Advice to Aspies that doesn't work

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The reason it's so hard to benefit from advice about our AS relationship problems is, I believe, that most advice (written or spoken) is theoretical and in practice it doesn't work. Things like:

"When you notice someone is sullen in your presence, has stopped initiating talk with you, seems hostile, etc. then seek a quiet time where you can ask them what's going on and if you have offended them, and listen carefully to their answers. Engage in honest, open dialogue. It's the best way to solve conflicts".

Now if you will excuse me, that's a load of crap. Because 99% of people abhor honest, open dialogue and will shun you just for engaging in it. Also, if someone's being sullen, hostile, whatever - rather than telling you assertively what's bothering them, it's because either they don't want a resolution of the conflict and prefer to remain hostile/aloof, or they're manipulating you into feeling guilty and coming to them willing to make compromises. Last, most people will take advantage of the fact that you """listen carefully""" to their narration of all your "flaws", and will try to take advantage of your taking so much heed. In the best of cases, they'll think you're very insecure for being so attentive to their enumeration of all that is YOUR FAULT.

Not to mention, try to have an honest, open discussion of your feelings with your boss, and get fired immediately after.

Just my opinion, based on my experience with honest, open dialogue and lots of listening.

Actually, you're right.

Kris

I also agree. Everything you're saying is my experience too.

I'm very relieved to see that others see it so too, because if I say something like this to an NT, they'd be furiously mad and yelling.

Well yes. Most likely right. However, we may not gain any realworld benefit since the theoretical applications don't actually work.

But as aspies, don't we like knowing we are correct and we've figured out the best way to handle it? (Even if it doesn't work) Or is that just me?

"When you notice someone is sullen in your presence, has stopped initiating talk with you, seems hostile, etc. then seek a quiet time where you can ask them what's going on and if you have offended them, and listen carefully to their answers. Engage in honest, open dialogue. It's the best way to solve conflicts".

People are like animals. If a person is acting sullen and seems hostile, they probably are ! Best to just steer clear of them unless you're prepared to fight with them. Treat these people the way you treat a rabid squirrel.

I don't know about this advice anyway -- it's advice given to people who's ultimate goal is to ALWAYS being NICE. Truth is, it's not always in your best interest to be nice. Sometimes, the way to get other people to respond correctly is to do other things, such as pretend you don't care, show uninterest, show power, etc. In this particular instance, I would just avoid this person if they acted sullen while in my presence. I would take their behavior as a sign that our friendship is going no further, and I would think to myself that something must be wrong with THEM, not ME.

Kris

I'd just want to keep out of their way until they looked a bit happier. I'd also be worried if I spoke to them that they would get angry and say something rude.

Perfectly spoken GreenTea.

I agree.

Yes. I haven't forgotten trying to have a conversation with a 'friend' about why she was not speaking to me. She ended up getting all red in the face and calling me a b***h

Sullen/hostile people are best avoided. Everyone is entitled to be pissed off occasionally. When they decide they want to talk or rant about whatever has annoyed them, it's often difficult to get them to shut up.

I agree with these two posters:

Schleppenheimer:

Macallan:


I think people who react in a sullen/hostile way are intentionally reacting in that way because they know it's the best way to hurt you. Passive-aggression is the worst kind of aggression in my opinion - because it's sneaky and vindictive. If I have offended someone, I would prefer that they just come out and tell me so we can clear it up. Passive aggression is intended to induce worry and uncertainty. In the mean time, while you're scrutinizing your behavior and your words, wondering what the hell you've done to make so & so sullen & hostile, they're fueling up for the big explosion to shoot you down when you finally ask them "what have I done?" I much prefer honesty and straight-forward aggression. Sneak attacks come when your guard is down and are the tactics of cowardly people. Yes, by all means, avoid sullen/hostile people if you can. However, if you have to work closely with them, or if you live with them, realize that they are trying to manipulate you. Go about your business as if you are not aware of their sulleness and hostility. That will force them to change their tactics and bring issues out into the open with out you having to grovel and plead for an explanation to their behavior.

A real friend would appreciate your honesty and remember that what you say is your opinion - and not fact. Many people forget this.

Of course, the advice is also only "useful" if you have any idea when someone is being sullen - it usually sails right past me...

relax and im just kidding