The key to unhappiness

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Lately I've felt very pressured, I go to college and at the same time I have to work, and I have to do other things. It has started to happen that I feel this anxiety rushes, I feel anxious all of a sudden and apparently from nowhere. I think this is because I've been under stress for quite some time, and I havent been able to rest. I've been very focused on achieving some goals. And in this process I've felt mostly unhappy.

All this has made me rethink my life and life of others in general. What makes a person happy? I think it mostly comes down to relativity. Although we are all humans and we want in general the same things (e.g. a teenager wants freedom, a couple etc., an adult wants a nice job, good family, etc.), there is always relativity in our lifes, and the reason is we only live life through our own perspective. So when we are very hungry, a good sandwich might make us happy; when we have lived in a one room house for 10 years, a two or three bedroom house might make us happy; when someone hasn't enjoyed the love of his mother, any love demonstration by her will make him immensely happy.
Then what's wrong in our societies? I think we have forgotten this simple principle about relativity. But also our media has taught us that there is an specific way our life is supposed to be. In our occidental societies we think our life is supposed to go one way. For example in American society you are supposed to go to school, make friends, join sports team or some club, then have a gf/bf, travel around, then have a good job, marry, make your job better, have children, etc. All this is supposed to happen. We are also supposed to be healthy, and our relationships are supposed to be happy most of the time. That's what we see on TV since we are toddlers, 'life is like that', and when we grow up we expect all these things from life and more. We dont expect less, and if we do get less (which happens most of the time) we feel cheated. We have a real feeling that we have been cheated.

But who's to blame? Our parents, our society, God? What could you tell God if you interviewed with him? "God, you have cheated me, I want a refund and a new great life". But the truth is no one really promised us anything. If someone promised us something was the media, and society to a degree.

Then it comes aspergers of course. I think everyone has asked himself/helself at some point: "Why me?". But the obvious question comes right along: Why not? There are people who have all other kind of diseases, there are a lot of syndromes besides aspergers, and there are diseases in general as there are stars in the sky. If we hadn't had aspergers maybe we would have had heart imperfections? maybe allopecia? or maybe we would be missing a leg? maybe hearing problems, etc.

The bottom line of this is that we live in a society where there are many expectation, and very little acceptance and understanding. We have created a society which only expects and demands, with a lot of 'it is supposed that..', 'I was supposed to', 'They were suposed to..'.
A mexican nobel prize winner said that we live in the illusion of security. We really believe that things are supposed to be a certain way, and if they arent we feel cheated. Occidental society is built that way, and we bash our heads again and again against the reality of things. We have created standards of perfection that are simply not realistic, but everybody goes along pretending everything is perfect and there are no contradictions.

I think every aspie has felt this sensation of being cheated. At least I know I have felt this at times. I think we should rethink what the media is producing and teaching people. A big source of unhappiness has roots in this false expectations of our lives. But really life is the way it is because is just like that.


Sooo, what really made me post this is this. I think we aspies feel we are like chasing a train. We see other people make friends, get a girlfriend, do well in the work and with the people they work etc. Sometimes we take more time to get to this things, and we feel bad about it. But really the problem is mostly focus; its the problem of relativity. How can we push so hard ourselves when we know that we, one way or another, have a disability? As said, things are relative. And if it takes us more time to get to some things its only natural; or at least thats what i think. But we always measure our success in relation to others. And how can we live that standard that the media and the society expects from us? Not even NT people can live up to that most of the time.
The result is unhappiness, because we are always reaching for something that always keeps going farther and farther away at the same time we try to reach it more and more.

Maybe if our society was more built around this sense of relativity, and more around realistic expectations, we would live in a much better place. For now I guess that we aspies focusing things from this perspective could help us a lot. Maybe we would feel less guilty, and less pressured all the damn time; or feeling like we were hanging with one hand at the tail of a flying airplane (as a dream i had).


and well, thats that, i wasnt expecting this rant to be so long but oh well. I just hope its clear because i really 'jumped' topics in some places.

the feeling , not exactly "cheated" but as if it's not turned out the way it was supposed to; i know that too. The number of times i have thought "what happened to that house with a garden and a spare bedroom, and the circle of professional friends to dinner once a week at big dining table, and the holiday abroad every year, or even two, and the career in something intelligent ?!" ( it was going to be psychotherapy when was 14 )
And I've asked people about it, said where is that house with the garden? And my sister said the only people she knows with that are people whose life choices she's not so keen on,( she'd never say she didn't like the people, she's too nice!!), bankers, property investors, finance and hi-tech polluting industry etc etc.
But at same time apparently everyone is feeling it, as if not got what was supposed to.
When i walk past, or am driven past houses with windows onto lawns, and driveways ( driveways!!), and with big sitting rooms devoted to the TV, because there's another room for the children or for eating, and houses with "dens", and snugs", and children safely tucked away in a whole complex in the top floor attic perfectly converted, I feel as if i'm looking into another universe, a different dimension. Those people don't live in the same place as me.
Hence why wrongplanet totally feels like my place!!
Don't know why it is. I think i dreamed of having that NT something, ease.
I wanted it so much.
Don't think is just media; i think it's part of my experience of life , as if i am permanently in some fundamental way shut out from "real life".
Have to really insist to myself that this life counts too. But yes, permanent outcast. Maybe why i liked Robin Hood too when child. Merlin and the like. Runaways, wild ones, ...
Think feel as if am finding "my" treasures when i read something wonderful, think something new, find a specially "something" stone etc.
Houses and gardens etc mmmm

Everyone tries to place their lives in a neat little slot...when I am married, when I have a house, when I have the car that I want...then...I'll be happy. Like it's an equation...2+2+2=6, but most of the time it adds up to about 4 if you're lucky...so you waste the time you have waiting for the equation to be complete. How many people I see that work all their lives to achieve the things that they want are either too old to enjoy them or don't have the time to once they've achieved them?

You don't plan happiness, you make it. If a garden will make you happy...make a garden, even if it's the size of a postage stamp. Make the home you have into a place that brings you joy, cultivate friends that you enjoy being around because you want to...not because it's something you're supposed to do in life.

Enjoy the "here" and "now"...not some fairytale that the media has led most of us to believe will make our lives complete. There is no magic formula, no plan, nothing seldom goes according to how it's supposed to. When you get rid of the idea that life is "supposed" to go a certain way and if it doesn't that's "bad"...you'll find you can enjoy it alot more.

here is my key. when i was a kid i had to listen to adults and obey them, now i know that adults always arnt right. (when i was a kid i thought they were right, and i was wrong) when i grew up i knew that they were wrong. and now i am trying to undue the damage

First I felt confused, then cheated, then depressed. Now I'm ambivalent. My expectations of life are so low that something seems wrong if I'm not miserable all the time.

Life is more like a sentence or disease than a fairy tale. We are here to suffer. Asperger's is just our particular form of misery. Maybe we suffer to learn or earn passage to someplace less horrible. I tend to think we just suffer for suffering's sake. It's simply the basis of the human condition.

You've stated things I've felt very well.

I find what makes me happy is quite different from what makes the average person happy. There's this constant message that people who aren't socially and/or financially successful are supposed to be unhappy. That if I don't have the same goals as everyone else I'm not supposed to be happy.

At first it doesn't bother me because those things are not what give me a sense of well being. I get my sense of well being from a first person perspective. I see the world as something exciting, to be experienced and enjoyed. I don’t care to care how other people see me as it will never give me a true lasting sense of well being.

Yet the message is still there, constantly there nagging me. If I see the message enough it starts to affect me and cause me unhappiness. At times I'm not sure if I may be exaggerating this perception because of my own low self esteem. I can try to ignore it, but everyday there are little reminders that I am different from the vast majority of people.

you're a pretty good writer, Sleepless. I enjoyed reading that.

I agree with what you're saying and I think it especially applies to aspies (of course, I'm assuming this because I don't know many aspies), because we're so different and because achieving all the normal things is often so unattainable for us.

You're supposed to have lots of close friends...
... well, I don't have a lot of close friends and I don't really like people that much in general.

You're supposed to have a good job and a lot of money and a lot of nice things...
... well, I'm not a materialist and I would like a good job, but money isn't all that important to me, and things aren't that important to me.

You're supposed to have a big family and house and beautiful wife...
... ain't no effin' way.

I know that I'm an aspie and that the normal things that apply to people need not apply to me. But it's still there, that standard. If I'm not doing these things, what am I supposed to do? I think of it as that condition where the sufferer is incapable of feeling physical pain. He can get banged up, cut and burned, but never feel any pain. As a result, they often don't live to be adults because they don't have that instinct to avoid injury that pain gives us. If I don't do the normal things that normal people do, can't that be a problem? I may be getting inflicted with all kinds of "wounds" and "cuts" and not even know about it and due to social isolation, wither away like a bee who has strayed from the hive.

We don't live normal lives... or if we do, I imagine we're quite unhappy for the most part. It's a good thing to think about, however, and it is something I've been thinking about lately. I've been thinking about what I need and what it takes in order for me to be the happiest I can be... and that means ignoring and forgetting about what other people think and care about... which sounds easy and simple in theory, but can be kind of frightening in actuality. But forgetting standards and forgetting what people think and instead thinking about what you think and need and want is one thing that I know can help me a lot... and help people in general.



Excellent topic, btw.

Sleepless , that was a well written topic starter if I ever saw one .

Here's a key to unhappiness ; desire to be 'normal' and I can safely say that you will be unhappy . Please consider : A man is in a dungeon being tortured for whatever reason . All his life he has desired to die by being tortured to death and his tormentors cannot imagine why he is happy to the very end .

Kurt , your fatalistic view of things is nicely summed up in Bhuddist teachings : life is suffering , suffering is caused by desire . However , its easy enough to turn this on its head (simple logic to the rescue) . Desire to be different . Desire things to be difficult . See these difficulties as opportunities to learn and grow and you will be happier . Life's tough , but remember , we're all in this together .

Who's to say that the couple next door is happy . They have the American dream of new cars , nice home , wonderful (?) children . I suspect they aren't any happier than I am . I suspect this because of the loud arguments , slamming doors , and the shrill screams as the lovely lady chases her son down the block at top speed . So what could be their excuse ? They , like you and I, don't have one . Happiness for them , like us , comes from within and is independent of situations arising in day to day life . Things don't make us happy , we make ourselves happy .

Money cannot buy happiness but it can make unhappiness more bearable .

We all experience these things, regardless of whether or not we are Aspies. It only matters what you get out of the experience--some people learn quickly what their problems are, and strive to fix it. Others know it's a problem, but are willfully ignorant of it. And others know it too, but don't know how to fix it. And some people don't even consider it to be a problem. Life is largely unpredictable, and though I may be able to calculate it in probabilities, probability does not substitute absolute truth, as it is only a prediction, and knowing something will happen or is unevitable does not change the fact that I must do something about it--not to prevent it from happening, but to do whatever I can in that situation. If the situation doesn't get better, then so be it; I did my best and have no regrets. If it does get better, I'll be happy.