Body Dysmorphic Disorder stemming from AS?

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Warning - This is somewhat depressing and definitely ranty

So I hate to admit it. I really, really hate to admit it. But I have an insane amount of baggage that I attribute to my AS symptoms.

Through my younger years, I believed that all I had to do to be "popular" was be thin, pretty, wear the right clothes, etc. It became an obsession in elementary school. I used to dream for hours about being able to afford a better wardrobe. Getting my hair dyed. Losing a few pounds. Anticipating the day my mom would finally let me leave the house with eyeliner on. Well that day came and went with no change in my popularity, but the obsession still stayed long after the desire to be "popular". I've gained enough understanding of myself and the world to know that no amount of beautiful will ever make me appear normal. NT's can sniff us out, and the right clothes won't change that.

Yet, that obsession remains. Why?

I don't understand it. I hate vanity. I don't feel vain. Yet, I do. Only with myself though. I don't find myself judging others' appearances anymore than the next person. Even when it comes to my taste in the opposite sex... I've never been picky. Short, tall, fat, scrawny, big nose, small feet, whatever. Those things don't really phase me on another person. In fact, I even find myself envying women who weigh more than I do. I've seen some big women who carry their weight quite well. The weight looks natural on them, like they're just naturally "big boned" or whatever.

But me? Wow. Where to begin? Oink oink, fatty. You need a nose job, your hair is too fine, your fingernails never grow, your ears stick out, and God could I go on FOREVER. You have no idea. Or maybe you do?

I spend a great deal of time obsessing over my body. I know it decreases the quality of my life to a really big extent. It started with always looking in the mirror. Fixing the hair, wiping the smudged makeup, adjusting the girls. I only wish I could be daring enough to face myself like that again. These days I avoid mirrors like the plague. Anything reflective makes me nauseous. Sometimes I can't even let my fiance close to me because it reminds me of how much of a disappointment I feel physically.

Also wondering... how does one know if their body image is distorted if they are, say, missing a finger or something? Something that is an obvious flaw, but that the person may blow out of proportion? Where is the line drawn? I know I'm chunky. Chunky is my logical mind speaking though. The names I call myself in my head, sometimes even aloud, the emotional torture I inflict upon myself... this can't be right, can it?

So I'm wondering. Who feels they're more self concious of their looks because of their AS? Where is the line between self concious and a serious disorder? Do you know anyone diagnosed with BDD? All replies greatly appreciated, in advance.

i get what u are saying. i have as to and do obsess over my flaws sometimes. and i have a tendancy to be fairer in judgements of others looks then i am of my own. like most are sometimes. low self esteem increases that tendancy.
anyway it is a serious disorder when the obsession effects a lot of your life eg, u spend the whole day obessessing about what to wear the next day. you don't go out because u feel ugly. things like that.

i have seen people with BDD on TV. this one girl went to a hypnotist to help convince her inner self that she was beautiful. (she was) she had the idea put in her head as a child that she was ugly by her father. the sessions helped greatly.

I very recently asked almost this exact same question, Krista, and stopped short of actually naming it as BDD.

In the "Post a picture of yourself" thread in the "Getting to know you" forum, I posted the following:

I dealt with anorexia and bulimia for over a decade, and it ties into the AS. Why? Body language, for lack of a better term. I tried painfully and quite in vain to get people to see me. Words didn't work because my body language said something else, apparently. So I started thinking, around age 8, if they can see on the outside how much I hurt on the inside...if they can see I'm punishing myself enough already...maybe they'll stop treating me like I am some horrible person that I'm not. I guess I always thought in metaphor, and smaller meant more child-like, and more child-like meant less ogre-like. It's incredibly hard to explain. Suffice it to say I just wanted to shrink to insignificant-ness. Don't notice me for anything, don't see my outside, let it be so non-existent that you have to hear my words and understand them...see that what you see...isn't.

And it became a downward spiral. Not terrible in the early years, but the spell between ages 15 and 21 nearly cost me my life. I believed I would never recover, and I almost didn't. At some point though I realized that all I had in this world was myself, and I was the one who needed to hear me and help me. Once that epiphany came, I was okay.

I digress. I do think disorders like this can be a part of AS, yes, absolutely.

When I was 16, I used to believe that if I was muscular, everyone would want to be friends with me, and every girl would want me. Because of AS, weight lifting and fitness was the only sport I was good at. At age 18 I was benchpressing 110 kg (242,5 lbs) and shrugging 150 kg (330,5 lbs). From age 17 to age 18, I increased 40 kg in benchpress, and litterally got stretcmarks on the chest, biceps and upper back because of rapid increase in muscle mass. Allthough this is nothing impressive, it was more than the local jerks who got every girl they wanted were capable of. Unfortunately, it didn't make me more popular. People stopped labeling me as a nerd, though.

From magazines you get the impression that people judge you entirely on your appearance, but in reality they don't. There are a lot of aspies who are normal or even good looking, but still they have big social difficulties. On the other hand there are a lot of unattractive NTs who are popular amoung the opposite sex and who have a lot of friends.

i get this too. it never drove me to anorexia, but it often makes going out of house very hard work.
i experience the "too" syndrome; "my face is too.." " my bum is too.." "my hair is too... " "my nose is too.." " my skin is too.." etc. And to deal with these i have developed very rigid clothing/dressing systems; black , with bit of grey or white, baggy everything, hoods, hats, and scarves; Clothing as utterly neutral and disappearing as possible. In my more alcoholic and dopey and pizza-ish past i have been very colourful, but not for several years now.
Some days if i'm feeling completely unpresentable, IF i HAVE to go out, and can't wear hat ( if its boiling hot ! !) then will go out hair wet and tousled cos better look like wet mess than pure mess!!
Is often an AGONY of "not rightness", as if it's a kind of pefectionist obsessive compulsiveness. And yes it has prevented me going out on occasion.
All of this despite the fact that regularly receive compliments on how i look and what i'm wearing. I "know" that i am "attractive". (Though skin is now showing signs of age!! And my hair is half white now ! ! aargghh!!) But most of the time i FEEL as if i am not fit to be seen.
I don't know what it is about. It's not about being sexy/attractive any more, tho it may have been back in early twenties/university etc time. But i don't remember it being so bad then. It has got worse, i think...? I wondered if it had something to do with unclear edges to self/body, as if don't actually have secure sense of my body; it's always in danger of morphing or something!!
Anyway, is as tough as having to check locked door five times, or as washing hands every time touch anything "public"etc. I "check" my appearance in every reflective surface available. It's as if i really think my appearance may have changed to monstrous in the meantime. As if i will be repulsive if do not control and regulate strictly. As if will horrify.
Which is absurd. Doesn't stop me obsessing tho. And in intelligent woman , who's been through the feminist discovery phase etc it is ludicrous. But ever since teens when "learned" how to " do feminine" by poring minutely over Vogue and similar magazines it's like i am as sensitive to gradations of appearance as someone into train numbers would be if an engine number was wrong.
The really female kind of AS ?! !
Whatever it is it's horrid.

I am very much like this.

It was so bad a couple of years ago that I went into a walk in clinic and asked them to refer me to see a psych. for my distored body imagine issues and irrational actions in response to my thoughts.

I was wearing long clothing in the height of Canadian summer. I refused to engage in any summer activities such as swimming, etc (also affecting my daughter). I couldn't bear to look in a mirror (still can't, most days), but at every opportunity I would check reflective surfaces to make sure I was "tucked in" just right, covered appropriately, etc. I wouldn't let anyone near me, touch me, etc. I was rigidly paranoid about the way I moved my body to the point of strategically planning my movements, careful not to expose the ugly bits!

ALL VERY IRRATIONAL, I KNOW!

Despite any sort of compliment, words of desire or affection, I could not see what they saw.

My mother was/is very disturbed in this way, but differently than you or I. While she was very critical of herself, she ALWAYS had something to say about everyone else. "She is too fat. He is too ugly. Her nose is an odd shape. His nose is too large. That girls clothes are too tight and her boyfriend's head is disproportionate to his body...you get my drift, I am sure.

I lived an absolutely torturous teenage world, filled with my paranoia's of social inadequacies coupled with having to live up to this very distorted expectation my mother set forth for all of mankind. It did not matter what you looked like, you had major flaws. Did not matter how much you weighed, how flawless you truly were, you were a fat, ugly, useless mess.

Oddly enough, I care not what a person looks like. I do not see the flaws like she did, rather, I see the beauty in even the least attractive sort. I have often been asked what I saw in people over the years and even been told that I am out of the others "league". Which never really made very much sense to me. Isn't it what I find attractive in others that is important? And why the hell are looks so important, anyhow? People make me insane!

So, do I feel this way now? Some days. Depends on which angle or light I see myself in, that particular day, I suppose. I am better able to look at my face and really zone in (or OUT) of my body mostly. I felt alot better about it while pregnant the 2nd time around, but then again, I had an excuse for my body changes didn't I?

It is very much like a compulsion, once there, you become stuck in it. It is torturous, some days, but like anyone else struggling with anything that is anxiety driven...it is all VERY irrational.

Sucks, really.

Whaa. Your imagining it :\ Crazy head.

Peer pressure and certain forms of criticism can have bad effects on aspies, makes you feel insecure and everything, until you can take what people say into context, and denounce it as opinion.