Still unable to accept myself as good...

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All right, I've got something meaningful to talk about...I hope that I can get some good, supportive answers...

As I've stated before, I'm 35 years old...but I still haven't learned to love myself as a human being. More specifically, I have VERY low self-esteem, even less self-respect, and absolutely NO self-love. Those aspects pretty much died 10 years ago, when I became a porker. I mean, I'm not obese by any means, but I'm thick chested with quite a bit of a potbelly. Because of this, I feel that only adds more negativity to my Asperger's diagnosis; as though it makes people think that all high functioning Aspie's don't care about their appearances, are lazy and slobby.

*sighs* I have a right to be defeatist...do you know what torture it is to be THINKING...ALL THE TIME??! !

errr....okay, I guess maybe you guys do. But what I mean by thinking, is thinking about all the things in your life that brought you pain and misery; i.e. being picked on as a child just for the 'crime' of being different. Sometimes, those taunting voices echo back to me while I'm laying awake in bed, trying to sleep, to the point that I make myself physically sick to my stomach!

I mean, I do have my happy moments, but they only exist to temporarily dull the pain of all the bad things...at least for a little while.

Often times, I think of painting the walls next to me with a new shade of colour called "Hint of Brain", thinking that would make my family happy. But then I decide not to...because why should I make them happy?

...Sorry for all the emoistic, 'poor me' talk, but that just had to be vented out *sniff* If I make it through tonight, I'll write some more here.

Thank you for your tolerance,

Usagi1992

Sounds like your too focus on weakness & past, does not matter how much weight a person loses when you have low self-esteem, no matter how much you lose you will still think your overweight. Normally people voice what they fear..

thinking that would make my family happy?

You know the greatest mistake a person can make is try & think what a person will make them happy, normally you get it wrong, sometime's right, or your family could be one of them think they doing the best for you, when they off the lines...

Maybe you need to talk about it rather than think... voice any problem's... any negative reinforcements your family might be doing by mistake
...

The people around us, I suspect, have zero idea how much work it is to keep up the everyday facade. Throw depression into the mix, and that's a seriously bad combination.

Perhaps a chat with your doctor? (Or write him/her a letter if you don't like face-to-face.) Prescription antidepressants? They aren't a perfect solution, but they might help you through the worst of it. Lifestyle suggestions? Talk therapy? Your physician is in the best position to advise you.

What makes you happy? Can you organise your day to include at least one thing that you look forward to?

Wishing you well, Usagi1992.

Something I tell my son...'you're loved for being you, and that's good enough.'
You don't have to be thin/fit/rich/successful/whatever weird categories "society" think are "ok".
More to the point, I've hardly ever met a really happy naturally thin person. No, really, I haven't. They nearly all seem very miserable, which is odd.
You being 'you' is good enough. Stay away from anyone who tells you otherwise, if you can?

Brother, I feel your pain. I very rarely walk by a mirror without flipping myself off.

Usagi1992,

It sounds as if your weight issues aren't life threatening so you shouldn't be letting them harm your quality of life.

You probably need to spend a little while trying to find things to like about yourself - note: Not things your family likes but things YOU like. These things don't need to be physical characteristics.

Ten years ago I could have easily identified with you. I hated myself, my body, etc. and I was a severely emaciated anorexic. I nearly killed myself with the eating disorders, vomiting five or more times a day and taking a bottle of laxatives on top of that. It's amazing the toxic effect that feeling this way can have on you.

Now, nothing has changed except me. The memories are all still there, and new painful ones have been added to the heap. Since that time, I've learned the pain of losing a baby, been through the failure of a six-year relationship and so on. The difference is that somewhere along the way I learned that I have to love me. I have to care about me. I have to take care OF me. No one was going to fix the anorexia. No one was going to come and apologize for all the past wrongs. But there was one person who could save me, one person who could love me unconditionally, and one person who could surround me with people who did care instead of people who just made me feel worse. That person was me. I had to make some changes, and I did.

What you need to realize is that you are the one behind the wheel, you're the one in control. The others? Don't give them the wheel.

And don't hate your body, it's the only one you've got. So it's not perfect. Mine isn't either, no one's is. If you want to lose weight, commit to eating healthier and exercising more - but do it for YOU. You can't set goals for the sake of others; accomplishing them means little and failing them makes you feel like crap.

Pick your head up, and start living for you instead of trying to please others. You'll find that happiness is much more easily attained that way.

*hugs siuan* Oh you poor girl! I had no idea that you've suffered so much...now I feel like a jerk for complaining about something so trivial.

But you are right...my body is the only one I have, even if it is grotesque.

But think about it: you know what the chances are of finding a non-Aspie/Autistic lady who will accept me as beautiful looking? The same as me being appointed Pope; and considering I'm not Catholic, that kinda seals the deal

And gbollard, you are right...my body's condition isn't life-threatening, but it's just all that pounding by the media about what's acceptable as sexy or not, ya know?

Believe it or not, but there are some people out there who don't completely judge you by appearances. You may never love yourself (heaven knows I don't love myself), but you can 'forgive' yourself.

It's going to take time to come to grips with the situation. I know it is for me. Hang in there, and stop by and talk. We're always open.

I think we all go through that kind of thing. My life is pretty good all around, yet when I stepped on the scale this morning, I discovered I was the biggest I have ever been in my life. Although I am not obese, I could stand to lose at least ten pounds. I believe 15 or 20 pounds would be even better. However, at 43 years of age, I can't lose weight as easily as I could several years ago.

Well, to be honest, gbollard {or can I call you Gavin?}...

There was only ONE instance in my life when I did accept that I wasn't horrific looking, and this happened AFTER my failure at WW.

It was because of my Aspie ex-girlfriend...she's even bigger then me, but I loved that because she was so cuddly. But anyways, when she got to see me totally unclothed and I asked her "Well, this is me...what do you think?"...she said..."I think you're beautiful."

And you know what?.............I believed her. For the first time in my life, SOMEONE outside my family had accepted me for being the non-perfect, but lovely on the inside, person that I am. Being with her was a HUGE confidence booster. Either that, or I didn't feel so fat in the presence of someone bigger then me

But sadly, the relationship ended, and I fear now that I'll never know that kind of love again. And Gavin, when you say a lot of people love bigger people, the first thing that crossed my mind was "Yeah...sickies!", but I thought hard about it, and you're right. A bigger body is more fun to snuggle up to.

Well, g'night all...I gotta turn in...

Usagi1992,

You can call me Gavin... that's my name anyway.

I can see how having a cuddly girlfriend would make you feel better about yourself - hopefully not at her expense.

I personally think that bigger ladies look much nice than than hungry ones. Their skin is usually smoother and their faces are more pleasant to look at.

<warning: huge unfair generalization ahead : There is also the theory that girls who don't grow up looking like supermodels can't rely on their natural attraction and actually have to develop nice personalities to compensate>.

- sorry if I offended anyone with that comment - it's not strictly true - I know a lot of people including several on these forums who are slim and have wonderful personalities -

So... I guess that if I feel that way about ladies, there must be ladies who think that way about men. You just have to find the right one.

Oh and while I'm a bit chubby now after 10 years of marriage, I was a stick before I got married, so it's not just "bigger people" who like bigger people.

Cheer up - you need to celebrate your strengths.