Too Picky

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I used to be so desperate for friends I didn't care who they were; and yet I couldn't, so I assumed I was "below" their level. But finally I have realized that there actually are people like me out there. Who at the same time as you are thinking, wow, I had no idea anyone else felt that way as well.

But here is the problem; I'm not in a steady spot right now, I've lost those friends. This summer I had a girlfriend who was much like me--but we broke up, and she has grown up her whole life being "different", but with friends and family who were the same. Because she had support, she didn't care what other people thought. I grew up caring way too much. Now I don't anymore at all, but the damage was done for so long that it is still there.

I view myself not as different being below others, but different being above. And there enters the problem: I can be very judgmental towards people, the people I think of as sheep. The sheep held me back so long, and now I am watching sheep run around happy and oblivious. I obsess at times over analyzing people, their silliness or shallowness, lack of intelligence, etc. It's almost as if I take other peoples faults in a personal way. And of course that doesn't make sense if they didn't hurt you. It should just be, ok, that person is stupid or silly, it doesn't affect me though.

As of right now, I am very lonely, doing my final term of college abroad. Only a couple more weeks here. The people around me pretty much decided not to invite me into their social group, I'm pretty sure they do not like me--which is odd, because growing up it was always my perception that I was unlikeable simply because my shyness made me an easy target to pick on, but once I got confident, I was amazed that people think I am really awesome, smart, and funny. But now for some reason I think that they don't like me--only this time I do not take it personally. I care, but not because my feelings have been hurt, but simply because I need someone to distract me from my thoughts.

And yet, just knowing there are people like me makes me bitter that the sheep prevented me from even getting stable enough that I could find that social group. If I had my own group, I wouldn't have to analyze the people around me, I could just ignore them.

I relate to this all too well. I wanted friends as a child but didn't know how to obtain and keep them. I'd move from one group to another trying to make friends, only to leave after I've been harassed or physically hit.

I wonder if I just didn't look in the right places.

My experience was much like that. As a child I thought for sure there was something wrong with me, I wanted lots of friends but they all thought I was strange. As I grew up and I started to realize that there wasnt anything wrong with me I was just different, I found that all of a sudden it was easy to get friends by the bucket load. Like you said, most of them are like sheep, and fairly easy to manipulate.

The problem was, that all that manipulation was a lot of work, was taking up too much time, and was causing me to be overwhelmed and melt down far to often.

I have, through the years, collected a little group of close friends who understand me. They understood me before this diagnosis and it doesnt change a thing.

I have to admit I still go out and pat the sheep on the head once in awhile, when I need something to keep my mind occupied.

I have been known to be EXTREMELY picky about friends, girlfriends, and people in general. I see the tiniest flaws in people and blow them way out of proportion. There was a time when I basically had no friends because I thought I was so perfect and special that none of the stupid, evil people I knew were good enough for me. I also became very paranoid that everyone was out to get me, using me, thought I was crazy and/or weird, etc., but that's sort of another topic.

Right now, my social life is thriving, because I finally realized that yes, I too have flaws and that no one is perfect. You just have to weigh the good against the bad and determine if you enjoy spending time with a given person based on that. My best friend is a highly flawed person, and we have several major differences. I like to plan my activities, and he likes to do everything on the fly, moment to moment. He disrespects his girlfriend all the time, even in front of me, which I can't stand. He also dominates me socially in that we listen to his music 99% of the time, watch what he wants to watch, etc., but you know what, despite all of that, I love him so much because we have fun together, we can talk about anything, and I know that he cares for me just as I do for him. In fact, I think the fact that we so clearly see each other's flaws is part of what makes us so close.

Try not to think about people in terms of black and white, good and bad. We are all shades of gray. We all have the capacity for love, but also the capacity for hate, deceit, etc. Find people you enjoy spending time with, love them, and proceed to enjoy spending said time with them

I don't know if it has to do with being picky or not, but I often flock to the strangest people or the ones with the most interesting things to say. I hate college because it seems everyone's brain gets burnt out in class, and they don't really want to indulge in any mentally stimulating conversations by the time class is over. So I don't really get that out of any of them, though I can see in class many are perfectly capable, lol. If I try, it just annoys them or they walk even more quickly out the door, lol.

"And yet, just knowing there are people like me makes me bitter that the sheep prevented me from even getting stable enough that I could find that social group."

That's my number 1 source of bitterness in life. That NTs ruined my life (starting with my immediate family) that I never had the stability to find my kind and forget about the rest.

I find it difficult 2 make friends but at da same tym i can b very picky as sometyms i want tings 2 b perfect n as i have been single 4 all me life i can b very picky about which type of gal i would go out wid.