that barrier and failing. I sometimes feel like perhaps I have a richer inner world as a result of it, but I don't mean to say that I am superior to others but just different. I'm tired of pretending and have decided that I can no longer fight who I am. Sometimes it is a very lonely place to be but all of the pretending has taken a huge toll on me. The ironic thing is, I wasn't really fooling anyone anyway. I just wondered if it is a common way for people on the autism spectrum to feel.


Yes. That is a common way for people on the autism spectrum to feel.
Like an invisible bubble.
Like the bubble boy. Without the plastic.



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09 Nov 2007, 6:15 pm

I have always felt as if there was some weird barrier between myself and others. These days I feel more as if it's down to just being around my heart. But there are days that I get overwhelmed with input and wonder why I can't go back to those days of being able to put the wall up when I need the insulation. I spent a lot of time trying to break the walls down between me and others, and now it's hard to put it back up. But I sure miss being crouched behind the wall hiding from others and able to view them without them noticing me. There was a cloak of invisibility that I could hide inside. Now, I can't. Not as easy as I used to anyway.


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Kalister1
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09 Nov 2007, 6:25 pm

Yeah, thats exactly how I feel.
Especially when the other person is particularly shy.



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09 Nov 2007, 6:28 pm

I've felt that way, but only in the last few years. I used to be much more open. I can talk to people pretty easily, and people seem to warm up to me, but I never really feel a connection to them. I wonder if it's something about me (my brain is screwed up/I'm overly protective) or if it's the people I usually meet. I'm kind of odd, so I don't meet many people that I relate to. When I do, though, I don't have as much of a problem with the box/bubble/wall.



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09 Nov 2007, 9:27 pm

I feel strong connections with dogs. Why is connecting to my own speices so much harder?


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CentralFLM
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09 Nov 2007, 9:35 pm

The social ability that most NT people take for granted is something that we can't really have. We can try and try hard, but if your blind can you really try hard and eventually see. These social abilities (in the frontal lobes of the brain, don't function for us. The ability to make social connections for NT people is like walking to most of us. You just do it. We shouldn't have to "try", but we do and get exhausted trying. It sucks and I am very familiar with that wall. I see it as being outside of the bubble that everyone else is in.



Spot17
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10 Nov 2007, 12:12 am

I've always seen it as my own giant hamster ball. I'm not joking, by the way...

That feeling of constant isolation is so frustrating, especially when you're surrounded by people everyday. It's like being adrift in the ocean after your ship sinks - you're dieing of thirst and surrounded by water that you can't drink.



autodidact
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10 Nov 2007, 4:13 pm

OregonBecky wrote:
I feel strong connections with dogs. Why is connecting to my own speices so much harder?


:D I really relate to that!


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12 Nov 2007, 2:46 pm

autodidact wrote:
OregonBecky wrote:
I feel strong connections with dogs. Why is connecting to my own speices so much harder?


:D I really relate to that!


Me too.