A buddy of mine likely has Aspergers

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Hey folks. I have a bit of an interesting (well, maybe not) situation here and after reading through some threads on the forum here, thought some of you could likely provide some useful input.

I've been friends with a guy--we'll call him George--since we were fourteen. We are both twenty now, he will be twenty-one in January. We both came from extremely sheltered backgrounds (homeschooled, little-to-no social contact outside immediate family, etc) and while I fairly quickly realized I was very immature socially, I learned on my own fairly quickly to fit in well with most people. However, he never realized he was a fifteen year old acting like an eight year old most of the time. He just seemed unable to pick up on social cues and was oblivious to his social immaturity (odd, since he did enjoy being around people). When he was fifteen I talked with him about it along with our then youth pastor and George admitted he had no idea and since we tended to do stuff together most often, asked that I point out anything obvious he could work on changing.

Anyways, move forward to current-day. While George has improved significantly socially, he still exhibits many "odd" social traits as he still doesn't seem to pick up on many social cues (tells too many stories in a row which begin to bore many people, can't tell if someone isn't interested in talking with him, etc). A friend of mine hung out with us a few weeks back and afterwards asked me if I was aware George exhibited many social traits that are associated with autism. So... I started doing some reading.

George fits many of the Aperger symptons I've come across in reading: physical clumsiness, difficultly picking up on social cues, tendency to only focus on one thing (but do it extremely well). He took the AQ test and came out well above the threshold for an adult with Asperger's.

As his friend, knowing that he apparently has Asperger's has helped me as I realize he's likely not lazy (he spent the last six months on one task: getting his driver's license and neglected applying for jobs even though he said he intended to and certainly had the time). Likewise, when he becomes a bit stressful in some social situations, I can have more patience realizing that change in that area simply won't occur as quick as would be expected for most folks.


So... today we went out to lunch and talked about this for the first time. He basically said he doesn't believe in "disorders" or any such things and simply considers them all to be made up of mannerisms that people need to change. We will get together later in the week and talk again about it after he's read some material I gave him.

It seems to me that at this point in his life, Asperger's (assuming he has it) hasn't been an impairment of any particular sort as far as he is concerned. Which is fine I think.
My concern is this is a guy who wants to one day marry, is starting his first job on the 17th, wants to have more friends than just me, etc. It's hard to articulate to him that most of the time when he's around people for an extended peroid of time, they all want to tell him to shut up but are nice, polite folks and don't do so.



If anyone has thoughts or whatever on this whole situation, they would be greatly appreciated.

huh?

umm....

*goes in search of the question again*

Why would it be an impairment?

Its a social impairment as far as your concerned because it bothers you.

Exhibiting aspergers traits doesn't prohibit you from marrying.

Your his friend, he can find others.
Edit: I meant if he found you, he can also find others as well...as you...umm...

Why are you trying to change your friend? I mean sure, you want him to have a better and more fullfilling life, but if he's got a great and fullfilled life now, why change it on him?

He's not better or fulfilled in your opinion because other people (like you) don't like the way he acts or whatever. Don't try to fit him into your preconcieved notions of what it SHOULD be like to be happy etc. When he ALREADY IS happy, etc.

He's made it this far in life, a job isn't going to kill him. Losing a job won't kill you. Unless you have friends that make you feel extremely stupid and whatnot because you lost it.

No offense, really. Just sayn...

And if you want him to shut up just distract him with something shiny or something.

Well...something shiny would work with me.... you get what I'm saying.

Now, its good that you'v pointed out to him that he's different. Its kinda hard to notice that your not NT (neurotypical).
Its not as hard as some people might think to not care if your different.

Hello KJ,

I am married to an Aspie and have 3 sons - 3 have Asperger's.

The best advice I can give you is to be there for your friend and support him.

He doesn't seem interested in pursuing Asperger's - so don't push it.

Many Aspies are married and have successful careers.

I work with 2 Doctor's (1 is a surgeon, the other an intern) who have Asperger's. They both have their quirks and aren't great socially, but they are both fantastic at their job, their patients love them, and they are married with children.

Regards
Helen

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Last edited by JWRed on 09 Dec 2007, 3:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

KJ. I sent you a private message.

There wasn't one really.



He's got a great and fulfilled life now. I'm happy for him.

My concern is not now, my concern is the future. He's never dated, never had a job. I'm certain he is capable of such things and I'm certain he's capable of having a successful career and great marriage. I'm just asking (as I haven't found much info on adults who have Asperger's, most seems to be focused on children): is there anything to look out for in particular here that may help him as he transitions to what is more or less a new stage of his life. (Hey, I guess I did actually have a question...)



Thanks Helen. Wasn't sure whether or not to push the issue with him or not.

Why is it important for him to know about what he has?


Maybe he is happy with who he is and he doesn't want to think there is something wrong with him and feel he has to fix himself to get over it.

If he has been diagnosed with other problems like depression, anxiety, ADHD, maybe he doesn't want another label because it's the last thing he needs.

I used to get upset every time I found out I had something else wrong with me too because I felt I had lot of problems and I wasn't normal. Aspergers was bad enough for me and then I hear OCD, and then anxiety and then ADD.

KJ: You are a great friend! I'm sure most aspies wish they had someone that cared that much. I think what you are doing (e.g. slowly introducing concepts and perhaps getting him interested in the topic of Asperger's) is perfect. The biggest gift you can ever give him is what you're already doing, and that is being a friend and pointing stuff out to him that he just doesn't spot naturally.

KJ - LadyMahler 'copied' what I was going to say: You are a great friend. Let us assume, for argument, your friend does has Asperger's Syndrome, which certainly seems plausable given what you've related. Your insighs are 'right on;' spoken objectively and as his friend.

I read post and after recurring post from others here (paraphrase), "If only I had KNOWN earlier, my life could have been so much easier/better!" NOT knowing solves nothing - just subverts the problem. Yes, there are great advantages and gifts associated with being an Aspie, as KF emphasized about his friend, but the reality is AS is tough! KJ wants to help his friend, by averting some potential problems (and there are potential problems here, certainly), so let's not pretend this will just magically go away. KJ's friend is young and has a promising future - his AS should not be an obstacle, ideally. If he knew, then he could proactively adapt, find new strategies, learn his strengths, etc. Yes, he might be happy now (is he? this is unknown) but AS untreated, especially in a young adult about to venture into the 'real world' (you mentioned he's been quite sheltered) can be HARSH at least. This is why KJ is a good friend - he has justifiably real reasons to be concerned.

That being said, maybe you could give your friend access to material (ie: science journals, books, links, even WrongPlanet)! Then, he can choose, if he wants to, or at least consider, his uniqueness! KJ, maybe you could buy him the book, Look Me in the Eye, by John Elder Robison. Whilst this book is 'fun' it's also poignant and I suspect your friend could relate since Robison writes about his life as a young man and his difficulities associated with AS which he was unaware of at the time. Not knowing, and/or not being treated, is disadvantageous - no different than a physical problem. By analogy, like a physical problem, if left unchecked, it can likely get worse or the person afflicted can suffer needlessly when there's some real doable advice for them. Knowing can help - maybe even change, or save, KJ's friend's life. No one can predict the future but Aspies have it hard in certain respects. No one on this forum can deny this reality.

Good luck, KJ. You are a good friend. I know you can make a difference. Oh, sometimes Aspies need a direct approach. This might mean, leave the book on his coffee table with a note that says, "READ THIS!" Then give him the link to WrongPlanet.


BTW, just by analogy, a neuro/psych disorder, such as AS (or HFA), etc should be no different than a physical disorder. For example, let's imagine a young person, just starting their life, who is showing real signs and symptoms of, say, Type II diabetes (I just picked a random ex). Okay. No one wants to hear, "You might have a real problem emerging; you're showing REAL symptoms of Type II diabetes - let's get you assesseed/treated, just as a preventative measure. I'll help you - I'm you're friend." Then, after the initial shock, this person does go to the doctor, is Dxed, etc. He learns about Type II diabetes, like how to control dietary factors, exercise, watching their weight, potential problems to look for, etc. This person can lead a full, productive, healthy life, which some modifications. Okay, now suppose he 'ignores' the problem, hoping it will just magically disappear. What can happen? The condition will likely progress since it's neglected (yes, easier that way....initially). This person then starts to feel the effects but does not know what to do! Ultimately, for Type II diabetes (our example), he could likely end up, later, with serious irreverisble life-threatening complications: Kidney failure, amputation, blindness, death.......why? These horrors could likely have been averted with proper treatment or at least awareness!! !!

Please don't just 'pretend it will go away!" For those who posted here: I know you want to not interfere in another's life - I understand privacy and not being intrusive, but would you let your friend get hit my train if you saw it coming and he couldn't? I'll remind you some with AS later can kill themselves without proper treatment or management. This is especially tragic since it's avoidable. KJ's friend has potential - a lot! KJ just doesn't want him to throw this away.

Sorry...I'm done with my rampage now. Good luck, KJ. To your friend too - he'll be okay, with knowing.

KJ, George is lucky to have you as a friend. Right now he may be all, "I ain't broke and I don't need fixing." But there may come a time when he's enduring one disappointment after another, and asking himself why. And that's when you can say to him, "Okay, have you ever thought about this possibility?"

Until he's ready to hear the news, he's not going to be able to hear it.

Welcome here; I'm glad there are people like you in the world!

I agree with others here that George is very fortunate to have you for a friend. It likely won't be easy for George in the coming years but a lot of us make it through OK on our own timeline and in our own ways. Depression is not uncommon either as I know from experience. Just be there for him. Understand that he isn't faking it. Ordinary day to day living can be difficult for us and we get stressed out over what is no big deal for neurotypicals. We have our pluses too of course. Take care.

Given his upbringing, I wonder if your friend truly has Asperger's. Perhaps he is just having a harder time catching up socially than you did. I'm not saying he doesn't have AS, just that in his case it might be more difficult to know.
In any case, people with AS can still get married and have successful careers, though I wouldn't suggest he try to work in public relations
Also, have you considered that you and he may not fit into the same social circles? Your friends may think he's boring, but perhaps a different set of people would find him fun and fascinating. Maybe part of the problem is that he keeps tagging along with your "crowd" when he ought to look for his own. Joining a church or a club (especially one relating to a hobby he has) could be helpful.
When you spend time with him, perhaps you could make it just the two of you, since he is likely aware on some level that your other friends don't enjoy his presence. Tell him you think he's a great guy, too....it's hard to have AS.